SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, I'm new here. I'm sorry everyone here is suffering through the pain of a partner's infidelity.

I recently found out my WH of 26 years is addicted to porn and has solicited sex multiple times during our marriage. He came clean after he was arrested for soliciting sex. I told him to move out and give me space, which he did.

I'm really confused and disoriented. It's like I didn't even know who I was married to the whole time. What I thought was real wasn't. I'm finding great solace in a published document by Dr. Omar Minwalla, called The Secret Sexual Basement. If you look it up online, it's a 33-page clinical PDF and not the easiest read, but I've gone over it several times now and each iteration helps me more.

I relate to what the article says about Integrity Abuse, and I feel in general resistant to trying to continue my marriage with H. There are success stories, but I don't know if I'm up for that level of re-investment. I know it's too early to decide, and I'm trying to let go of the anxiousness surrounding the decision. It's very difficult. There were times I wondered if it was worth it before all this came down the crap conveyor. He blamed me for our problems, gaslighted me, and manipulated things so he was the victim when we argued. At times his temper ruled the house, and he demanded our attention frequently.

Yes, he seems like he's really trying to change, and I want him to succeed in his healing, but I'm really not sure if I want to give this any kind of go again. This is a difficult addiction to overcome, relapses are common (even after a year or more) and I don't know if he has the strength to stick to it, though I hope he does. I keep wondering if staying is the right thing, seeing if we can make a fresh start and find something deeper with this secret no longer between us. But he is who he is. The traits will still be there whether he acts out or not. And I would not have chosen a relationship where I have to police my partner's movements to keep him from cheating.

I feel so stupid for not knowing something this big was going on.

Is there a moment when you just "know" what the right thing to do is? Or even if it's a quiet knowledge that comes slowly, that's fine too, I just need some hope that I will eventually have a reliable instinct on what the correct action is. H's years of lying have eroded my ability to trust my own judgement. I wonder if I'm permanently damaged.

Any words of wisdom welcome. I thank you for reading.

[This message edited by gray54 at 4:47 PM, Friday, September 27th]

Don’t have much wisdom to share but just want to say I’m so sorry your are here

My ws also saw escorts and it’s was devastating. A year after DDay and we are doing well. His was a recent development so I can’t speak to years of this. I’ll just say I would seek IC and figure out what YOU want - it’s hard to even know

You will find support here. ❤️in the meantime take good care of yourself. Lots of water walking healthy food - it helps

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're here. There's a lot of great resources here. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. Also, there are posts with bull's eye icons that are great resources. The Healing Library has a lot of great information and includes the list of acronyms we use. In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there's a thread of spouses/partners of sex addicts.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. Bonus if they work with infidelity, too.

You have been emotionally abused, and it sounds like your WH (wayward husband) is really good at DARVO - another term to research. The emotional abuse and lying have kept you emotionally off-kilter and it can really mess with you.

Take this time and really think about what you want. Do you want to live the way you have for the past 5-10 years? That was kind of what helped me with my decision. My XWH has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and he treated me so badly and I didn't want to have to walk on eggshells any more or be ignored any longer. It took me 18 months after dday 1 to get there.

Keep posting and asking questions.