I am still sucked in
Processing a month now, realize now this assimilation will be v slow. Uncomfortably slow.
Separated SAWH has admitted to his problem, and is owning it, to the exclusion of all else perhaps. Maybe good? I want him to think of other things he's got goin on, but I'm glad he sees this is big....
He's remorseful, working his steps and therapy, trying to find healing (early days yet). Of course, no surprise he's got the same low self-worth and anger issues, but he's saying all the right things to me so far.
I still care about him and feel drawn in but wonder if I'm healthy feeling that way. I was honestly looking for an out before all this, and one was given (be careful what you wish for) but now it has presented, I'm reluctant to assimilate it.
I could never have imagined this level of required reassessment. Yet I'm still sucked into his need and struggles.
I'm blaming him for this massive betrayal, fearful to accept R as a possibility; he's sometimes hopeful but picking up my defeatist vibe.
I feel like I've been invested in his low self esteem a long time. I can't make him better, and I feel like I'm entitled to point out his gaslighting and manipulation and emotional distance all those years w/o him giving up on it all now. I know it's gotta suck to hear but he knows hiw hurt I am or he says so anyway. I still want to reassure him he's not evil and I love him and I hate that I want to do that. I think right now I'd rather hurt him back.
4 comments posted: Wednesday, October 2nd, 2024
Spouse of sex/porn addict
Hi, I'm new here. I'm sorry everyone here is suffering through the pain of a partner's infidelity.
I recently found out my WH of 26 years is addicted to porn and has solicited sex multiple times during our marriage. He came clean after he was arrested for soliciting sex. I told him to move out and give me space, which he did.
I'm really confused and disoriented. It's like I didn't even know who I was married to the whole time. What I thought was real wasn't. I'm finding great solace in a published document by Dr. Omar Minwalla, called The Secret Sexual Basement. If you look it up online, it's a 33-page clinical PDF and not the easiest read, but I've gone over it several times now and each iteration helps me more.
I relate to what the article says about Integrity Abuse, and I feel in general resistant to trying to continue my marriage with H. There are success stories, but I don't know if I'm up for that level of re-investment. I know it's too early to decide, and I'm trying to let go of the anxiousness surrounding the decision. It's very difficult. There were times I wondered if it was worth it before all this came down the crap conveyor. He blamed me for our problems, gaslighted me, and manipulated things so he was the victim when we argued. At times his temper ruled the house, and he demanded our attention frequently.
Yes, he seems like he's really trying to change, and I want him to succeed in his healing, but I'm really not sure if I want to give this any kind of go again. This is a difficult addiction to overcome, relapses are common (even after a year or more) and I don't know if he has the strength to stick to it, though I hope he does. I keep wondering if staying is the right thing, seeing if we can make a fresh start and find something deeper with this secret no longer between us. But he is who he is. The traits will still be there whether he acts out or not. And I would not have chosen a relationship where I have to police my partner's movements to keep him from cheating.
I feel so stupid for not knowing something this big was going on.
Is there a moment when you just "know" what the right thing to do is? Or even if it's a quiet knowledge that comes slowly, that's fine too, I just need some hope that I will eventually have a reliable instinct on what the correct action is. H's years of lying have eroded my ability to trust my own judgement. I wonder if I'm permanently damaged.
Any words of wisdom welcome. I thank you for reading.
2 comments posted: Thursday, September 26th, 2024
