SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

an opportunity to find my bitch boots and put myself first, eventually.

I particularly liked that part! Whatever the male equivalent is, that's what I need.

You seem to be where I'd like to be, though it's been fourteen years in my case, and I'm really only starting the process now.

I've had a further read of your original post and one or two replies.

I've just referred myself to Relate (UK). I don't know if their l this is the right place, but it's a start. I bitterly regret not doing this at the time of the exceptionally unpleasant revelations, but I was a complete novice at being a BS! I was thinking earlier today that it was like putting an intern in charge of a major negotiation.

Waiting so long, I've made things more difficult, but we are where we are. Although I'm certain my wife doesn't understand the damage done by her affair(s), I'm also certain that she loves me deeply. Haven't got time to go into how I know that.

Anyway, thanks for your thread.

"But then there was the part where I couldn’t fully reach him emotionally, I used to joke that we cannot argue as he was refusing to engage in any argument."

I experienced precisely this in our marriage. I used to sometimes tell him that it felt that I loved him far more then he loved me. I told him I felt there was this barrier between us, that there wasn't the emotional connection between us that there should be. He used to just tell me that I was being daft, list the "ways" he shows he clearly does love me. He couldn't quite grasp the idea that just because he (same as your husband) spent all of his time with us and wasn't having lads nights out like other people he knew, that it could possibly be true. He thought because we both enjoyed the same stuff, shared the same humour and were always very affectionate, that this IS an emotional connection. He would then become very stone-wally. And I would start to doubt myself and believed my expectations were too high - until the same knawing doubts came back.

We didn't really used to argue either. He was far too horizontal for that. I never really saw him angry. Even when his ex alienated him from his older children, I wondered where the fire was in his belly. He used to be so passive. We used to joke that he was dead inside 😪

I think the worst thing for me, was that I never really felt like he had my back. I used to worry, what if I get cancer, or even just break a leg. How will *I* get the kids to school. How will *I* support the kids. How will *I* cope. I felt that should the sh!t hit the fan, I'll be on my own. I didn't feel like I had a team mate, not really. But he never saw it, because you know, he did his fair share around the house and was a great hands on dad that never missed a sports day.

Unfortunately sh!t did hit the fan on a few occasions pre-dday. Sadly he proved my fears correct. I was a one man band, with him more concerned that I wasn't giving him or the kids enough attention.

However, moving forward - do I think he would be there for me in time of crisis? A very reserved yes. Do I feel like there is an emotional connection? Yes, but its clouded with doubt that what I'm seeing is temporary.

I totally understand what you are saying, when you say that going through tough experiences together post dday, can rebuild the marriage.

And like I say, I admire you so much for your strength in rebuilding your marriage and finding happiness together again. And Oldwounds, the fact that you can offer so much grace to your wife...you are both truly amazing people.

So WHY is it that the idea of me doing the exact same thing, and extending any grace, leaves me wallowing in my pit of shame? Why am I living by one rule for me, another for everyone else???

Great post Luna.

I want to elaborate a bit on this sage piece of advice:

- Forget reconciliation or divorce for a bit, put yourself first, invest in yourself (financially, emotionally, physically) and the rest will come.

I totally agree... but... right after d-day and the following weeks/months you also need to be realistic about the dangers your relationship is facing. It makes sense – as part of the "put yourself first" stage – to take the precautions of getting a realistic picture of your options and to realize that a very likely outcome from what you are dealing with is the termination of your marriage.
This doesn’t equate to deciding there and then to divorce or reconcile, but more that you have a reasonably realistic picture of what might be required for either options.

So WHY is it that the idea of me doing the exact same thing, and extending any grace, leaves me wallowing in my pit of shame? Why am I living by one rule for me, another for everyone else???

It could be much more about your brain working to protect you than anything else.

Or it could simply be, no matter how many hundreds of calculations you make, you don’t see a path to a relationship you want and deserve.

And Oldwounds, the fact that you can offer so much grace to your wife...you are both truly amazing people.

Kind of you to say, but I don’t see myself with any extra level of amazing than any of us recovering from the horror show of infidelity.

I didn’t even know R was a thing.

Someone cheats, the other moves on, end of story, end of M. That’s how I always saw it. If my high school class had a category for it, I would have been voted "least likely to R" by anyone who knew me.

The change for me, once I let go of the outcome, and once I understood none of my wife’s bad choices defined me — suddenly I became curious about what I would want from ANY relationship going forward.

As for shame, all I ever did was love my family and there is no shame in that. So I let that go, and then told my wife what I wanted from life and from any M. She wanted the same thing, and then we started to frame the foundation and rebuild from there. Two flawed people who stopped hedging and holding back and working very hard to get here.

The deal is broken and I think you are still assessing risk WhiskeyBlues — which is extremely normal. Be kind to you, give yourself more time and more room to decide — there will be a moment when you’ll know, be it R or moving on solo, what you want.