DDay was in January and June 2010 and since then we've buried it. I'm here because it won't stay buried.

The paradox of reconciliation

The essential paradox of reconciliation is that the person with whom you need to work to obtain healing, is the person who hurt you.

I have a fantasy of leaving my current relationship, and starting a new romantic and sexual relationship from scratch. We wouldn't be two perfect people, but the hurts we'd suffered, and the hurts we may have inflicted on others, would not involve each other.

Trying to heal a relationship from within is the very archetype of pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps.

3 comments posted: Friday, October 4th, 2024

The aftermath of an affair: long-term.

This is the very short version: I'll update with more details later.

My wife started an affair with a colleague in October 2009. On New Year's Eve, the OM's wife knocked on our door and accused my wife of the affair. As she brought no evidence, I told her to go away, but I then found some texts and my wife admitted the affair and ended it.

Except she didn't, because the following June I received, in the post at work, an envelope containing printouts of messages between my wife and the OM - some of them highly sexual in content - proving the affair had continued until at least May.

Fourteen years later, I've been carrying this weight around. I have maybe three or four episodes of bleak depression a year, and am just coming out of one now.

We're still married. We never addressed the affair, and that's why I'm here now.

41 comments posted: Thursday, March 7th, 2024