SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am back to this forum to write an update, wanting to give some hope to those still hurting at the beginning of their journey.

Tomorrow it’s 7 years since dday, 7 years since my world turned upside down. We (as a couple) don’t actually acknowledge the date anymore, mostly because it’s all behind us, as much as such a traumatic event can be. The only reason I still remember it is because I consider this date to be the beginning of getting my power back, the beginning of realising what I’m made of, the beginning of a healing journey beyond my husband’s infidelity.

Last night I went for a walk on my own and listened to my playlist from that period. I used to listen to this playlist on and on and on, it was like self torture at the time. I don’t know at which point I’ve abandoned it, but I do know I haven’t listened to it for a good 4 years at least.

As I walked listening to music, the songs brought back the memory of it all, the pain, the desire to go to sleep and never wake up, the constant fight or flight (I was in constant flight mode, I wanted to run away but I could never identify where I would go), the loss of weight, the crying, the shaking uncontrollably, the panic and anxiety attacks…

So here we are 7 years later. For me, post dday has been an opportunity to find my bitch boots and put myself first, eventually.

I found a fire within me that I didn’t know it existed. I’ve grown my career considerably therefore I am now financially secure. I’m constantly told by my work peers that the reason I land these relatively high profile jobs is because I have hard to find soft skills (besides technical skills in my industry), combined with a desire to constantly challenge myself and learn more. I think this sums up my post dday attitude to life: constantly setting myself new goals (work, exercise, hobbies) and go in chase of them.

I am now in a good place and I am happy. I know I would have been happy if I would have taken the divorce path too. We reconciled and I have no regrets although I have made a lot of mistakes at the time, until I’ve woken up from the belief that the man standing in front of me was the same man I thought I married.

These days I trust him as much as I believe trust post infidelity can be: I mainly trust myself and I believe I’d be ok either way alone or married. He knows my trust is limited and still sticks to commitments made back then, although I never ask for it and I don’t need those things to happen anymore.

For example he went out with work colleagues a couple of evenings ago and he still sent me pictures of him with the team (something I needed early on and something he said at the time that he is committed to do forever). We both know why he does it but we don’t really talk about it anymore. We still have our location sharing live but I rarely check it.

I go on nights out with friends or away abroad on my own and I don’t feel the need to check his location when we are apart. At this point I trust myself to be ok if he does it again. I feel so confident about who I am and my value as an individual that my husband is a nice addition to my life, however my life does not depend on his existence, the desire to "prevent" another affair by constantly monitoring his whereabouts has disappeared. (Not that you can truly prevent your spouse from cheating).

He continues to express gratitude for still being married to me and still tells me from time to time he is forever in my debt for giving him the chance to show me he can change. I do believe he had a wake up call (eventually) and that coincided with me realising I need to focus on myself rather than focusing on saving our marriage single-handedly.

Next year both our kids will be adults (currently 17 and 23) and we have plans to scale down a bit and start spending more time on designing a life away from the corporate world the following year. A lot has happened in the last 7 years (including losing my brother, his brother surviving a heart attack and a couple of cancer scares for me) to make us realise life is short and needs to be fully lived. I hope we get there. We are best friends and have a lot of fun together, we are very honest with each other. We communicated well before this, or so I thought at the time, but these days it is saying it as it is. If there’s something I don’t like I tell him and I expect the same from him.

I know I’m rambling but if there is some learning to share from my journey it is this:

- Forget reconciliation or divorce for a bit, put yourself first, invest in yourself (financially, emotionally, physically) and the rest will come. If your spouse is worth the effort of reconciling they’ll move mountains to prove it to you. (I wish I knew this from day 1)

- "You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink it". Don’t coach your WS through reconciliation. Chances are you don’t know what’s needed anyway as you begin your journey. Hold them accountable, by all means don’t rug sweep, tell them how you feel, but don’t do it for them. If you need to constantly remind them to make that IC appointment or to read that book, to tell you where they are, to check in with you, to ask how you feel, then chances are their heart is not really in it and they are waiting for you to "get over it". In reality authentic reconciliation only happens if the WS wants to understand why they did what they did, truly accepts accountability and truly wishes to change and live a different life for themselves. Not for you, not for the marriage. For themselves.

- Find your anger but don’t let this trauma turn you bitter for the rest of your life. I’ve made a lot of mistakes initially post dday. One of them was not finding my anger soon enough. I don’t mean becoming violent, that’s abuse. I mean being angry for how I was treated, allowing my anger to turn this trauma into a healing path with a purpose. When I think of it, the best way to describe my attitude when I finally found my anger was " fuck it! How dare you think I was disposable and worth losing? How dare you making me feel worthless? We’ll see about that". That means (see first point): invest in yourself. IC for emotional healing. Exercise for physical health. Invest in courses to improve your earning potential or just because you always wanted to learn something new. Personally I’ve attended IC for 3 years post dday. I’ve started exercising (setting myself goals) and still do, I think my physical health is key to aging well. I’ve done all those things I wanted to do before dday but I didn’t want to "spend money" (ie. I didn’t consider I was worth it), such as removing some moles that aesthetically bothered me, straightening my teeth, getting spa days, going away alone or just with my daughter, investing in my friendships. The more I’ve achieved on a personal level, the more my self esteem grew and it made me realise my value. Don’t let a man dictate your self worth.

These would be key learnings I’ve taken from all this but it is hard to describe a healing process over 7 years in a few paragraphs, happy to answer any questions that you may have.

A last thought: don’t expect your friends and family to understand what you’re going through. Find someone who’s been through the same situation if you want someone who can relate. I found a real friend through SI, we still meet from time to time in real life and have a chat, these days not infidelity related. (Think more retirement plans related chats 😂).

My best friend at the time, whilst fully supportive, didn’t understand why I still wanted to talk about it 6 months post dday. My brother told me I should stop talking about it with my WH as keeping it alive was shaming him 🤦‍♀️. So don’t expect people to be supportive without experiencing infidelity themselves.

I’ll stop here but I hope everyone finds their peace and happiness through their healing journey.

[This message edited by Luna10 at 12:37 PM, Thursday, September 26th]

Beautiful post. Wishing you much peace and continued happiness!

Luna, when I discovered SI (almost 2 years ago) , as you may also have experienced, I used to binge read in order to relate, and to find comfort and some peace of mind that my feelings are not the feelings of a deranged person... that my feelings are "normal"...
I found your posts early on, and boy did I relate with your story. It is almost identical. I don't know where my road in reconciliation will lead ( things look good but I don't get attached to silly certainties like I used to ) but I am happy that You are ok, because I Salut people who come on top of this shitty situation in any way they choose. It is hard. It is unfair and we are all indeed survivors.

WONDERFUL post...thank so much for sharing it !!!

Awesome update Luna10!

Knowing our value, for me, was the key to healing.

I had almost forgotten how to put myself first (between the M and parenting).

Good stuff, so glad you are doing well!

Thanks Luna10, a beautiful summation, I am genuinely happy for you.

I'm 2 years out now and we are on a solid path in R. Your words chimed as I take care not to let her rug sweep, having just passed the 2nd anniversary of her infidelity, I've reminded her of what she did and it does not sit easy with her, the shame still gnaws at her morals and inner core.

I've learned to put me first too. Learning to live in the moment is defo key for me as I never did, I was always de-risking, trying to keep everyone safe and growing, kids especially and not taking time for friends and hobbies.

As other have said, we read avidly on here in the early days, searching for answers, ideas, sense in an often turbulent world. Here people are kind, and I found your posts and enjoyed the wisdom you spoke.

I hope you have a happy life and are blessed in whatever comes next for you.

Namaste
Salty

I'm very happy for you and your H, Luna. Thanks for the update.

This post deserves to be stickied. Every BS should read it and really think. Especially the last couple paragraphs regarding a WS’s efforts to R.

Excellent update Luna. Very happy for you. I remember your journey. Your advice is gold and spot on.

What a wonderful update. Thanks for sharing.

So happy to read this, Luna. I wish you continued happiness and strength!

Luna.

We have very similar Reconciliation stories.

I think your point about not coaching the cheater through R is spot on. I refused to lift a finger to help my H. I did not know about this forum but I can tell you our thoughts are very much in sync.

Glad to read your positive and happy outcome. All the best to you.

Every word! Every.Word!

Congratulations!

[This message edited by HardKnocks at 6:00 PM, Sunday, September 29th]

I’m so glad to see that my learnings through this journey are reinforcing your own perspective.

Those lessons have been learned the hard way, as most valuable lessons are, through making all mistakes possible: I was set on reconciling within two hours of finding out about the A, I was telling my WH what to do to reconcile and support my healing from that moment on in a very prescriptive way making MC appointments, buying books for him and so on, I was desperately trying to find empathy for WH and his own situation, I was trying to control the situation, that was the only way to feel like I had any power in this scary, traumatic situation.

A second dday 4 months later woke me up and reminded me of the biggest truth in life: you can only control yourself in life and only you can design of the life you want to live. That’s the moment when I started learning those hard lessons. That’s the moment when I understood what SI BSs meant when saying "you have to be willing to lose a marriage in order to save it".

Be gentle with yourself if you’re reading this and think you’ve messed up or that it doesn’t apply to your situation because your WS is different. We’ve all been there. We all read stories on SI and thought "yeah but you don’t know my spouse, he’s not like that".

Sadly, without having a printed version, the cheater’s book is real and most of them do follow a script. Not because of some unknown conspiracy where all cheaters meet to exchange notes, but because most affairs are based on certain characteristics and lead to the same result: WS self destruction. It is the WS’s decision if they wish to change at their core and become a worthy human being or not. You definitely deserve a good human being to spend your life with so don’t settle for a cheater who can’t work on being a good person.

Good to see the old names too, hope you’re all well and living your best lives.

Luna, I can't explain how much I admire your strength.

Can I ask - are you vulnerable with your husband? I sometimes struggle understanding how a BS can know they will be ok should the WS have another affair, but also love their WS again and be vulnerable with them.

I feel like I know I will be ok should my WH cheat again - but the trade off is that I can't let any love in 😔 and I can't even entertain the idea of trust or vulnerability.

Can I ask - are you vulnerable with your husband? I sometimes struggle understanding how a BS can know they will be ok should the WS have another affair, but also love their WS again and be vulnerable with them.

It comes with time and the vulnerability is not the same. But as you move through the healing process, as life throws you a few more things to carry, the unwavering support you get from a truly changed WS lays down the foundation for vulnerability again.

Not everyone will go through tough times on top of the infidelity "gift" but things will happen through the healing journey which will strengthen the relationship if both sides are 100% in. Just to say, I wasn’t 100% in post dday 2 until about 4 years out. It’s normal. Protect yourself and allow your natural instincts to do so. Doubt their actions because only fools don’t learn from history.

But change can happen although not everyone is capable of it. I used to think my WS was a pretty good husband before dday, but post dday I couldn’t accept certain bullshit anymore (I think most of us call it compromise), I realised my ideas of what constituted a good spouse and a good relationship was skewed, I had very low expectations (due to my own childhood trauma but that’s another subject).

I asked for a lot of change if we were to remain married. I doubted the man he initially became. I thought it was a ruse to make me feel secure and get over it. I thought a day will come when he’ll drop off his mask and the old him will emerge again. It didn’t, it’s been 7 years and he is remaining consistent. I don’t mean transparency or accountability only. I mean massive changes I requested in our relationship. (Those will be individual to each marriage).

It would have been easier for him to leave than stay under the circumstances and conditions I imposed.

Vulnerability in relationships post infidelity is different though when you love yourself and know your value, at least in my view. My vulnerability is less dependent. More "seize the moment", "make the best of it" than believing that we are guaranteed a future together.

I hope this makes sense.

I hope this makes sense.

Absolutely!

My husband and I are going on 46 years of togetherness. Sixth year past the separation. For the past four months I've been laid up with hip replacement rehabilitation. The care, concern and stuff he does for me is outstanding...for him. I believe that for other couples with no infidelity in their lives, this would be normal everyday concerns for their loved ones.

However, for me this was another eye opener as to the type of character he has in him, should he choose to act on it. What his motivation in acting this way is, I will not guess. It could be the sum of residual shame, regret and remorse. It could be that he was able to finally put away his selfishness and see what other people go though. It could be that he is afraid of being alone, should I choose to end the marriage. Lots of motivation.....it does not really matter to me why he is like this today. I am just content that he does assist me in whatever ways he can. I am seizing the moments.

The biggest take away for me, is the fear removal of being alone. I can do it, that is my safety net. Even entering senior years with possible health issues creeping up.

I'm happy for you and I follow your journey closely!

"It comes with time and the vulnerability is not the same. But as you move through the healing process, as life throws you a few more things to carry, the unwavering support you get from a truly changed WS lays down the foundation for vulnerability again."

Now this makes a lot of sense, Luna, thank you!

Are you able to elaborate what changes you requested from your WH to remain married?

Similar to you, I had an extremely skewed view of him and our marriage, prior to dday. I thought we had a great marriage, and whilst in some aspects that was true, my WS played very little part in our "great marriage". I gave, he took. I believed that because he was a hands on father, who wanted to spend his weekends off with us and did (what I felt was) his fair share around the house, I had lucked out. Compared to other marriages, I felt we were a cut above the rest. Yet underneath all of that, I felt lonely, unappreciated and unloved. The fact we were so affectionate and shared so much humour together seemed to make it implausible to me that maybe our marriage was like jelly.

Since Dday, my WH has failed tremendously on so many accounts. TT, anger, defensiveness, even abusiveness. And yet he will discuss the A until the cows come home, has never grown tired of the relentless questions, takes full responsibility and will not hear a word otherwise. Off his own back, he's felt the need to confess to almost everyone he knows. I *know* he wants this marriage more then anything in the world, and is trying his best (and failing miserably). If I asked him to quite his career and never leave the house again, I believe he would. And yet he is still plagued with issues that he is trying his best to work on. I think he is riddled with shame.

At the moment, I am just sat back and watching though. I have said, as you have above, I wonder whether he is wearing a mask, and I'm just waiting for it to slip and show the monster within. I see him as two different people right now. The man I know who cheated on me and abandoned his children for a fantasy, and the man who I see in front of me now who quite frankly I think would vomit at the idea of another affair. I don't know who's who and I keep wondering where the rouse is....

My main personal issue I think, is shame (ironically the same as his). I feel ashamed to love him, to kiss him, to be intimate with him. So I've stopped doing those things 😔 I used to feel so "proud" of our marriage, almost superior (dry heave 🤢). Now I feel disheveled and embarrassed, I want to hide from the world. I used to prize so much value in my moral compass, now I feel like a fraud for staying with an adulterer.

Was shame ever an issue for yourself in reconciliation?

Are you able to elaborate what changes you requested from your WH to remain married?

Similar to you, I had an extremely skewed view of him and our marriage, prior to dday. I thought we had a great marriage, and whilst in some aspects that was true, my WS played very little part in our "great marriage". I gave, he took. I believed that because he was a hands on father, who wanted to spend his weekends off with us and did (what I felt was) his fair share around the house, I had lucked out. Compared to other marriages, I felt we were a cut above the rest.

You’re describing my marriage pre-affair. My husband was an involved father, did his fair share of housework, spent all his free time with us, no boys nights out (except work events), no weekend away with the boys, no pub evenings after work. I come from a family with an alcoholic father and a mother that carried the world on her shoulders alone, arguments non stop, so my WH was exactly what I was looking for. It never crossed my mind that my standards are the lowest a decent man should offer.

But then there was the part where I couldn’t fully reach him emotionally, I used to joke that we cannot argue as he was refusing to engage in any argument. Coming from a family where arguing was a daily agenda, I found that reassuring (see how childhood trauma can affect you long term?). His style of arguing was passive aggressive, throw a bomb and leave the room.

There was also the part where he made me feel like a second class citizen in his life: he was the higher earner therefore "our savings" were in an account only he could access. The way we were spending "our savings" was only decided by him. For example if he decided he needed to change his car it came out of "our savings". If I needed to change my car I had to lease it from my monthly salary. (A big sign of cheating for me was when he bought me an Audi TT a month before dday from “our savings” telling me he wanted to see me happy, completely out of character for him).

When we spoke at one point about saving to buy the kids a car each when they pass their driving test at 17, he told me that’s not something that should come out of "our savings" so I should save separately from my pay(I did for the eldest). He had the last say in big decisions and, because my salary was left untouched by him so to speak (he paid the bills), it suited us, we were two conflict avoidant people who compromised for different reasons. I saw nothing wrong with it although it did bother me deep down, because I wanted him to be happy and I didn’t realise it was a sign of not being fully committed to us.

Post dday2 once I found my bitch boots, I asked for a few things to support my healing which were pretty basic: location services on, never miss a call from me (he still didn’t to this day, I don’t think), accountability, tell the world and it’s mother what he’s done, not as a punishment, keeping his secret for 4 months initially demonstrated it wasn’t the best idea seeing that he continued to be “friends” with ow, plus it was needed in certain situations. (For example he told his line manager who proceeded to be our strongest supporter from a work perspective- ow still worked there and his LM ensured she left when the opportunity arose besides being understanding if he had to leave work/work from home/call me for minutes on end. WH also made an HR grievance as ow was displaying threatening behaviour so they went through an HR panel investigation plus a police report of her behaviour done by him). IC with a clinical psychologist to unpack the level of deceit he was capable of and MC when I decided it was time for it.

But these actions were applying CPR on an almost dead marriage. I was already one foot out and he was by now reaching rock bottom (felt suicidal and couldn’t understand how he got here).

So we started unpacking it all. The way he saw himself somehow superior because he was the higher earner (not because he worked harder, in fact my hours were sometimes longer). How he didn’t perceive us as a unit but as an individual who "got himself a wife" and constantly protected himself somehow. He wasn’t all in before this A. What led to all of it, his own FoO issues.

The way he didn’t live in gratitude, instead of being grateful of what he/we achieved and had, he thought it was normal and nothing special, he took me and our family for granted.

The way he avoided all conflict and his skewed idea about what a marriage should look like (he perceived any attempt to discuss any issues as me not loving him or not appreciating him).

All these things he’d talk about in IC and then we’d unpack them at home too. I would also talk about them in IC and it pulled out a series of FOO issues that needed to be addressed.

So 7 years later we are now a unit. I seem to have become the main decision maker as he concluded that each time I pushed for something in the past it led to something positive. He often mentions how he feels so much better, less stressed to share the burden of it. Money is in one "pot" and we jointly decide how it is used.

He truly lives in gratitude and often stops to express it. I think for him the concept of looking at the glass half full and not take it for granted was new. He wasn’t a pessimist before all this, but he wasn’t actively stopping to appreciate how great his life is (and it is). He seems to have had a "come to Jesus" moment (he isn't religious) in this aspect.

Passive aggressiveness is gone. We now talk about everything that bothers us and he dropped the defensiveness and learnt to listen to how I feel rather than consider it criticism.

This didn't happen from day1 by the way. He wasn't perfect by any means. But once he reached rock bottom and I was not set on reconciliation anymore (in fact I thought we will divorce) he was pretty consistent overall.

I also think that reconciliation is a life time process once something like this happens.

I feel ashamed to love him, to kiss him, to be intimate with him. So I've stopped doing those things 😔 I used to feel so "proud" of our marriage, almost superior (dry heave 🤢). Now I feel disheveled and embarrassed, I want to hide from the world. I used to prize so much value in my moral compass, now I feel like a fraud for staying with an adulterer.

Was shame ever an issue for yourself in reconciliation?

Your story is pretty similar to mine, I feel like you wrote everything I felt at points through this journey.

Yes! The shame was huge. I couldn’t believe I am even considering staying with a cheater. The pride comes back. Perhaps not as fast as you’d like. But once you survive together such a massive trauma, you find pride in the fact that you were capable of doing the work of getting there.

The pride is different, my expectations are higher, but there is a lot of pride in what we have achieved as a couple for actual hard work. We’ve stayed together during our lowest points, stopped romanticising life and dealt with some pretty tough things, we’ve looked inside each others’ souls, that’s not something to be ashamed of, that’s something we should celebrate. 🙂

[This message edited by Luna10 at 4:27 PM, Tuesday, October 1st]

But once you survive together such a massive trauma, you find pride in the fact that you were capable of doing the work of getting there.

This.

A very succinct way to describe how two people can rebuild something.

Another thought or two on shame, the only I ever did was love my wife and family. No shame in that.

Allowing the person who hurt me in the worst way a shot at grace?

Well, she had to earn that last chance, she had to be her best self, had to aim higher and hold up her end. I didn’t owe the last chance, I chose it. Humans are flawed and some improve after horrible choices and some don’t.

No shame in offering a last chance, especially understanding I’m still cool whether the M works out or not.