SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi friends, been a while since I have posted.

Just wanted some opinions.

I have been dating a man for about a year. I am financially better off then he is. He does pay for.cheap meals but.cant.go on vacation with me.

We have talked about a future together and I wondered what you thought about ending this because he will never be able to go on large vacations, which I love or buying a house..

Also, his last 4 serious girlfriends were blondes and I do see him staring at blonde women when we are out.

I am a brunette.

Do you think men truly can prefer one hair color over another? When he stares, I get this feeling in my stomach.

Is this a dealbreaker? He is.wonderful to me in many different ways.

Thanks for any advice.

I make more than twice what my guy does and it can be an issue TBH. It's less about going on vacations, etc. and more that I quietly worry about his financial future, retirement, etc. He's a very kind person who treats me like a queen and I focus on that but the financial aspect does bother me a bit.

I'm kind of taken aback that he is blatantly checking out women in front of you - what the heck? That is pretty rude.

Aw T2B, I’m sorry he is staring at other women. I think it’s natural to be attracted to others at times. But blatantly staring, when he’s there with you? That’s rude and disrespectful to you, and a little creepy. Have you talked to him about this? What does he say?

Regarding the $ difference, only you can decide if this is a dealbreaker for you. Long term, you may want a certain lifestyle with the vacations you’re accustomed to, and there is nothing wrong with wanting someone who is your equal in this area. I’ve also dated several guys who had less $ and less education than I have. I didn’t care because we had fun together (and honestly I wasn’t looking for anything long term). But it was actually an issue for them. What does he say about this also, if anything?

Duplicate

[This message edited by staystrong101 at 8:24 PM, July 13th (Monday)]

This is a tough call. Putting the disrespect aside, only you can decide if his class standing is good enough. That is basically the issue and should not be off putting to anyone. Let me explain. When I married my STBXWW, I was marrying down. I was going to university, interested in intellectual and cultural pursuits and trying to always better myself. She was not.

I had to work very hard to convince her to backpack through Europe as she was not interested in looking at all that old stuff. She couldn't imagine going on anything other than a beach vacation. As the years progressed, we diverged and she held me I contempt for being a brainiac. I'm not. I am mindblowingly average, but coupled with a curious nature, I do okay.

Now, I dated a wonderful woman whom I miss terribly. Things did not work out. I was under no illusion we were a perfect match, but we were good together in many ways. She was my emotional equal and my intellectual superior, which I found super sexy. But she had very little money. We would never be able to go on wonderful vacations together, but you know what? I would gave given up all of those just to spend my time drinking a glass of wine on a deck together curled up under a quilt.

Vacations are just that, vacations, a chance to get away. But what if staying is so much better? Good luck with your choice.

I purposely have chosen to not become involved with financially unstable men because of the sole reason if I'fall in love', at that point I would be required (and would want to) as a partner to help financially if he needed it. I just don't want to go there. If you aren't that far down the road, that is something serious to look at.

That being said, I would be happy with someone who was not a big earner, but had been smart with money enough to save sufficiently to be solid so I would never worry if I would have to help out. It doesn't sound like he is this way. Why is that? As far as vacations, can he afford 'affordable' travel? Maybe you can do some inexpensive travel that is still pretty nice.

The checking out blonds, not such a big deal but that feeling of yours? I trust that. There is a reason for it.

I appreciate all the replies!

I have talked with him about the staring thing. It still happens.

As for the money, I truly enjoy his company in every other way; he just can't pay for things even when we go out to dinner.

I do enjoy global travel, etc. and to some degree he is not on the same level as I am intellectually either.

Hmmm, well you have all given me lots to think about here. Darn...

The hair thing, I was born blonde and stayed blonde.STBXWH never liked blondes. While we were married he often asked me to try different colours. Red in particular. His last AP was bottle RED, flashy and trashy. Fair and vibrant hair colours just stand out and can attract attention. It could be a Marilyn Monroe thing. Don’t take it personally. His last 4 relationships ended.

As for money. You like his company. He is good to you. Dating isn’t about fine dining and luxury vacations. There’s no reason why you cannot travel alone or with a friend.

I take my dear friend out for dinner and picked up the bill. I am a modern independent woman, so I don’t expect a man to fund my lifestyle. If you feel he is taking advantage, then that’s a whole different thing.

You’ve been dating a year. Maybe Give it more time.

Money and finances count... maybe that sounds harsh but we know from research that it’s a leading cause of not or divorces but arguments in relationships...

But I’ve started to assess it in a different light to “how much” money someone has but their relationship with money...

I’m financially well established and in light of future relationships I know that I need to protect that not just for my own security but that of the three children I’m raising. It causes a dilemma as I’m often therefore faced with dating people with less funds than myself and I often earn more.

Through divorce particularly if the male was the breadwinner and the wife stayed home or worked part time court will award a higher settlement to them. So that will account for some of the imbalances I experience. But if they had similar outlook to money, savings, buying houses and investment I know we are aligned in the way we handle money which will cause less problems in the future. Therefore I assess less on the amount they have rather the approach. This *works* for me.

On the other side, I’ve dated people that spend spend spend or have nothing to show for themselves in their forties... this is someone different ... our outlooks are not aligned. I dated the nicest man last year but he literally had nothing and in the end his approach would have had us as loggerheads I think he future (and that’s the without the worry of him taking my assets in a future separation). I ended it.

Same goes for earning capacity... are we aligned? Do they work as a job with no aspiration for self improvement or are we aligned on a mental / intelligence level. Can I have a discussion about world topics and debate them. I don’t think some who stacked selves in a supermarket and I would align mentally? It’s no so much earning capacity it’s stimulation.

Personally I’d love to meet someone where I was a relatively financial match (existing) but similar in earning because wouldn’t that make life easy!!!! But after having over 30 dates in the last couple of years and dating five to them for longer periods I’ve realised we aren’t 20 anymore and therefore it’s unlikely as we have each had a different past.

Now I have the opposite problem which I can’t say I’m finding any easier... I’m dating someone who will most likely match me financially in assets (so no stress on protecting mine) but he earns at least 4 times more and that’s substantial when I earn six figures myself. I cants keep up with him as although our outlooks are very aligned, his salary can afford to match expensive taste. Early days so I can’t advise the challenges on this one.

It’s VERY hard to find a nice man... personally I would look to see how he manages his money rather than if he can afford the holiday and then see what you can do to resolve it moving forward. Don’t throw him out just because he doesn’t earn as much now. Take goals into consideration. You can’t buy love !!

Money and finances count... maybe that sounds harsh but we know from research that it’s a leading cause of not or divorces but arguments in relationships...

But I’ve started to assess it in a different light to “how much” money someone has but their relationship with money...

I’m financially well established and in light of future relationships I know that I need to protect that not just for my own security but that of the three children I’m raising. It causes a dilemma as I’m often therefore faced with dating people with less funds than myself and I often earn more.

Through divorce particularly if the male was the breadwinner and the wife stayed home or worked part time court will award a higher settlement to them. So that will account for some of the imbalances I experience. But if they had similar outlook to money, savings, buying houses and investment I know we are aligned in the way we handle money which will cause less problems in the future. Therefore I assess less on the amount they have rather the approach. This *works* for me.

On the other side, I’ve dated people that spend spend spend or have nothing to show for themselves in their forties... this is someone different ... our outlooks are not aligned. I dated the nicest man last year but he literally had nothing and in the end his approach would have had us as loggerheads I think he future (and that’s the without the worry of him taking my assets in a future separation). I ended it.

Same goes for earning capacity... are we aligned? Do they work as a job with no aspiration for self improvement or are we aligned on a mental / intelligence level. Can I have a discussion about world topics and debate them. I don’t think some who stacked selves in a supermarket and I would align mentally? It’s no so much earning capacity it’s stimulation.

Personally I’d love to meet someone where I was a relatively financial match (existing) but similar in earning because wouldn’t that make life easy!!!! But after having over 30 dates in the last couple of years and dating five to them for longer periods I’ve realised we aren’t 20 anymore and therefore it’s unlikely as we have each had a different past.

Now I have the opposite problem which I can’t say I’m finding any easier... I’m dating someone who will most likely match me financially in assets (so no stress on protecting mine) but he earns at least 4 times more and that’s substantial when I earn six figures myself. I cants keep up with him as although our outlooks are very aligned, his salary can afford to match expensive taste. Early days so I can’t advise the challenges on this one.

It’s VERY hard to find a nice man... personally I would look to see how he manages his money rather than if he can afford the holiday and then see what you can do to resolve it moving forward. Don’t throw him out just because he doesn’t earn as much now. Take goals into consideration. You can’t buy love !!

My husband and I are mindblowingly happy together, despite huge financial differences. My pension and social security bring in five times as much as his social security does. He was injured badly in 1997 and hasn’t been able to find work since.

In the beginning, financial issues were a struggle. As a man, it hurt his pride that he hadn’t earned more and hadn’t had as stellar a career path as my late husband. Yet this new husband is the most generous man I ever met, and the most unselfish. He uses marijuana as his sole pain relief, despite the constant pain in his back (10 back surgeries and 1 in the wait in line spot). I was so numb when my late husband died that it took me several YEARS to realize that new husband had done without his pain relief to supply dying husband some. And then supply me with some escape from emotional pain.

Everyone in the senior independent living place asked new hubby for help. He gave people rides. He fixed cars, and he fixed gnarly computers. He walked dogs when their owners weren’t feeling so well.

He gave me gifts when we were courting that cost nothing in dollars but used his thoughtfulness. Four leaf clovers. Pine cones shaped like roses. A quick “look there” for a view of a baby eagle overhead. Constant, care for me...anything he can do to make my life easier and more enjoyable.

He was prickly in the beginning about the fact that I had more $$$ to contribute to the relationship. I kept pointing out the MULTITUDE of things that he contributed.

We don’t argue about money, nor do we worry about it now. I have never, not once, felt taken advantage of.

This is kinda nasty. As a guy, women are usually looking at finances and this thread proves it. Yea, some of you, and just like a small percentage of women out there don't, but by in large, it sure looks like it.

Imagine if a man wouldn't date said women if she earns less than him. There'd be a lot less relationships out there today. Its not Gold Digging, but it sure feels like its okay if the man makes more, but there is an issue if he doesn't make much.

Maybe a way to resolve this going forward would be use certain dating site that cater to a certain type of finances. Otherwise, you should be honest in your Online Dating profile that you will only date someone who makes XXX amount of money, or has XXX amount in assets. I'm sure that'll land you plenty of date.

[This message edited by HalfTime2017 at 7:32 PM, July 14th (Tuesday)]

This is kinda nasty. As a guy, women are usually looking at finances and this thread proves it.

Hey, I wouldn't know how much my guy makes if he hadn't told me point blank (I never talk about money IRL). He has a lot of stress around finances and as his partner, he talks about it with me. Fortunately he's made some really good moves lately that have lowered his stress and expenses.

On a ladies Facebook group I frequent, a member asked how others feel about dating men who make significantly less. The prevailing opinion seemed to be that as long as he can support himself, it's NBD. That's how I feel. A few members said they want to be roughly equal. I just recall 2 out of many replies claiming they need the guy to make more.

My XWH makes (and spends) a metric fuck ton of money now. For the majority of the marriage, I made slightly more. The more his business took off and the more money he made, the worse he treated me. He told me point-blank (after we split) that when he started making lots of money, he felt entitled to outside female attention. I actually am WARY of dudes who make a lot of money. I have an expectation that they will be abusive.

when he started making lots of money, he felt entitled to outside female attention. I actually am WARY of dudes who make a lot of money. I have an expectation that they will be abusive.

Maybe I'm Judgy McJudgerson...but I feel the same way! I have always avoided men who were financially way beyond my range. I assumed they would feel entitled in all the bad ways, or would think he could "control" me...no thank you!

HalfTime, I think you're missing the message. Most people I talk to want a partner somewhat close to themselves money wise. Torn's man can't even buy her dinner once in a while. That would be an issue for a lot of folks. It would be for me as well. My male friend calls it DFD (dating for dinner) when women expect men to pay every single time...so it goes both ways. He is also well traveled and is seeking a woman who can do that with him. I don't think he is being unreasonable. Travel is important to him. He can afford his own fares, but not a partner's as well.

This is an individual decision for everyone. There is no right or wrong.

WhotheBleep,

I don't think I missed the point. When we engage with people online or OLD, or in real life how many guys are looking at the type of purse a gal holds or car she drives? On the flip, I know for sure girls notice if you've got yourself or Porsche or Tesla.......

Guys don't go around asking for numbers based on what you own, or how much you make. I just don't feel that is the same for females. I know, we can't say in general, and we know certainly there are females who make a heck of a lot more money, and date down. That's really not the case, just ask **NO POLITICS***. We see it time and again, the ***NO POLITICS*** of this world.

If you make more money than him, why are you worrying about his financial future? Oh thats right... b/c you worry you have to take care of him. Well, I don't think I need to inform you that most guys go into relationships expecting exactly that. That we will probably have to take care of the women, but we don't make it a deal breaker. It again, it sure sounds like its a deal breaker here on this thread, and in many cases in society.

If people are honest about it, they should put it in their OLD profile. I expect you to make $$$ or else its not going to work. At least thats being honest. Otherwise, you start dating and break up with someone for this reason: The guy doesn't make enough money! And that is the truth.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:31 AM, July 16th (Thursday)]

The staring at women is the part that would bother me to the point of breaking it off.

The money? Nah. Money is nothing compared to character. I don't care if the next guy I date makes 6 figures or half of what I do. I am concerned about character.

For me, if I were dating someone who couldn't afford to eat out often (and single mom me can relate), I'd find other things for us to do when we get together. It isn't all about eating at nice restaurants. I'd probably insist on it even with a higher earning date because I don't feel like a man should have to cover my expenses when dating. Yes, you're going to do different things on dates depending upon what money you both make, but you're still just two human beings. One's bank account is not a good assessment of one's value.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 5:50 PM, July 15th (Wednesday)]

Guys don't go around asking for numbers based on what you own, or how much you make.

I've seen it mentioned on SI, more than once, that apparently all a woman needs is to have a vagina to land herself a man. Even better if she is young(ish) and attractive. I'll jump to a conclusion and state that that is primary on a man's mind when he asks a stranger/woman for her number. I don't want this to turn into another 50 page thread about men and women and sex and priorities etc. We are talking about long-term relationships here. If a man (not you Halftime, just a hypothetical man) is only interested in the young hottie with the vagina, then he is not in a good position to have strong feelings about what she earns.

I said it's a personal decision for everyone. I'm 46 years old. God willing I have a lot of traveling ahead of me. I would love to do that traveling with a loving partner. I do okay financially and I can afford to take myself on a vacation once in awhile. If my divorce goes fairly, I'll be in better shape than that. However, I cannot finance my partner's vacations. I don't earn THAT much. Therefore, I hope to find someone who is at least on equal footing with me financially. I don't think that makes me a gold digger. It's a compatibility issue. And a personal choice.

In a long term sense, the money will be an issue for a lot of people, including men. If men go into dating assuming they will have to take care of the woman, then there's a good chance they will end up in that position. If you don't want to pay her rent, then narrow your dating pool. Pretty faces are a dime a dozen. Make sure she is also on solid ground. I don't think that makes you a gold digger, or shallow.

ETA: I agree with Dee that character is first and foremost. And for many, money is not an issue at all. At all. I've dated men who earned significantly less than me. The relationships ended for other reasons, but it was in the back of my mind what our long-term potential was, because I know my financial situation, and it doesn't include supporting a man.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 4:05 PM, July 16th (Thursday)]

Men don’t want just a young vagina, they want a slim young vagina 😆😂

Unfortunately gender stereotypes do exist. A recent study of 28k Showed Women felt it was more important that their partner made at least as much money as they did (46% versus 24% of men) and had a successful career (61% versus 33% of men), while men favored a slender body (80% versus 58% of women).

And men with more education also had stronger preferences for female partners who were “good looking” and slender, whereas this was not a concern for women. Some 95% of men with an advanced degree said it was “essential” that their partner was “good looking” versus 77% of those with a high school education or less, and 84% of those men said it was essential that their partner was slender versus just 12% of those with a high school education or less.

I used to think checking out women was OK since he did it right in front of me, so what could be the harm, right? I know differently now, so it's a red flag for me. Listen to your gut.

As for the finances, there is a new post in this forum, New beginnings, old hangups, that adds perspective to this. When you get burned financially by your cheating spouse, it leaves its mark. I would only date someone who was financially secure, able to contribute to the lifestyle we both want - travel, entertainment, etc. BUT....not someone who made tons of money and might feel "entitled," as other posters have mentioned. I made more than my WH for most of our 23 years. Once he moved up in his company and started earning more, he became much less loving and kind. It seems to coincide with when he started cheating.

If you love travel, you'll either have to give it up, travel alone, or travel with someone else. Same with your desire to buy a house. It's hard but you'll have to figure out your priorities and decide accordingly.

SoHappyNow:

Everyone in the senior independent living place asked new hubby for help. He gave people rides. He fixed cars, and he fixed gnarly computers. He walked dogs when their owners weren’t feeling so well.

Darn, you got the guy I was looking for Kind, thoughtful and mature. Doesn't sound entrapped by material showcasing. Ahhhh. Sounds wonderful.