Long time no see! Ex just got in my head again!

I am living an awesome single life, my son turned out great, my ex cheater has paid support as required with intermittent texts mildly threatening that he would not be able to keep paying but nothing major. We had been together 30 years. He did the keep on cheating emotional torture thing when I thought we were reconciling. Divorce was final seven years ago. SO----

One of his homes owned by he and his new wife (not who he cheated with), was flooded in the hurricane. He sent me a video he made for her (I believe) to show the damage. (It still hurt for a weird flash moment hearing him talk to her in the video, and hearing his voice which I had not heard in a very long time ---- 30 years together the initial connection instinct will probably never go away.)

He proceeded to text me that he had "lost everything he had left that I didn't take" and didn't know how he was going to pay me alimony this month. Keep in mind they have two other homes and this is not their main home. Meanwhile, I live in a very affordable little condo in a not expensive area.

First off, I feel bad for their loss and the work ahead of them. Secondly, the blaming me at first made me angry, then sad. I have moved on from the cheating and divorce in my mind, my bad memories are distant now, with kind of fond memories and gratefulness that my son has done well with the divorce in it's place.. I also don't think of ex in an angry way, partly because he has paid when he is supposed to.

Here's where I went wrong.

Up until now I have a rule to text only needed facts, no emotion or opinions. But in this case I was trying to be kind in letting him know I feel terrible for their situation but reminded him that it was he who chose to destroy our family, not me taking everything he had. And hopefully he can get things resolved to get back on track with child support payments. (I call it child support because that's what it is while my son is in college) Something in this set him off!

He responded with an angry list of every dime I got in the divorce, accused me of bank fraud (because of when my lawyer had me withdraw 50% of a large payment he received.) He added in some personal stuff, and then mentioned that our son would have turned out to be a looser if he went to the college I wanted that would have been fully paid for with scholarships. (He instead convinced son to take out student loans to attend a different college, which son and I are actually happy he chose, which I pay for some of, and cheater does not).

He also said his new wife could snap her fingers and he would be on the street because of a 2 inch prenup. (I wanted to reply to how marriage is sacred and a good spouse would never snap her fingers to end a marriage but---)

I was up half the night worrying not only how to respond, but feeling guilty for my financial affect on him. I had been flirting with the idea lately that maybe I should have stayed friendly instead of no contact. It has been so unsettling to hear his hatred for me! I am surprised how it is affecting me. I didn't realize the extent of his hatred until last night. Especially because I feel far removed, yet he does have to sent that money every month so it hasn't ended for him in the same way. So, in addition to being the cause of his financial problems, he accused me of being content to make him stay on his boat and pay for home expenses when he first moved out (? Never heard this before. I recall I groveled and cried and begged him to stay, sick to my stomach for weeks, loosing over 20 pounds, kind of forgot about that but when he brought that time up it made me think back)

I did take full advantage of the law and was smart money-wise as far as taking my name off his credit cards, separating non-marital etc. in the beginning as he was having his affair and gaslighting me for the months leading to the divorce. I also do feel bad that his carreer has died off and tried other things with not much success. I know him and getting 'a regular job' would have destroyed him. (I went and got a tech school degree, punched a clock while son was at school, and am able to work part time in that field now. I was a stay at home mom with him so no career to fall back on).

I will be okay financially for the most part now, have a retirement, and will probably eventually inherit a decent bit of money and he will not. I keep thinking if there is anything as a good person I should do to ease his burden? I probably am bleeding him dry in all honesty. (What he pays now is about half of what I am paying for son's rent though- I'm so back on forth on this. I would be taking money from savings.)

So here is where I would like to ask for some input. (and thoughts on the above)

One of his accusations is I stole his IRA. I think what happened is he didn't know where to find it and never asked so I just assumed he had it in order. Out of nowhere a few months ago I can now view that account, it shows up as and option when I log in to my bank (same bank we had). He has not touched it and it is sitting there in cash not making interest, no stocks, and has not gone up. So sad. Knowing he has this cash and is over 59 1/2, has been my back up play if he stops paying that yes he does have money. If I tell him sooner, he would probably just spend it all and then my back up would be gone. Now that he brought it up I feel obligated to let him know it is there? Maybe he needs it for the flood issue?

Another issue is life insurance on himself that I own, that he probably believes is worth far more cash value than what actually happened. (I stole that also in his mind, even though it was clearly spelled out in the divorce decree, but to be honest I thought he might miss it, now I feel guilty? Do I let him know the cash values would have eventually run out if I didn't add to it? Do I let him know about a lawsuit that shows people like him were misled with higher interest number projections that never happened? It may make him less angry to know there is so much less money than he thinks sitting there. I also have it in my mind this is for my son, even though it is in my name.

How do I respond? Do I respond? What do I tell him, if anything? I hate not sticking up for myself when he feels so much vengeance. And softening the numbers might help?

By the way, after the long tirade last night ( I did not respond) this morning he texted and nicely said he will pay the next month or so when he can get back on his feet. This was a patten through our marriage. Attack, and be nice the next day, and I would be oh so happy all was well in the world again.

5 comments posted: Friday, October 4th, 2024

Comedian sleeping alone joke made me realize I'm an odd-ball now:-)

A comedian on TV joked that he doesn't like being single.

He doesn't wake up alone in bed and think "I'm free! I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, and I can stretch out across my bed when I want, and not be woken up by someone else----- etc."

I didn't get the joke because that is EXACTLY what I do think! Often! At night in bed even! Almost five years after divorce.

Society sure makes me second guess this though----

18 comments posted: Tuesday, March 8th, 2022

Rearing its ugly head after hiding for a few years.

My divorce from cheater was final a little over 4 years ago. He has never missed an alimony or support payment but has expressed his belief it is unfair a few times by text, to which I never responded. I am the poster child for no contact except brief texts concerting logistics with our son. I have NEVER stood up for myself with him when he texted these things and let them go unanswered. So far it has worked out well for me.

A number of months ago he informed me he will no longer be splitting doctor or extracurricular expenses since he 'gives me' so much money and I 'got' his life insurance policy etc. At that time he wanted me to pay a big fee for some extracurricular education for our son, which I agreed was a good idea. I said I would do it this one time but reminded him about the divorce decree. Since then I am keeping track of these things for down the road if I decide to go after it.

He married a very wealthy woman and is living a lavish life while I am hanging with the blue collar world, same car as before divorce, tiny condo in not as nice an area etc. I do believe him though that his own personal savings are almost nothing, the lavishness is her money. I have built up a decent savings thanks to a few opportunities that I am grateful I was not married to him when they became available and will not be struggling to pay.

Last night, I got a text from him telling me he expects me to pay for another educational opportunity for son, because he has given me $-------- dollars and bla bla bla and never has been late etc. I responded that I am tight on funds but will budget for it going forward if we can split it. I then asked what that money would cover. This morning he responded asking how I could have possibly not saved enough from his child support 'for our sons future'. Not very nice huh? He listed EVERY SINGLE LITTLE PENNY I was 'given' or that I 'took'! I can't believe he carries this all in his head. (before divorce, 1/2 of savings, 1/2 of money from a safe, all legal). So after all my good hearted feelings of him that I still have to this day, all I am to him is someone who took advantage of him financially. Sad to deal with in it's own right but I have more pressing concerns--

To the point, this is an opportunity for my son that I 100% agree with and would pay on my own. The amount of money is significant but actually a lot cheaper than what I could have lined up on my own, so in a way I am 'paying half' due to my exes' connections.

The question is, how do I respond to ex cheater? I have had to slap my own hand multiple times reaching for my phone in wanting to defend myself along the lines of "Talk about unfair, unfair is bamboozling your wife and partner out of 27 years of her life, it was "ours" not "yours", I had no freedom to ever come and go ONE TIME through all of the years as primary caregiver for our son since the day he was born, and how he appears to be living a very fine life in comparison to me etc. The thing is, I haven't responded to this stuff before and things are working out pretty well based on that. I don't want to rock the boat and in a way, degrade myself by responding. Yet holding it in gets to me sometimes. I am okay just paying for my son's experience as long as ex keeps paying his alimony etc. I still need those payments to make it financially at this point.

I am thinking of telling him I will put it on a credit card and pay for it, but remind him that according to the divorce decree we are supposed to split these things. That way I am not completely agreeing, just going along, and if I am in the mood when my alimony ends in a few years I can decide whether to go after it, which I probably would not. Or, I can not say anything and just ask for the information on signing him up and do it. I am interested in your thoughts on this.

20 comments posted: Thursday, September 9th, 2021

What is up with ME?!

I am coming from a place almost four years from divorce where I went from feeling a deep need to partner up, to loving being single and free with my new place. I usually have my teen son here, with intermittent breaks with him at Dads and me being giddy I get to do whatever I want without answering to anyone or cleaning up after anyone. I even just eat snacks from the fridge, no real meals. Once he moves out though, it will be different I have been warned.

So, I am thinking I am healthy and ready to pair up because even in the midst of my loving being single I have moments when my son is not here where I think how alone I actually am. Just moments where it would be nice to have a significant other in my life, but to be honest, more like if I had to go to the hospital there would be no one local who cares a whole lot, just freinds that are married or paired up for the most part. I also can't picture myself ever living with another adult full time again other than my son.

I was here a bit back questioning a person I have been dating who claims his ex had mental issues. Since then I have come to feel very comfortable that he isn't trying to bamboozle me and is actually a really good guy. I am getting used to someone being there to text in the moment, check in on etc. Not that I didn't used to do that more with various friends.

The problem is I am so hot and cold with this person in the worst way. Quite often I am just not that excited when it's time to get together, but then when we actually are together, I enjoy myself, but not over the top.

I am not sure if it's me wanting to stay single, or if he just isn't the right one for me. He has made it clear he is really into me, plus we have a lot in common, and that is a precious thing I value and it is NOT easy to find. He's the first person I have dated that checks so many boxes, but not all of course.

It's the weirdest thing though lately. I am feeling a connection forming and it feels WEAK. Like something at my core is being sacrificed with a feeling of need/fear of being alone if I end this creeping in. Being left or leaving someone who isn't good to you is easier than choosing to be without a solid partner when looking at it from this angle. I also lately find myself wondering how I could have been so happy completely single, (yet I still wanted to date so I still was looking), yet I want that back before it's too late and I connect more.

Us humans are adaptable over time and maybe this is that, but maybe it's a sign to back off because I am not more into him. Or maybe the cheating ruined me! :-). (And that is okay actually, I will have a good excuse then!). I don't want to drag him on and of course I feel that pressure as well. I have no idea right now! I would miss him pretty bad if we ended it though.

Just throwing this out to see what others thoughts are on this. It is messing with my happy little isolated world I was enjoying:-).

17 comments posted: Friday, April 23rd, 2021

Thoughts on this person I am dating?

I started dating a guy who has been great in every way. Very respectful of me and my 'take it slow' attitude.

So here is what is making me 'feel' like backing off. When he describes the reason for his divorce it is always the same. She had mental health issues. (I know, I watch for that excuse when dating) She was committed two times, once by his daughter. (who I have met and who has a great relationship with him and not her mother) BUT, then he goes on to explain that he did not believe in divorce, so would not ask her for one.

He stayed with her but had stopped being into the marriage years earlier. And the kicker is, he tells me near the end of the marriage she would want him to say he missed her or loved her when she was gone but he wouldn't. (why is he telling me this?) She wanted to go to marriage counseling after they discussed divorce, to save the marriage but he wouldn't, he would only go in order to navigate the divorce cordially. (?) The only stories he tells me are the Baker Act stories and one where she threw a wine bottle at him in front of his daughter. He also presents himself as noble that he did not divorce her years earlier when he wanted to, and waited till she finally asked him if he wanted a divorce. He felt that was his ticket out of the marriage. She didn't ask for a divorce, she asked if HE wanted a divorce because they had become like room mates.

As a BS, I am sensitive to the idea that a spouse can make another 'loose their mind'. I question if he egged it along, but he said once that her depression and alcoholism and refusal to treat it made him loose interest, which I could understand. It's the admitting he withheld affection that really gets me, and if he did, why is he telling me this? I even respond with sympathy for his ex when he says this, yet he has retold the story more than once.

We are very compatible and he treats me well, and with respect, but this story is foreign to me and makes me loose that warm feeling I have otherwise from how nice he is in every other way.

BTW, my sister has been with a wonderful man who has really come through for our family and her for many years now. His ex had mental issues, so it isn't always a fake story, which is still my first instinct.

Any thoughts on this?

20 comments posted: Wednesday, March 17th, 2021