SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s wonderful that he is seeking help. But. There is always a but. This behavior is a compulsion that might have been his way of, weirdly, feeling less sad. He would get the high from the planning and executing the cheating but probably crash right back into sadness. When people live with depression they will do anything to get out of it, even cheating. So letting go of what he used to try to manage the stress he constantly lives under will be hard to let go of. I hope he succeeds in curing himself.

Yes I completely understand that. I come from an alcoholic family. He is dealing with the trauma that led to the depression…..he white knuckled the first DDay but I’m seeing him doing deeper work. But time will tell. I’m moving on me taking care….but I’m deeply sad

I hope you've had some extra peace and calm in the week since he moved into his own place. While he'd already been couch-surfing, now that he is out into a more permanent situation, maybe that's been helpful to you in continuing to look forward.

And on one of your earlier points about it being hard not to feel empathy for him, I hear you. I talked by phone to my WH yesterday to sort out a few divorce details that he felt we could handle more effectively directly, instead of through the lawyers. It was the first time we'd spoken in more than two months - everything has been text messages since early February - and I was reminded of exactly why it has been better for me to stick to text. We had a perfectly cordial and constructive conversation and addressed the divorce items no problem, but I could hear in his voice how he's struggling. We didn't get into anything personal other than the "how are you?" niceties, and he's not great. Coincidentally I heard through a relative yesterday that he's struggling.

I can feel how my heart has softened toward him in the 24 hours since that call, and I have to remind myself that my number one job is to protect myself. I haven't been and don't intend to treat him poorly in any way, and we're both approaching the divorce in a way that is thoughtful and reasonable, but it is not my job any more to take care of himself. I can have the feelings of empathy for someone I've deeply loved for more than 25 years...and at the same time know that it's not my obligation to soothe his pain.

Sadly he continues to rug sweep the affairs and his behavior - this was just a marriage that had run its course - and he is doing no work on himself - likely because he can't risk what he might see if he looks closely at himself. His ultimate betrayal is of himself.

Anyway, you seem to be doing an incredible job of staying poised and focused on yourself in a healthy way, in the face of an extremely difficult situation. Keep it up!