SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am asking because I genuinely don’t know what it means to be seen in a relationship.

What in the name of both Zeus and Odin is everyone’s hang up with just actually answering the OP’s question? You know, the one in the title of this thread, and that ends his first post, and is reiterated in another post?

What does it mean to really see someone? What does it mean to truly be seen?

And I’ll say that when the WS is cheating, they really don’t want to be seen.

Hop,

I think many people have answered that question. But to answer yours,

1.There is just a lot of controversy because hell’s ws doesn’t have a great track record and they worry this means he will try and change for her.

I don’t read him this way. I read him as he is very weary of his ws, doesn’t have a plan about their marriage but is likely still in a situation of he is there in a marriage that is practical for finances and kids, but still detached. People do these postmortems regardless of their outcome.

2, I think people believe his therapists is trying to get him to accept blame for her behaviors.

I have seen him say a couple of times on this thread that he is interested in knowing things he can do differently in relationships in general. Taking inventory of this seems to be separate from the cheating and more towards his concerns of how his past trauma (in the military) maybe keeps him too removed, with his walls up.

I think it’s great that hell wants to learn about and explores himself. I think the rest of the voices are okay with that but are concerned that he is relating this to his last marriage, are worried that him changing based on that relationship is a mistake, and are afraid he is going down a bad path.

I can see both sides of this and the reason it’s gone on is he has been an active member of the community and while the post has gone through twists and turns it’s because everyone wants the very best outcome for him.

But, I agree with the spirit of your question. The only way someone is going to have self discovery is to ask all sorts of questions. This is not a horrible question of "how can I be a better romantic partner" and he seems to know that she would have cheated regardless of what he did. He didn’t post this in the reconciliation forum.

So hopefully more people will chime in on what makes you feel seen.

[This message edited by hikingout at 10:59 PM, Monday, March 10th]

Being seen: when a friend repeats back your message in their own words but they sound just like yours. When they accurately call out your unspoken good intentions.

Being seen: when a friend repeats back your message in their own words but they sound just like yours.

Well said, Ink.

My first thought when I read the OP's post was of my best friend. I think there are couples who find it almost impossible to "see" each other due to personality differences. She and her H are one of them. I know a lot of people don't put much stock in the Myers-Briggs, but I think it tends to be pretty accurate. She's an ENFP and he's the exact opposite - ISTJ. Their brains work very differently. They value very different things. He can't see her, mostly because he doesn't put any stock in intuition. He thinks she's been deceptive or flaky when she changes her mind about anything. He doesn't like change, and she's all about generating options. It's a match made in hell.

I think sometimes work can be done to help partners connect. But sometimes, the chasm is just too wide.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 12:18 AM, Tuesday, March 11th]

I'll chime in

Of course they feel like they haven't been seen, when an AP is hyper focusing on them in order to extract what they want?

Nothing can compare to that sort of attention and ego stroking. APs are offering smoke up asses and roses that fly to the moon, then the spouse comes home to normality, bills and regular life..

Of course they are...seen

Of course they feel like they haven't been seen, when an AP is hyper focusing on them in order to extract what they want?

It goes beyond that as WW and AP don't have 20 years of history coloring the impression of each other. New and exciting is always going to trump experience once the A gets rolling. If someone feels unseen, the unseen partner has as much a role if not more in resolving than the unseeing one. Truthfully there's only so much one partner (of either flavor) can do on their own. OP shouldn't focus as much on the unseeing part as much as making sure they are connecting and giving others a safe space to be heard and considered.

It is my opinion and experience that some wayward individuals do not allow themselves to be seen authentically. Thus they do not form meaningful connections, exhibit much personal growth, and fail to achieve a profound sense of fulfillment.

Ripped- I agree.

I don’t think about my affair in terms of being seen. I was my least authentic self when I was having an affair. I know that’s what I was seeking, but the keys were inside me all along.

I can honestly say though, my husband was emotionally neglectful in our pre-a marriage. That is not having anything to do with comparison of my affair. And it wasn’t a reason to have an affair. Honestly I was to the place I wanted a divorce and did the chicken shit thing instead. It was a pile of things, some of it mine, some of it his. I was unknowingly resentful of him, I avoided admitting it to myself.

The affair was driven by how I had mismanaged my life. I didn’t look out for myself and communicate. I just brushed everything under the rug. It’s because my attempts to communicate led to being shut down by him at every turn. He refused to see my complaints as something he should comply with.

But since then I have learned the way I communicated was highly ineffective. I can communicate in a straight forward request way rather than letting it build up and explode and him not understand why I was crying or angry. By not letting anything pile up and asking for what I want it’s so much simpler. He asks me for what he wants too.

I said all that for this reason: hell has largely abandoned this thread. It’s likely because we keep focusing on why his wife wasn’t seen. I am saying you are right- all of you- his wife has been extremely wayward. I have been wayward and I know that she wouldn’t have felt seen if he put a gigantic microscope over her. I was her in so many ways. I believe that hell totally understands that too.

Him asking what does it mean to be seen is him wanting to understand himself, not her. He wanted to hear what it means and he said he did those things. So maybe that alleviates a fear for him. Maybe it helps him feel more in control

Of his future which is largely unknown.

You can’t prevent cheating, but you can become more educated about yourself and relationships to give yourself a better chance at a better future love life. We shouldn’t assume he means for his wife to be the recipient of that. Instead, I think he would like to have more confidence he has learned the important lessons from his experience regardless of the outcome of his marriage. He has said that several times in his responses, go back and read it from the horses mouth.

It’s NOT about her.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:07 PM, Tuesday, March 11th]

Example: I tell my fWH what is bothering me, and he listens and replies "Okay." He then believes he has attended to my complaint, but his just replying "Okay" is not showing me he truly "sees" the issue, for a couple of reasons: He didn't elaborate on what I talked about, and he didn't express any empathy of feeling, like "Oh, yeah, I would feel similar..." AND, the worst part of this, is he thinks he has adequately addressed my statement! Whereas, to me he has just made a simple comment that I can't glean much meaning from. I walk away wondering 'Does he really care?' Hard to tell. I don't get a hell of a lot out of hearing "Okay."

Damn, I SO get this! My WW will sometimes ask me "How are you doing?" Just in a general sense of a way, not a serious "How are you actually feeling about everything right now, I'd really like to know?" type of way. When I explain in detail what I'm dealing with at the moment, I really don't even get an OK. Just a look of "I sort of heard you, but I'm not going to comment on it because it makes me sad to talk about it". Such a bummer.