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Processing a month now, realize now this assimilation will be v slow. Uncomfortably slow.

Separated SAWH has admitted to his problem, and is owning it, to the exclusion of all else perhaps. Maybe good? I want him to think of other things he's got goin on, but I'm glad he sees this is big....

He's remorseful, working his steps and therapy, trying to find healing (early days yet). Of course, no surprise he's got the same low self-worth and anger issues, but he's saying all the right things to me so far.

I still care about him and feel drawn in but wonder if I'm healthy feeling that way. I was honestly looking for an out before all this, and one was given (be careful what you wish for) but now it has presented, I'm reluctant to assimilate it.

I could never have imagined this level of required reassessment. Yet I'm still sucked into his need and struggles.

I'm blaming him for this massive betrayal, fearful to accept R as a possibility; he's sometimes hopeful but picking up my defeatist vibe.

I feel like I've been invested in his low self esteem a long time. I can't make him better, and I feel like I'm entitled to point out his gaslighting and manipulation and emotional distance all those years w/o him giving up on it all now. I know it's gotta suck to hear but he knows hiw hurt I am or he says so anyway. I still want to reassure him he's not evil and I love him and I hate that I want to do that. I think right now I'd rather hurt him back.

[This message edited by gray54 at 2:18 AM, Wednesday, October 2nd]

I'm speaking from my experience, which is an exWP with borderline personality disorder. Possibly other traits in there too such as NPD.

These personality disorders are very good at sucking you back in, sometimes years after the breakdown of a relationship.

Circular patterns of trying to prove something with the facts never got me anywhere. He refused to look at them. Whether it was baiting me or him being delusional I will never know. Because I'm not doing it any more.

I'm not prepared to find myself back at this position AGAIN in another five years. I've been through about 5 cycles of this rubbish over the past 17 years and I will not be experiencing a 6th.

The 3rd time he sucked me back in, I asked him if this time he was sure. He unequivocally said YES, he's done a lot of work on himself.......yet here I am 9 years later with the same old person, doing the same old thing. Back then I wasn't really sure what happened, but this time the AP was suspicious of him and contacted me to ask if he was in a relationship with me. And she gave me all the proof I needed. I was lucky this time to be provided with actual evidence and made very aware of what he was doing, rather than him gaslighting and manipulating me.

It's just food for thought for you, and may not apply to your situation at all.

At one month, you're probably still in the shock phase. I've just bumped some posts with bull's eye icons. I encourage you to read the ones about recovering before you say reconcile.

Also, don't listen to his words. Watch his actions. You know he's a liar, so his words don't mean much right now.

It takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity. It is a slow process and there aren't any shortcuts. It can take longer if you decide to R. Posters here say about 5-8 for them and the M.

his gaslighting and manipulation and emotional distance

This is emotional abuse. In between his gaslighting and manipulation, I'm guessing there were some very nice times. So, you keep waiting to see the nice guy show up. Those nice times can also be emotional abuse - it's called intermittent reinforcement. When you're a victim of emotional abuse, your brain chemistry can change and that's why you feel sucked in.

For me, I gave myself 6 month increments to evaluate where XWH was and if he was doing the work to be a safe partner. Spoiler alert: he wasn't. It took me 18 months and him having inappropriate sexual contact with somebody before I said I was done.

You don't have to figure this out today. Take time to recover (heal) and do what's best for you.

My reco is to separate healing from the D/R decision.

Whether you D, R, or wait, you are the only one who can heal you. Your partner can help or hinder you (or play no part), but you choose the amount of healing you do. I hope SI helps you choose to do a lot of healing - the more you heal, the better your resolution will be.

Both R & D are full of pain. If you focus on healing, you will be able to bear the pain better than if you focus on the D/R decision. If you choose R while healing yourself, you will be able to handle both successful and false R.

Healing means, IMO, processing your anger, grief, fear, shame, etc. out of your body. That's harder to do than it looks because the trauma of being betrayed will trigger memories of every other trauma you've experienced, and you'll have to deal with those traumas, too. The thing is: the payoff of releasing pain is worth the effort.

At the same time, you'll do yourself a great service by not buying into your WS's pain. Your WS wants you to fix them - but like you, they're the only one who can change themself from cheater to good partner. Your H may be addicted to sex. If so, my heart goes out to him (and you) - but he's the only one who can manage himself. No one else controls him.

You describe yourself as a normal BS - at a month out, most of us don't know which wat is up. Understand that, accept that, and have faith in yourself to get grounded again. It will happen - probably within 3-6 months from d-day. I know that seems too long - but you've probably got several decades of life left. Believe me, a few months will seem like a very brief period in a few years. Now doesn't look like a good time to act. At some point in the not so distant future, you WILL know what you want and what is possible. That's the time to act.

Thank you all, every post is helpful and adds to my understanding. I've read all the target posts and saved some to my own doc for bolstering. The support and words here are amazing and I feel lucky to have SI.