SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So here's my story and why I am here. (Sorry, it’s a long read, but also therapeutic getting it off my chest!)

My wife and I had some issues back in 2016-2018. I was dealing with a mobile game addiction, and she was lonely. I honestly wasn't giving her the attention she deserved. She was also mad because she had to be in the ICU due to a blood clotting disorder and I wasn't there 24/7 to support her. In my defense, I was there as much as I often as I could be while taking care of a newborn, 2 year old, and juggling my job. (Kind of hard to bring small children into the ICU and I didn't have much support from family to watch the kids so I could go stay with her as often as I would like).

So this set the stage for her to go and start finding the attention she wanted. She started with attorneys that she worked for, she was snap chatting a married ex-boyfriend, and several others. She claims there was never anything physical, but you never really know.

She actually began to accuse me of cheating on her. I never did, however, I suppose I could be looked at as a cheater since I was spending 24/7 addicted to a large mobile game that had a lot of interaction with other people. I even went to the point of meeting up with some of these people in another city just to play a stupid mobile game.

She found out about me travelling and the floodgates opened (I hadn't told her where I traveled to). Everything in the world was now my fault. I was being verbally beaten down daily. There were threats of divorce etc and it was just not a good time mentally. I still loved my wife, and I will say she still loved me. We both wanted to work it out, but then her "other side" would come out.

She would become pretty aggressive sexually. Loud (verbally during the act), wanting to do things she had done with other partners, then she would belittle me during the act talking about previous partners etc. She would tell me her "body count", things that she had done sexually (things I really didn't care for), and it really took a LOT of self control not to just snap!

Well, things finally came to a head. As the saying goes, a "Whipped Puppy can only take so much abuse", that's what happened to me. (Caveat, at no time did I ever think of violence...that's not my way)

I came home from a late night show (I'm a musician), and she was home passed out on the bed. Laying next to her was her Cell Phone. It was actually unlocked for once. So, after all the abuse etc, I searched her cell phone. What I found amazed me.

My wife had been talking to multiple guys using WhatsAPP, Snap Chat, Facebook messenger, etc. Some of these conversations were pretty graphic including pictures. I also found out that she was going to be staying with one of these guys while on an upcoming business trip to New York. She had hooked up with this guy before we ever knew each other (orally), and she even told me about it during one of her "belittling" sessions during sex. (I assume trying to piss me off).

Well, her sexting etc had been going on a good year or 2 before I "cheated" on her and the "whipped puppy" finally found some empowerment (and some "balls") to do something about it.

My first thought was just flying up to New York and busting her while she was on her trip. That would have been fun. But the trip was 2 weeks away, and there was NO WAY emotionally I could last that long.

So, I sat her down and called her out on it. I told her exactly what I had found, what I was going to do about it, and pretty much got my self-confidence back in one fell swoop. We were finally able to have a real conversation and work some things out.

We both attended marriage counseling, I was able to ditch my gaming addiction, and we began to rebuild our trust. The only drawback is that our sex life became pretty boring and it just seemed like she was going through the motions. She got caught, and all of that changed. (This is important for later).

Fast forward a few years. Covid came and went, my wife lost her job, and then she started going on the road and helping me with my business. She lost her job due to have a Bi-Polar breakdown and entering an almost full depressive state. (Apparently, she was diagnosed before I knew her, had to move back from New York because of it, and I never knew about it).

I helped take care of her. I gave all of the emotional support I could muster, and I was there for her.

We were spending more time together than we had in years! I felt that I got my best friend back, and we had fully rebuilt the trust that was shattered previously.

Well, this past summer, my wife got a new job. (Which was the plan). She was going back to supporting her attorney with what she does (marketing).

Well, one day, I was home while she was having a video conference for work. She was talking to one of her male attorneys. He was being very upfront about some work related issues, trashing some other support staff, etc. After the call, I asked her who that was, and she told me it was just one of her attorneys. She told me that she did some work for him before when she lived in New York, and that I would probably really get along with this guy. I asked his name, and she told me. No problem

Until...this attorney's name rang a bell in the back of my mind. I realized this guy was on my "shit list" of people that she had been talking to in the past on one of her messaging apps. I think she even dated him before I knew her.

No big deal. I knew she would run across some people that she would know or even dated before I knew her. It's the nature of her business. But in the back of mind, my BS detector started going off.

So, for my piece of mind, I went and checked her cell phone records. I haven't done this, nor have I wanted to do this in quite a while (years). Lo, and behold, I see that she's been texting with him. Ok, you might say that she works with him, so that probably isn't that unusual. The problem is that she does work for 50+ attorneys and there is not a SINGLE case of her texting any of them. Hell, she isn't even texting or calling the people that work under her.

So, I decided to dive a little deeper. I checked her search history. And, wouldn't you know it, she keeps looking this guy up. Looking up an ex once or twice out of curiosity is one thing (hell, i've bumped into exes and done it). But multiple times over multiple weeks, especially when I wasn't home seemed really out of place.

So, I started to get a little cranky, and withdrawn from my wife. I realized (thanks to counseling) that this is not a healthy state to be in. So, I sat her down and confronted her. I explained that the guys name was on my "shit list", that I had some concerns, and that I noticed that she had been texting him. (She knows I can see who she is texting with, I pay the phone bill. She doesn't know I can see her search history etc).

She told me there was nothing to worry about, and that they were just colleagues and that she was doing a project for him. I asked her to please stop texting with him, and I pointed out that he was the only person that she was texting with at her new law firm. I told her that I was uncomfortable with it and obviously there were many other forms of communication through her law firm that she could follow (just like she does for the other 50+ lawyers and her support staff). She said she was done with that project and it would stop.

Fast forward a couple of weeks, and my wife informs me the she has to fly to New York for 4 days to run an event for her law firm. No worries. It’s part of her job. She does have to do that and has in the past.
Well, unfortunately, as soon as the flight was booked, the texts started up again with this lawyer. Of course, that got my radar going again. So, I checked her search history, and here we go again.
She started looking up this guy again, and started looking up his wife. She is now also looking up provocative clothing that she has never worn in the last 20 years I’ve known her. (Corsets, Certain Lingerie, Pencil Leather Miniskirts, etc). This is all intermingled with her looking up this guy.
She’s also looking up other things along the lines of "Men Taking Off Their Belts while Talking To You", "Is it appropriate for a man to adjust his belt in front of a female coworker", and other similar things (Men Flirting Body Language Stuff).
But to top it all off, immediately after I sat her down and had a chat about this, her overly aggressive sexual nature popped up and hasn’t stopped. The only thing missing was her belittling me

So I’m thinking my options are:

1.Follow her to New York and find out what’s going on. I’m personally NOT going to do this I probably wouldn’t handle it the right way. Plus, I would be out of my element.
2.Check her phone, look at her messaging apps etc. Again, hard to do, and I really don’t want to go this route unless absolutely necessary. I’m not in the same frame of mind that I was a few years ago.
3.Hire a PI in New York. Expensive, but might be worth it. I’ve never done that before.
4.Ask opinions from people who have been there that aren’t my marriage counselor. (Which is why I am here).
5.I could be overthinking everything, but my intuition says I’m not.
It really is starting to feel like it did the last time. I wanted to ask opinions of others who have been there. I’m starting to feel my trust slip, and it’s driving me nuts! I really want some peace of mind here.

So, after reading my novel, (sorry!), should I have concern?

I’d say worrying that you’re overreacting is one concern that you can safely put aside.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry you're here. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. The Healing Library has a ton of resources, including the list of acronyms we use.

You mention that she's bipolar. Is it possible that she needs to have her meds checked? Does this correlate to her manic phase? Not that it's an excuse to cheat.

I would be very suspicious of her behavior, too. Would the PI be less expensive that the flight to NY, hotels, etc? You may want to call a few and get some prices.

Sorry that you're dealing with this.

I think you know what she has planned. Have you checked credit cards to see if she’s purchased any of the items she looked up? Checked her drawers way in the back where she doesn’t think you’ll look? I can’t say for sure, but if you had a chance to review her texts to him I’ll bet he said he likes those items. Since you’ve said something already, she’s likely gone and deleted anything incriminating. I would ask to see the texts. If they’re deleted, you have your answer. If she refuses, you have your answer. If they are all there and there’s nothing concerning great. I don’t say this lightly at all especially since I’m the king of letting things go on for way too long. If she refuses or if all the texts are deleted I would tell her you’re filing for divorce and start a hard 180. I would insist she not go on the trip. This game has gone on long enough in my opinion.

Sex life - mine did this too. I think it’s a form of love bombing. I also think it has something to do with guilt.

My advice is do whatever you need to do to find out as much as you need to know. Yeah, that sounds like a bunch of double-talk...but what I mean is this. You already KNOW she is behaving in ways that you have talked about, told her you are not okay with, and she's doing it anyway. Disrespect? Check. You already know she has a history with this specific person. You know she's buying a bunch of stuff that really only apply to one thing - trying to make herself more attractive for someone other than you.

What else do you need to know to confirm your suspicions? What plausible explanations could she possibly have for this?

I thought I needed to know everything...but as it turned out once I knew several things I didn't really need to know more. So I think for you, you need to determine how much information do you need to make a decision about your marriage AND what do you think you want to do if you indeed conform your suspicions?

Putting a PLAN in place for me was the best thing that I did, and I wish I had done it sooner. Not because I knew what I was going to do, but because I had an option to leave IF I decided at some point that was the best course of action for me.

Maybe it’s time to recognize this marriage is just not a good fit for you. She’s toxic and clearly doesn’t care about your feelings. Otherwise the texting would not be occurring (to say the least).

She’s disrespected you and crossed boundaries.

I think you need to put yourself first.

Whether she cheats or not, you deserve better.

What I see much more than I see infidelity is a highly dysfunctional relationship.

I think admitting to that and then working at fixing that would be more important than possibly stopping what might be headed to an affair in NY.

I suggest you take a minute to contemplate what you want. Simply preventing her from going to NY and possibly having a physical affair won’t really change much, if she then returns to what you two are calling a "marriage". I think the key – and I would do this ASAP – is to:
a)Decide if YOU want this marriage. If yes, then realize that no matter how much YOU want it, she needs to want it too. You then both have to agree to what that marriage should be. If you realize you don’t want this marriage – start focusing on how to end it rather than on her possibly having an affair.
b)Ask her directly what she wants. Make it clear that what you two have now isn’t cutting it for you. Make it clear you have concerns about her trip and how she is acting. Make it clear that she CAN go and screw around, but that you will unavoidably learn about it and it would be a clear message that the marriage is over.
c)Then – once you and she are on the same page – be that page to divorce or to fix your marriage – you two create some action-plan to reach that goal.

I agree with Bigger. I'm posting to add:

Have the conversation now, as long before the NYC trip as possible. The sooner you raise the issues, the sonner you can resolve them and heal.

I'm sorry you're experiencing these painful actions. Alas, you can't heal unless you take action.