Feels like my wife is getting ready to cheat again (Sorry, Long read!)

So here's my story and why I am here. (Sorry, it’s a long read, but also therapeutic getting it off my chest!)

My wife and I had some issues back in 2016-2018. I was dealing with a mobile game addiction, and she was lonely. I honestly wasn't giving her the attention she deserved. She was also mad because she had to be in the ICU due to a blood clotting disorder and I wasn't there 24/7 to support her. In my defense, I was there as much as I often as I could be while taking care of a newborn, 2 year old, and juggling my job. (Kind of hard to bring small children into the ICU and I didn't have much support from family to watch the kids so I could go stay with her as often as I would like).

So this set the stage for her to go and start finding the attention she wanted. She started with attorneys that she worked for, she was snap chatting a married ex-boyfriend, and several others. She claims there was never anything physical, but you never really know.

She actually began to accuse me of cheating on her. I never did, however, I suppose I could be looked at as a cheater since I was spending 24/7 addicted to a large mobile game that had a lot of interaction with other people. I even went to the point of meeting up with some of these people in another city just to play a stupid mobile game.

She found out about me travelling and the floodgates opened (I hadn't told her where I traveled to). Everything in the world was now my fault. I was being verbally beaten down daily. There were threats of divorce etc and it was just not a good time mentally. I still loved my wife, and I will say she still loved me. We both wanted to work it out, but then her "other side" would come out.

She would become pretty aggressive sexually. Loud (verbally during the act), wanting to do things she had done with other partners, then she would belittle me during the act talking about previous partners etc. She would tell me her "body count", things that she had done sexually (things I really didn't care for), and it really took a LOT of self control not to just snap!

Well, things finally came to a head. As the saying goes, a "Whipped Puppy can only take so much abuse", that's what happened to me. (Caveat, at no time did I ever think of violence...that's not my way)

I came home from a late night show (I'm a musician), and she was home passed out on the bed. Laying next to her was her Cell Phone. It was actually unlocked for once. So, after all the abuse etc, I searched her cell phone. What I found amazed me.

My wife had been talking to multiple guys using WhatsAPP, Snap Chat, Facebook messenger, etc. Some of these conversations were pretty graphic including pictures. I also found out that she was going to be staying with one of these guys while on an upcoming business trip to New York. She had hooked up with this guy before we ever knew each other (orally), and she even told me about it during one of her "belittling" sessions during sex. (I assume trying to piss me off).

Well, her sexting etc had been going on a good year or 2 before I "cheated" on her and the "whipped puppy" finally found some empowerment (and some "balls") to do something about it.

My first thought was just flying up to New York and busting her while she was on her trip. That would have been fun. But the trip was 2 weeks away, and there was NO WAY emotionally I could last that long.

So, I sat her down and called her out on it. I told her exactly what I had found, what I was going to do about it, and pretty much got my self-confidence back in one fell swoop. We were finally able to have a real conversation and work some things out.

We both attended marriage counseling, I was able to ditch my gaming addiction, and we began to rebuild our trust. The only drawback is that our sex life became pretty boring and it just seemed like she was going through the motions. She got caught, and all of that changed. (This is important for later).

Fast forward a few years. Covid came and went, my wife lost her job, and then she started going on the road and helping me with my business. She lost her job due to have a Bi-Polar breakdown and entering an almost full depressive state. (Apparently, she was diagnosed before I knew her, had to move back from New York because of it, and I never knew about it).

I helped take care of her. I gave all of the emotional support I could muster, and I was there for her.

We were spending more time together than we had in years! I felt that I got my best friend back, and we had fully rebuilt the trust that was shattered previously.

Well, this past summer, my wife got a new job. (Which was the plan). She was going back to supporting her attorney with what she does (marketing).

Well, one day, I was home while she was having a video conference for work. She was talking to one of her male attorneys. He was being very upfront about some work related issues, trashing some other support staff, etc. After the call, I asked her who that was, and she told me it was just one of her attorneys. She told me that she did some work for him before when she lived in New York, and that I would probably really get along with this guy. I asked his name, and she told me. No problem

Until...this attorney's name rang a bell in the back of my mind. I realized this guy was on my "shit list" of people that she had been talking to in the past on one of her messaging apps. I think she even dated him before I knew her.

No big deal. I knew she would run across some people that she would know or even dated before I knew her. It's the nature of her business. But in the back of mind, my BS detector started going off.

So, for my piece of mind, I went and checked her cell phone records. I haven't done this, nor have I wanted to do this in quite a while (years). Lo, and behold, I see that she's been texting with him. Ok, you might say that she works with him, so that probably isn't that unusual. The problem is that she does work for 50+ attorneys and there is not a SINGLE case of her texting any of them. Hell, she isn't even texting or calling the people that work under her.

So, I decided to dive a little deeper. I checked her search history. And, wouldn't you know it, she keeps looking this guy up. Looking up an ex once or twice out of curiosity is one thing (hell, i've bumped into exes and done it). But multiple times over multiple weeks, especially when I wasn't home seemed really out of place.

So, I started to get a little cranky, and withdrawn from my wife. I realized (thanks to counseling) that this is not a healthy state to be in. So, I sat her down and confronted her. I explained that the guys name was on my "shit list", that I had some concerns, and that I noticed that she had been texting him. (She knows I can see who she is texting with, I pay the phone bill. She doesn't know I can see her search history etc).

She told me there was nothing to worry about, and that they were just colleagues and that she was doing a project for him. I asked her to please stop texting with him, and I pointed out that he was the only person that she was texting with at her new law firm. I told her that I was uncomfortable with it and obviously there were many other forms of communication through her law firm that she could follow (just like she does for the other 50+ lawyers and her support staff). She said she was done with that project and it would stop.

Fast forward a couple of weeks, and my wife informs me the she has to fly to New York for 4 days to run an event for her law firm. No worries. It’s part of her job. She does have to do that and has in the past.
Well, unfortunately, as soon as the flight was booked, the texts started up again with this lawyer. Of course, that got my radar going again. So, I checked her search history, and here we go again.
She started looking up this guy again, and started looking up his wife. She is now also looking up provocative clothing that she has never worn in the last 20 years I’ve known her. (Corsets, Certain Lingerie, Pencil Leather Miniskirts, etc). This is all intermingled with her looking up this guy.
She’s also looking up other things along the lines of "Men Taking Off Their Belts while Talking To You", "Is it appropriate for a man to adjust his belt in front of a female coworker", and other similar things (Men Flirting Body Language Stuff).
But to top it all off, immediately after I sat her down and had a chat about this, her overly aggressive sexual nature popped up and hasn’t stopped. The only thing missing was her belittling me

So I’m thinking my options are:

1.Follow her to New York and find out what’s going on. I’m personally NOT going to do this I probably wouldn’t handle it the right way. Plus, I would be out of my element.
2.Check her phone, look at her messaging apps etc. Again, hard to do, and I really don’t want to go this route unless absolutely necessary. I’m not in the same frame of mind that I was a few years ago.
3.Hire a PI in New York. Expensive, but might be worth it. I’ve never done that before.
4.Ask opinions from people who have been there that aren’t my marriage counselor. (Which is why I am here).
5.I could be overthinking everything, but my intuition says I’m not.
It really is starting to feel like it did the last time. I wanted to ask opinions of others who have been there. I’m starting to feel my trust slip, and it’s driving me nuts! I really want some peace of mind here.

So, after reading my novel, (sorry!), should I have concern?

7 comments posted: Tuesday, October 1st, 2024

Best academic articles for Hx ReWrite?

Hope everyone is finding some peace today.

Could anyone suggest the best academic/research articles describing the rewrite of marital history by a WW?

Or a book that is the gold standard as a reference?

Need it for court.
Thanks.

9 comments posted: Tuesday, May 28th, 2024

Stone-walling the truth. Am I nuts for wanting to know the whole story?

Just found out my Wife was having an affair for what She said was around 3 months. Our DDay was supposed to be our 20th Wedding Anniversary. I am leaning towards reconciliation right now, but I still haven't received the whole story.

I asked for the timeline of when it started.
I asked for the when, where, time of day, and day of the week.

Still no answers. She says they would hurt me, and that I wouldn't be able to handle it. Well, I have figured out how strong I am the last few weeks! Am I crazy for wanting to know those details? I want to know how long the lying has been going on. Looking through old texts between us, and looking at photos through her accounts - I believe it started earlier.

I believe if I finally get the truth I will be able to advance in my self-healing. I'm sick of falling down the "rabbit hole" everyday looking for information.

10 comments posted: Wednesday, May 1st, 2024

Cheating and Guts

Dear valuable members of this community,

I'm posting here because I don't know where to post this. I don't know if that counts as cheating but my guts say so.

So I'm in a relationship with my BF for 2 years now. Most of the time BF tries to be there for me and supports me. We never had a fight since we started this relationship. It is always steady and BF is my safe place to be when life is hard.

At the start of our relationship BF was seeing his ex still, but because of a reason: A DOG. They bought a dog together before things going bad for them and now BF still takes care of the dog once every week and sometimes more. His ex is living alone and doesn't have a BF. For these 2 years, I always saw this as 'okay-ish' since BF confirmed that he doesn't have any feelings left for her and he is only doing this because he feels guilty that they got a dog back in time. BF told me that he wants to keep taking care of the dog until his ex find someone that can take care of the dog & his ex.

We live seperately but we stay in each others places couple of days in a week. Recently, because of my issues at work, I started to seeing a therapist. I was talking about this issue with IC and IC suddenly told me that this actually bothers me alot. Because when I come to think about it, BF never let me be in his place when he needs to take care of the dog -every saturday. And if we are gonna see each other on saturday, its either going out for a dinner or BF coming to my place after his ex takes the dog from his place.

After talking with therapist, my therapist told me that BF might be still have feelings for his ex and he just don't want to even admit it to himself and thats why he acts the way that he takes care of the dog.

After talking about this, I realized some of BF behaviors are also weird since the beginning of our relationship. For instance, BF asked me if I would want to spice up the relationship with threesome when we are just at the beginning of the relationship - like 3-4 months -I think? And I said no, I would like to commit to one person. BF also talks about his ex-partners alot, almost every day BF tells me something about his exes. And these bother me alot, since we don't live together and we work in different places, I don't fully know what BF is busy with in a day and I started to feel like BF might be cheating on me with his ex because they text every day which I find very annoying. When I say this to BF, he says we are talking about our dog. Really? Every day you talk about a dog... That is odd.

What shall I do? A guidance is very appreciated.
Thanks.

7 comments posted: Tuesday, February 27th, 2024

Fun Friday game........ read this!

We're testing out a new posting-anonymously feature... if you can guess who I am, you might even get a prize! I mean, I can't promise a prize because that's really outside of the realm of my "power," but I can promise you'll at least be eligible for an "attaboy/girl/person" if you do! The catch is you have to 'fess up how you figured it out.

So... who am I?

Go!

17 comments posted: Saturday, October 2nd, 2021

New Feature: Anonymous

Upgraded members now have access to a new feature that will allow you to post a single topic anonymously on the forums. The anonymous topic will appear to be posted by the user "anonymous" and any subsequent posts by you on the topic will appear as "anonymous." Only one topic per user can be made anonymous. Once the topic has been archived your ability to post anonymously will again be available.

11 comments posted: Wednesday, August 18th, 2021