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We've had a pretty calm week or two here. My partner is actively working on all of the things he agreed to previously, he's started his new job so he's out of the house a lot during the day, I finished working on a work project that had been causing me some stress for the last few months because I was struggling to focus on it, I'm settling into my new job. The arguments have subsided now that he's agreed to do certain things to work on himself and is actively looking for a new music job. His gigs and time away is limited for now until the end of the year, which is when he's given his notice for.

But now that the arguments have stopped and the anger has died down and we're being 'nice' to each other again, I can feel that old sadness creeping back in. I think maybe the constant back and forth on what I wanted and expected from him generated so much anger and caused so much tension at home that I hadn't even thought about why we were actually having these arguments in the first place. I had barely thought about his ONS, barely thought about the OW, stopped checking his and her social media, the mind movies had stopped. Now that everything is calm again (for now), it's all I can think about again. Constantly checking her instagram, mind movies are relentless, I'm even dreaming about him cheating. We're not talking about it because I feel like there's nothing new to say, no new questions to ask, but I have that constant stream of questions again like 'did he enjoy it more with her?' 'did he prefer the way she did this?' 'does he like this the way she looks more than me?' and so on and on. It's becoming relentless. I'm trying to ignore it and continue being nice, because things are okay at the moment and I can see him actively doing the things he said he would do. It's also been a thought in my mind, even before the cheating, that he finds me boring, and I've wondered since he cheated if he only stays here because it's easier for him to do so. He has denied that many many times, but I still can't get rid of that thought.

I feel like by being nice, I'm letting him 'get away with it', even though the last few months have been hell for us both. I feel like I need to make him feel bad about it every now and then, to remind him what he did and that he should be grateful I'm still here.

I don't know if it's just because we're just at the start of him actually starting to do the bigger things that I've been asking for and I'm still cautious and pessimistic about whether he will keep that all up, or if it's normal at this stage to still be so sad about it.

Triggers seem worse and more often, like literally everything makes me think about it.

I know I'm supposed to be focusing on myself, and I'm trying, and I find I have a little more time now that he has a new job and is out of the house most days, the kids are back at school after their summer break, I've finished the big project I was working on, my new jobs is longer shifts just two or three days a week so I have time off when the kids are at school. I'm just feeling a bit like 'what do I do now?'

I have stuff I want to do. I started writing a book last year, ditched it after DDay because I couldn't concentrate on anything and was keeping myself so busy that I was burnt out. I couldn't even remember what I wrote. I re-read it yesterday for the first time in months and was thrilled to find that I was actually enjoying what I had written and I am excited to get back to it, but I just feel a bit flat now. Like, I don't know how to even begin letting go of everything that just happened, and honestly, I don't want to. I don't want him to ever forget what he did.

I'm glad the anger has gone for now, but I feel like it was driving me to keep doing things, and the sadness that's come back is doing the opposite, it's just making me want to hide in my bed for a while.

Just wondering how others managed to keep doing things for themselves when they were feeling flat and unmotivated and just sad about it all?

I know I'm supposed to be focusing on myself, and I'm trying

I’m sorry you are struggling. The progression you describe makes a lot of sense. You found your anger and your voice (well done, btw!), you made your needs known, and that was good. But there are many stages to this and there is no authentic running from the sadness of intimate betrayal. It really does take years, even if everything goes well. And please don’t pile on yourself in feeling bad about not focusing on yourself well enough, that will not help you at all. Your brain is injured, much of what you are experiencing is involuntary. Nudge your life daily towards what you know brings you joy, your book sounds like a wonderful example. I understand the difficulty focusing for something like that, but maybe just write a bit a day, or even just brainstorm ideas and write them down. Just something to stoke the spark of your soul with no self judgments of how much you accomplish. Like a crash victim in rehab, just accept where you are and celebrate little progress.

You might be far enough along to read "How Can I Forgive You" by Janis Spring.

She has some really good thoughts on earned forgiveness, and how allowing a good relationship to be built between you and the offender is not accepting, condoning, or "letting them get away" with their bad actions.

This book is not for people just starting the journey on R, but I really understand where you are coming from.

Unfortunately, the reality of the matter is that cheating is just ridiculously unfair. The repercussions of it are felt in more enormity by the BS, even if there are some social implications for the WS. There is no civil, criminal, or other penalty for cheating anymore in most jurisdictions. If you choose R, to some degree, you have to live with the unfairness. This is often called "eating the shit sandwich" around here, and yeah, it sucks.

As for how to deal with lack of motivation related to personal goals, I suggest regiment. It's much easier to "just do" whatever it is you are trying to do if instead of being "motivated/inspired" to do it. I have to set time aside to actually do it. Consistency is more important than intensity. If you want to write a book, set aside an hour every day (or whatever fits in your schedule) to do that. Then at that time, do it.

To be totally honest, you will have more bad days than good, but by just keeping at it, you are much more likely to finish than if you wait until you feel internally motivated to do it again. This is basically what I do with exercise, language learning, and other projects (no current projects underway, TBH). I say "From now until [finish date], I will do [activity] during [time slot on selected days]". More days than not, I'm running slower than I would like, struggling more than I would like, etc. But it's far better than not doing it at all. "I'll just work on it, in my spare time, when I feel like it" is a slow road to nowhere, even if each individual session feels like a triumph. You just won't have done it enough. I'm not suggesting you turn your free time into "work" but if you want to do something substantive with your time you have to do that thing consistently whether or not you want to do that thing in the moment.

Like a crash victim in rehab, just accept where you are and celebrate little progress.

Thank you for that reminder. I’m incredibly impatient and go between ‘this is the worst thing ever’ and ‘everything is fine’. I struggle with accepting this in between bit.

This0is0Fine - thanks for the book rec, I’ll look that up.

I really do struggle with the unfairness of it all. I want him to do better but then when he does better and seems a little happier I’m like no you don’t get to be happy and settled yet because I’m not happy or settled and it’s because of you.

I’ve added writing time into my schedule for the next couple of weeks around my work shifts and I’ve been getting up early to do yoga every morning while everyone is still asleep the last few days which has been nice and peaceful. Hopefully these little steps will help more over time.

It is wildly unfair, there is no getting around that. But there is no use in getting hung up on that, not when there is so much healing needed.

but I have that constant stream of questions again like 'did he enjoy it more with her?' 'did he prefer the way she did this?' 'does he like this the way she looks more than me?' and so on and on.

DDay for me was 14 years ago and, strangely, I didn't have this problem for a few years, but I do have it now, quite badly. I think it may be connected with the fact my WS has suggested we resume our sex life, and I'm anticipating that we'll go back to our old ways of lacklustre sex which she'll treat as one of her less onerous chores, in contrast to the wild and exciting sex she had with her AP.

It's very difficult to get these details out of your mind when you're still with your WS. It's like a price we pay for our loyalty, which seems so unfair - but there it is.

My philosophy (which won't be helpful to all) is that no-one has a right to be happy, but everyone has the right to do things which are likely to lesson pain and at least to move towards happiness. That's what I try to do, but it's a daily battle. My WS doesn't understand this. I doubt she even knows.