SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This topic gets me riled up. Yes I have anger toward the OW and yes I have every right to that anger.

Sure, she wasn't married to me and didn't break any vows to me, but she still broke a social contract. She knowingly pursued another woman's husband, actively tried to pull him away from his children, she caused me enormous pain.

She played a part, and I am angry at her for that part. What she did to me, I could never do to another woman. For that lack of compassion towards another human, I'm angry.

DITTO. 100% this. People make the mistake of thinking that anger is a "bad" emotion and that they're somehow more evolved if they're only angry at the WS. Anger is a normal response to someone harming you. I'm not any less angry at the thief for trying to rob me blind just because my WS opened the door to her and said "Come on in."

AP broke girl code. And the AP in my case was a BS herself. She knew better. She knew the pain. She knew what she was doing. She even cried to my H about being a homewrecker. Selfish tw*t. (Insert whichever vowel you prefer.)

I’m sort of confused why some people seem to be bothered by those of us who are angry at the AP (for all the reasons described above). Most people who are angry at AP are also pretty clear they still also blame their spouse. So what gives? What’s wrong with hating the AP?

I’m sort of confused why some people seem to be bothered by those of us who are angry at the AP (for all the reasons described above). Most people who are angry at AP are also pretty clear they still also blame their spouse. So what gives? What’s wrong with hating the AP?

I’m not sure I read anyone saying that being angry with AP is wrong. My message may have been as close to that as anything, saying my anger for him faded with it shifting to my wife. That was my experience, but that doesn’t project judgment on anyone else’s.

I certainly agree that a knowing AP is violating a social contract and being a dirtbag. I just don’t feel the hate for the dipshit like I used to. It used to burn HOT. Now he’s irrelevant to me, and for me that coincided with me accepting my wife’s responsibility.

For a long time I hated his AP's especially the MOW. Now I just feel sorry for them. Not only did they not end up with my xWS, but dealt with the uncomfortable fallout. All of us did. Today I harbor no ill will towards any of them. My xWS was a master manipulator and good talker He had no boundaries and neither did they.

Now I did hate my xWS as much as the AP's if not more. I still harbor hate for him not sure when that will go away. It's more of a resentment I feel for all the pain he put me through and the way he treated me throughout the M. The fact he had absolutely no remorse or empathy for me was mind boggling. I am working on letting it all go so that I can enjoy my life which is now free of AP's and xWS.

I hate his AP as much as I hate him for what he did to the kids and I. I don’t think I will ever not hate her but I hope one day it will grow to indifference but I’m sure that will take years and I’m ok with that because guess what? I will probably hate my H longer.

Yes he made the vows, he broke those vows, he almost destroyed our kids lives and still could but she also knew he was married and tried very hard to be like me and knew he was weak (still his fault) but she’s a shitty human being that brought him drugs because she was so unattractive and had nothing else to offer so she chased him hard and she needed those ego boosts as much as him, both equally disgusting.

He has piss poor boundaries and I will forever blame him for that but she is and will always be trash in my eyes. My H is getting what he deserves right now for hurting us and he is paying the price, dearly. I only hope she gets hit by the karma bus as well because only a crappy person sleeps with a married man. She can rot.

Let me add I see him growing as a person and a husband/father so maybe that is why I hate her so much? All I know about her is she slept with a married man , did drugs, left her kids at home alone , and got naked in the middle of the woods off a main road. I will forever only know her as that woman.

I will forever only know her as that woman.

I will forever see the AP as an opportunistic hot mess who manipulated men because she wanted someone to take care of her, and who happened to do so at my expense. I know she didn't set out to hurt me. That was a byproduct. Yes, of course, my H was the one who opened the door, but she didn't have to walk through it. She could have tracked me down - it wouldn't have been difficult - and said "Hey, come get your man." Instead she agreed to be his F-buddy, and then put her partner poacher pants on and went to work. Ergo, she was, for that time at least, a shitty human. I mostly feel sorry for her for being so dysfunctional and I don't wish her harm, but I don't have it in me to wish her well either.

Now he’s irrelevant to me, and for me that coincided with me accepting my wife’s responsibility.

I fully, 100% accept my H's responsibility in this. I never DIDN'T blame him the most. But, and maybe we can blame it on my ascendant sign being Libra, fairness is my driving force. She was a willing participant in causing harm to a fellow human, she never owned it or apologized to me though I was at all turns kind to her even as she was still trying to poach my husband, and I just don't feel the need to cultivate neutral thoughts about her. Also, I got "permission" from my MC to stay mad, and was told that, yes, I am a better person than she is. By a professional.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 10:06 PM, Tuesday, September 24th]

4 days after I discovered the affair I had a 20 minute face-to-face conversation with the man. When I introduced myself he put his hand out and said I owe you an apology but I just waved it off and said I'm not here for an apology. I wasn't angry I wasn't upset, I was just absolutely empty.

I guess I view him and her same way. From what I know he fired the first shot but she accepted it so they are both equally bad in that respect.

This is not the first time he's done this according to his wife. She told me he started therapy and maybe it's sincere but it could be his way of keeping her from leaving him and taking the kids

I know I would be justified being angry at him but I just don't see how I benefit from that. I just feel ambivalent

6 years out and I still think she is a subpar human. She pretended to be my friend. 🙄 and yes, my husband is every bit as guilty. For my husband he was attention seeking and she meant nothing to him more than that. She actively wanted my life. Both equally wrong, but for another married woman to try and break up a family with children I find I unforgivable. Double standard? Maybe so, but feelings are never rational after the shit show. I don’t waste energy on hating her, but if I were to learn she came down with leaking colon cancer I might go out and celebrate. I fully expect her husband who stayed knowing he was second choice to feel the same of my husband.

I didn’t have anything left for the AP. I was too focused on my WW and family, and, in hindsight, that’s exactly where my attention should have been.

My buds were actively hatching revenge plots, but I was just too distracted-preoccupied with how-in-the-absolute …k could this have happened??

The guy was an opportunistic infection, ubiquitous in the environment, ever present, and usually no threat to an otherwise healthy host. If it wasn’t him, it could have been countless other bottom feeders who had to do no more, be no more than, in proximity and available.

In the scheme of things, he is irrelevant. No I don’t hate him, it’s something worse than hate, it is indifference.

It is my spouse who I hold accountable. He didn’t hurt me, she did.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 4:30 AM, Wednesday, September 25th]

In some cases, I think the AP is worse than the WS. There were two single APs, in my WH's case, who I would say are worse than he is. Why? Because they were purely malicious. They wanted... set out... were intent to destroy my family and they were giddy over the opportunity to watch the fallout after DDay. My H betrayed me, of course, but he didn't do it to hurt me. Sure, he knew that could be a byproduct of getting caught, but he never thought he would get caught.

The APs did it--specifically--to hurt me. They clearly spent their entire As hoping and wishing and praying I would find out. I didn't know either of them, but they got off on the pain they hoped to cause me and eventually succeeded in causing me. They left social media breadcrumbs throughout the months or years, which I didn't notice until after DDay. And when I contacted them, initially believing my H's original, very mild, very false version of events, rather than tell me the truth, they dropped a boatload of breadcrumbs and waited with bated breath for me to realize what was actually happening. No human with an ounce of empathy could do these things.

I, of course, blame my H for everything he did, including bringing these women into our lives. But the APs are two-dimensional villains. No apology or remorse or changes or introspection or anything that could make them human. The only emotion they've ever shown is anger in that they didn't succeed in breaking up a family.

The married APs, on the other hand, I rarely think about, because it was clear they were after the same ego kibble my H was going for and did not intend to break us up and did not engage specifically to harm my children and me. When I contacted each of them after DDay, they either denied everything (with obvious fear of their husbands finding out) or ignored me completely. The single APs, the "bad" ones, could not wait to talk to me and enjoyed every moment of it--until I let slip things that upset them, such as that they weren't the only AP and my husband was going full "Kobe Bryant buying his wife a gigantic diamond ring" to try to save our M. After that, they were upset and tried to contact my H immediately, because, malicious.

In my view, only the person (or people, eg children) who is affected by the situation gets to determine who deserves the blame and how they react to the A. If a victim of infidelity blames only the WS, that's their choice; if a victim blames only the AP, that's their choice; if a victim blames both equally, that's their choice; if a victim blames no one and spends their days dancing mindlessly through fields, that's their choice. I don't believe anyone is right or wrong in where they lay blame nor should they have to endure outside opinions for crimes that only harm them. I may not feel the same way they do, but I will never judge.

[This message edited by Revenger at 5:49 AM, Wednesday, September 25th]

Hello crew, if my post came off as judgemental towards those that hate the AP that is not at all the case. My experience was nearly identical to ink hulks. I think APs are shit stain cowards and I guess I hold a little less contempt towards those that are not married. One poster said they wouldn't piss on the AP if they were on fire, idk that I would either. He just holds no space in my head and for that I'm grateful. The take away from my experience is that my anger and rage were misdirected for a while. The mother of my children chose not only to cheat, but to cheat with 4 other married men. That angers me even more - of course in the begging I only knew of the Dday AP. That angers me even more - why not just find some single guy. I will never understand that level of shit stained cowardness. Then again we had a good marriage and family, I was massively blindsided.

A post like this is so helpful to me, because I hate the AP with an intensity I didn't even know existed. So I feel less alone in that reading other people's words.

But beyond that, I kind of see the fighter in some members reading posts like this. That anger is a bit riled up. And in my case, one of my biggest hangups is the unjust nature of how it looks to me like AP got off Scott free to go live his happy life after destroying mine, my children's stable family, and my WW's, granted it was with her complete willing, enthusiastic complicity. But reading some of the BW's in here in particular, its not just broken pain but there's a lot of fire in your veins too. It shows when discussing AP (and in other places discussing your WH's). And reading that fire reminds me that it only appears to me he got off Scott free. I don't know his life. I can only hope one of you in here is actually OBS to my WW's AP. Because if he's dealing with that kind of fire from his BS, he is living with consequences, just like my WW, just like he should. Thank you, dear ladies, for reminding me that "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned". It's so encouraging to read and hear of that side of strength and power in a betrayed wife.

I vehemently hate the AP. He was one of my best friends and betrayed that friendship in the most evil way possible.

That doesn't mean I don't blame my WS for her betrayal, but atleast I can confront her with it. The AP never reached out, apologised or took any responsibility towards me. He doesn't have the guts to own up to his behavior.

He had a choice to not be a complete self centered ******* and chase after the wife of his long time friend, but he chose to be just that. He chose to do that while having his own family. He chose to "strenghten" our 'friendship" while secretly meeting with the mother of my children.

I hate him for his part of the affair, I hate him for betraying me as a friend and I hate him for putting his own needs infront of everyone else. And I especially hate him for not having the guts to reach out.

[This message edited by Lupulus at 1:25 PM, Wednesday, September 25th]

Mine is a double betrayal and she new we were married. At first, I hated her because of the A. As I had time to start processing through all of the pain, I realized that she wasn't the problem. My XWH should have had better boundaries and he could have said NO at any time - but he didn't. She wasn't really the problem, he was.

Great thread!!! Great posts!!!!

I stand with the team "I hate AP", although I have somewhat conditioned my brain to mitigate this atrocious feeling, because you know, there is this biblical idea, that affected the upbringing of many of us, that we shouldn't hate, we should forgive etc. A part of me wants to comply with this, and another part, interestingly the more mature part, that is not religious, hates her guts 😁. I Harbor immense hate and rage for her from time to time. And I know that my hate looks, and maybe is, somewhat misplaced. When we are wronged we want the consequences to fall to everyone that hurt us, and she surely gets to go away scott free. Because hubby is having the consequences right in his house. He confessed and had to accept the wave of rage thrust upon him by me.
But what about her? What about this woman, who is my age, who was the AP in my marriage 3 years ago, and the ww in her own marriage 6 years ago? Her husband divorced her. And what did she learn? Nothing.... I have said, in another post, that me and her, share many common characteristics but she lacks one crucial one: Depth. I don't know her, but you cannot be 40+ doing those things and claiming that you are something more than a "flat" person. But she reads a lot of books, or she wanted to make wh to think that she does, and got lost in the parts, I guess, where an affair is described as something invaluable.
And during and after all that shit show, we, the BSs, we become the fools. And then she dissappears, and wh says she is unimportant, but you imagine her, in her house, sitting and thinking that you are a doormat for accepting something like that..for taking him back. You imagine her saying "if she only knew", because of course you don't know everything... I mean the depth of the betrayal is tangible. And you hate her. Because she has an opinion about you and your life. Aaaaand you hate wh for giving that power to a complete stranger... To an unimportant person...

I think if we were to make a statistical analysis of the posts here, most of us who say that we hate the AP are not divorced. I think that maybe the ones who chose to divorce, make their ws somewhat more irrelevant to their lives, and so, the respective APs, become totally irrelevant. They get also the chance to witness firsthand that, usually, there is no reconnection between ap and ws, even after a divorce.

For me, having stayed here, I fight with the notion of consequences for wh and for ap. I ve fought with doubts as far as it concerns my wh feelings, whether what he had with her was much more than what we have etc etc...but I stayed here, because he is not a serial cheater, and he was my knight in shining armor for 15 years. So I have good things and a good foundation to build something from that. To give another shot.... And it is a last shot for us.

So, I still become infuriated when I think of her. Because I don't know her and she didn't know me, and still she didn't even had a woman to woman respect. Everything in her life revolves around her p*****. So I have wished for her to gain 80 pounds.... And other times, to find someone to love and to have a taste of her own medicine ...

[This message edited by Phosphorescent at 3:29 PM, Wednesday, September 25th]

I do hate the first AP and make no apologies for it. She tried to get him to divorce me, catfished him (she was probably 300 lbs and never shared photos of herself), creepily tracked my periods (he shared our pregnancy struggles with her), talked about lovingly being a mother to my son, etc. Yeah, I hate the b*. I hope the karma bus hits her hard.

He’s guilty of course and should have protected our marriage, that’s on him, but she was so manipulative and gross. I was able to read a lot of their conversations and this woman was just something else.

The others I’ll never think kindly of them. They deserve my disgust.

It’s weird, im completely indifferent to the XW and AP, been that way for 20 years now. However! Since that stupid bastard is older than me and probably still way out of shape, unless something happens to me, he’s definitely going first. I would be lying if I said desecrating his grave wouldn’t be a nice cherry on top.

Yeah, I hate her with a vengeance. Why? because we knew each other, we weren't friends but we had met several times and she'd always said what a wonderful couple she thought we were then when her own M went to shits and she divorced my WH and our teenage kids even went and helped her and her kids move (along with many others from their mutual workplace because everyone felt so sorry for her ).

Couple of months after that she from nowhere walks up to WH drunk at an office party and kisses him before leaving without a word. So she also took the first step. According to him (I'm obviously not trusting this 100%) he was completely baffled and shocked but then she started texting him, apologising about being so inappropriate, asking if he was angry with her etc etc. and that's where it all started. He felt intrigued, flattered etc and they were off to the races .

As I came over their entire chat history I also found that the level of manipulation from her side was wild. He tried to end it several times and every time she would step things up a notch. First time he tried to end it she sent boob pics. Second time he tried to end it she actually wrote him that she had almost been run over by a car and thought it would be best for everyone if she just died, but then she realised she didn't want to die before having made love to him (well that never happened so I guess she'll have to die without that). Third time he tried to end it she performed sexual act he'd said was a fantasy of his he'd never done or asked anyone for (not intercourse as they never got around to that before I caught them, I'm sure they would have soon but a very specific kind of BJ ).

She tried to make him leave me, punishing and sulking for days and weeks when he told her he wasn't willing to divorce etc. She really went out knowingly after him, and kept going after him again and again. So yeah. I hate her with a vengeance and hope someone hurts her as much as she has hurt us some day.

Do I blame her more than WH though? no. He's the one that's married, who betrayed me, her and I had no vows, but obviously since we knew each other for years and she knowingly went after him she is not blameless at all. Also her having just gone through the pain of the breaking up of a long marriage I can mot forgive her for trying to break up mine to sooth her own pain.

[This message edited by Miserylikescompany at 9:41 AM, Thursday, September 26th]

When it happened 8 years ago I didn't. Now, rereading her messages to me, (I was so naive and nice) I really hope Karma is real and that she feels pain. Yes I hate her now.

I am still not sure if the emotional affair partner was real or a scammer - hoping to get cash. The AP was on another continent and only obscured photos, bizarre social media (and several social media on same platform) with no true family or friends just online people. A few VMs but no real content and voice changers/computer programmes are amazing now.

This shows it’s not the scintillating, sexy, stunner that a cheat is attracted to its just the fact they are willing to engage with a married person. Most people aren’t daft enough to fall for the nonsense I read. And sadly seeing that creepy side of a loved one is nasty.

They declared their love and soulmate status. I totally agree they were soulmates.

She, he, it doesn’t really bother me now. It’s the character traits of the man I married that bothers me.