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and your spouse. If I despise my wife's AP shouldn't I despise my wife as well? Both are equally guilty. Both made the decision to engage in unethical activity.

I know I will never be friends with her AP but I don't hate him.

No one forced anyone to have an affair

The OW was younger and single. She knew he was married. She tried desperately to get my H to D me.

It almost worked too.

I know my H is to blame. She claims he approached her — but whatever. They are both at fault for their actions.

Do I hate the OW? No.

But now that she’s married I hope that someone comes along one day and does the same thing to her that she did to me.

Even her own family was disgusted by her behavior.

Same as the 1stWife, WH AP was 20 years younger and knew he had a wife and kids. Didn’t stop sending nudes to him after a bit of flirting and sexual banter.

I actually do hate her, well people like her. If you purposely know you are choosing to cause after a married man (or woman) then you are an awful person in my eyes.

I also have a lot of hate for my WH and what he did as well though. My hate is not mutually exclusive. I have plenty to share around 😂😂😂

The AP is just a broken actor in the equation of your betrayal. As many have said the AP could have been anyone broken enough to do the same shit your wife did. The only thing the AP typically has over any of the betrayed is they are new. It's actually quite disgusting if your healthy. Trust, loyalty, and love are the only really important currency in a life partner. Combine that many years of history, overcoming obstacles together, creating life together, and building together is so much more attractive than new. The problem with alot of cheaters is that they are not really builders or they are certainly no longer builders. I used to be so steamed about my exes AP. More so because he felt it was safe for him to harm me, it certainly wasn't but we live in a society that protects cowards and further harming my life to show him it was unsafe is pointless and reckless. So I let go of all that fairly quickly. Just see them for the shit stain they are. Her AP no longer entertains any of my thoughts. That's the truth.

I am almost 1 year divorced, to clarify I have been fully separated and filed for divorce a year ago which was finalized in Feb 24. So I have been living divorced for a yr.

I have found that any ounce of anger or hate I had for the AP which in the early stages was much greater than that for my ex wife, is now reflected upon her. The reality is that the AP could really do nothing to harm your marriage if you were married to a quality person. A person who cherished the real intimacy and currency of marriage- trust, loyalty, and love. Love can be given freely and in many ways - trust and loyalty are built by builders.

Builders do not brake their marital vowes, they do not harm the parent of their children, they do not overlook the pain and destruction that can wreck their family and the innocence of their children. It doesn't mean that builders are perfect partners or agents for their families, but there are fundamental values they follow.

Amigo your asking a question you already know the answer to. Your pain and anger are misdirected. Unless the AP was a family member, friend, or someone who vowed some kind of trust and loyalty to you, IMO with some work you can remove them from the equation of anger and grief pretty quickly. It's okay to not care for shit stain cowards, but they walk amongst us and if or when they get their comeuppance you can either not care or crack your favorite beverage with a slight smile.

The AP did not destroy your marriage or hurt family, they were just a willing participant in your wife's choice to cheat.

The AP did not destroy your marriage or hurt family, they were just a willing participant in your wife's choice to cheat.

And there it is. Being that they had zero issue inserting themselves into our relationships, that gives me the option to hate...or not hate...on them as much as I choose. Their personal gains were worth more to them than any damage they were responsible for inflicting on us. Whether it be 'sisterhood' or the 'bro-code', their lack of human decency had a direct impact on us. That leaves them open to however we choose to deal with them....regardless of how we choose to deal with our cheating partner.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 11:56 PM, Wednesday, October 2nd]

Yea, I fucking hate him. He was a friend. So double betrayal for me. I wouldn’t waste the saliva to spit on him.

Edit: just to clarify, I don’t spend countless hours dwelling on him. I know compared to me he’s less than nothing. No honor, no integrity, no morals. He’s a broken individual (not gonna say man because he’s not). Just making it clear that I have chosen to no longer associate with him or his business. I’ve taken the stance that I don’t need unworthy people in my life anymore and I simply write them out of my world.

[This message edited by Copingmybest at 11:32 AM, Tuesday, September 24th]

My therapist asked me this a long time ago. I don’t hate AP. After all, she was the one who reached out and let me know what had been going on. I knew WH was cheating but I couldn’t find solid proof, and she provided irrefutable proof. My hate was directed at WH for blowing up our marriage, which we are trying to piece back together. That said, there were times I was insanely jealous of her good looks and youth (this coming from someone who has been comfortable with the aging process until I learned WH was banging someone 20 years younger).

Of course when someone first finds out their significant other has cheated, you're going to hate the AP. After the rage burned out, I began to see it was her and not him that cheated.

Solidly in the camp of "Don't hate the AP". He didn't vow to me to Forsake all others, she did. I said before if I ran in to him today, I'd give him a High Five and buy him a beer. Married only a couple of years when it was exposed. Life was simple back then, which helped.

He helped expose her to what she was as still probably is. Saved me from a long sorrowful journey.

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest his crotch.

My husband cheated with an AP who was older than him. Not younger.
In his words: "not a trophy". And following D day, he left me to live with her.

This woman knew exactly what emotional and physical buttons to push to hold him. She was experienced in life, a widow-single, no children, successful in a high end career, financially quite well off, retired and an extrovert. A heavy, heavy drinker like my husband at the time.

I did meet her. I know her.

In looking back, I can now understand how they both manipulated one another under the guise of "I love you’s" during the actual affair including the time they lived together when he and I had separated.

My feelings today, not from the past, are amicable and caring for my husband. I do not forgive my husband for his past behaviours towards me. I do not forget. But it no longer matters for six years into R, our relationship has many ups and downs but we committed to ourselves and one another to stay the course. Unless my boundaries get crossed.

However today, for the fAP, I simply and whole heartedly wish her "what goes around comes around". I know she’s had heartaches in her past. Too bad. I have no empathy nor sympathy for her. I still want to punch her in the nose. Not because she"stole" my husband, but because she also lied and cheated under my nose. To me that is unforgivable and I’m ok with that. Maybe a bit of revenge on my part.

This shows me what I value in my life: honesty and transparency. If you don’t enjoy your life anymore, tell me. Don’t go skulking around in secrecy, because you are unhappy. Ditto for the fAP. Tell me if you want to attach to my husband, just tell me. Don't hide.

From what I read in this forum, the blame rests on the shoulders of the cheater and generalizing, the AP is only the accomplice, the willing partner so perhaps less to blame then. Both were broken people etc. etc. Yes there is truth in that.

However, I don’t see it that way. Yes, my husband wooed her and got her, but she in turn, wooed him and got him. They both knew exactly what they were doing in full secrecy, behind my back. I believe in my case, they both shoulder full blame on the cheating. Equal partners.

So my feelings differ for my f cheating spouse and for his fAP today, six years into R.

P.S. I would never physically punch her in the nose though.

I didn't know the AP and had zero investment in a relationship with her.

I had a big investment in my H. 16 years of marriage, two children, a house, etc. She tried to poach that from me, and she almost succeeded. My H owned his stuff, apologized, made amends, and still works to be a better human. Does she? I don't know, and I really don't care. If she were to apologize to me, maybe I'd feel differently. Until then, though, she can get bent.

There's a thread in JFO called 'Honey, They ALWAYS affair down.' Anyone who considers R needs to consider that the ap affaired down with one's WS. During the A, one's WS was among the dregs of society, and the BS needs toa ccept that.

As for the ap, I don't actively hater her, but if if I saw her on fire, I wouldn't even try to piss on her. I'd need some therapy to forgive her. It's not worth the effort.

I agree with SacredSoul33, although in my case I did know the AP. I don't like her. She can pound sand. If she does express remorse and try to make amends and become a better person, I might feel differently.

However, I would take it even further. I feel the same way SacredSoul33 does about her WH and AP and every other AP and WS. If they are not remorseful and continue hurting partners and families, I don't like them. Marriage is a social construct among other things. Knowingly hurting others and breaking up marriages and families is bad. Making amends and becoming a better person is good.

I'm not sure if it's social media or a change in social values. I often read others saying that it's not a problem or concern if they break up a marriage or family. They would owe nothing to the OW/OM or their family. Yet, the same people rage at people who don't return the grocery cart to the proper place or use a turn signal.

I do not hate the AP, he was stranger so I didn’t know him. He reached out to me after Dday and apologized, said he would never have any further contact with my W.

I found out he was D BH and was involved in a M recovery group in his church. He started attending after his WW’s betrayal and D. He later became the leader of group while having an A with my WW. I contacted the Pastor and he was removed from the group.

There is all kinds of evil outside our 4 walls. We take steps to protect our families from it. When the number one person that is supposed to have your back opens that door and sneaks them in, all the blame belongs on the spouse. The gatekeeper to the M let the evil in to harm the family.

For awhile, I didn't think of her at all. He was the one who hurt me. He got all my anger.

Then,the day after my daughter turned 18, the bitch sent her screenshots of her conversation with my husband, and also gave her intimate details about the affair.

Now..if she were dying of a horrible disease, I'd throw a party.

Fuck with my husband..that's on him. Fuck with my kid, hurting her, and causing her truama..and I'm going to come for you.

It's been years. She stalks me. ME. She even posted here, pretending to be an abused WW. Once she claimed to be hiding in a room,with her kids, while he raged on the other side of the door. Lol. People ate it up. Her husband was on the other side of the country on business. I know for a fact because I called him,and he sent me a picture of him at a particular event,so clearly he was not raging in the other room.

She has a long arrest record of abuse on her husband and children.

Anyhoo...I've been given a gift. Another BW sent me some info on ow. If this comes out, her entire world will collapse. Trust that,one day, I will make it very public.

I will dance to her sobs.

FTB

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:42 PM, Tuesday, September 24th]

I have mixed feelings about the AP.

I don’t blame her and she didn’t know he had a partner and kids. It was a ONS, she was in her early twenties and just looking for fun I guess. As far as I know, she instigated it and he didn’t say no. The blame is all on him.

However, a lot of my anger in the earlier days of trying to fix my relationship was directed at her. I was trying to be civil and move forward in a more positive manner with my WS, so all of my anger went her way instead. I stalked her insta for a while, thought about messaging her boss to tell them she has been sleeping with clients (she was their tour rep), but I talked myself down from it every time and haven’t thought about that for a while now.

What did get to me was when I reached out to her to make sure I had the truth, she flat out refused to communicate with me and said I was ‘bothering’ her and then blocked me. She even threatened to sue after I sent her only one message I was angry with her reaction. I would have thought if I had been in her position, I would have felt so bad and been completely open in answering questions.

I still don’t know if she reacted like that because she was embarrassed or felt bad or was angry that he hadn’t told her he had a partner or if she just literally didn’t care. It’s not like she wanted a relationship with him, he was in the country for one night and then leaving the next day.

I tried to convince myself she was just embarrassed and felt bad and that’s why she didn’t want to participate in any conversations with me but I don’t know. I tried to see it from her pov and remind myself that she was young and it might be immaturity. My anger with her has faded over time, and it was more about how she spoke to me after than what she actually did.

In my case, all the blame was on my partner but I just needed an outlet for my anger that didn’t make my living situation more hell than it already was at the time.

There was a contributor to an earlier thread on this very same perennial subject, perhaps two.or more years ago who wrote that he would gladly piss on the grave of his WW's deceased AP if he had the opportunity. This is the level.of deep animosity I still feel towards my own WW's affair partner,also deceased,who was a married man father of three children, a medical.professional with glowing accolades about his " bedside manner", a pillar of the community, and trusted advisor to the.minister of his church who taught Bible study and conducted marriage counseling classes. The off the charts level of cognitive dissonance required to lead a double life where you give yourself permission to pursue an endless string of single and married women for the sole purpose of sexual gratification while purporting to be such a paragon of rectitude makes my head ache just thinking about it.
So yes. I think every betrayed spouse has a right to feel disdain, contempt and raw naked hatred towards their spouse's AP. In my case, I feel a.long, steady slow burn of utter contempt for the man. Any man who feigns interest, affection and creates feelings of love in a married woman to simply feed his carnal desire for her is the lowest of the low and IMHO belongs in the.lowest circle of Dante's hell, as described in "The Inferno" where betrayers are chained next to Satan himself.This for no other reason than the often irreparable harm they help create in marriages and relationships.

If I despise my wife's AP shouldn't I despise my wife as well?

I definitely experienced this dissonance. I hated POSOM far more than my WW for a long time. I look back in it now as a method of trying to preserve my mental image of my wife that did not serve me well. As I saw my wife more and more in the light of her actions instead of how I wanted her to be, my anger for POSOM faded with respect to the affair. Like HF’s story, that bastard engaged my child and for that I’m not sure what I would do if I ever came face to face with him. But regarding the A, it’s on my STBXW, all of it.

I found myself considering taking action against "Bundy". Yes, I nicknamed him Al Bundy mostly because his financial situation. It passed not because of any great epiphany on my part but due to simply deciding I had better things to focus my energies on.

I strangely never hated him, I saw my X as the one who betrayed me. He never made any promises to me.

This topic gets me riled up. Yes I have anger toward the OW and yes I have every right to that anger.

Sure, she wasn't married to me and didn't break any vows to me, but she still broke a social contract. She knowingly pursued another woman's husband, actively tried to pull him away from his children, she caused me enormous pain.

Yes, my husband also caused me pain. It's a different pain and I have anger towards him as well. But he has apologized and is making amends and acknowledges my pain every day.

Being angry at the OW doesn't negate or minimize my anger towards my WH.

If someone damages my property, I can be angry. If someone walks up to me and hits me, I can be angry. But when someone inserts themselves into my life and damages my relationship, I shouldn't be angry?

She played a part, and I am angry at her for that part. What she did to me, I could never do to another woman. For that lack of compassion towards another human, I'm angry.

ETA: I also have empathy and compassion for her as I realize she is a broken person with major issues that go beyond willingly being the OW. I do hope that she figures herself out, realizes her own self worth and can be a good strong role model for her own children. If this whole experience has taught me anything it's how complicated we are as humans and how two conflicting thoughts/feelings can exist and be true at the same time.

[This message edited by Tealchicken at 7:19 PM, Tuesday, September 24th]