SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This all happened so fast and I am truly not sure how to process it.

We're currently moving out of state and my friends have been helping me pack and prepare for the journey ahead. One of them came across an old mobile phone that my husband had been desperately looking for a few months ago. He told me he had important work notes saved in there and I had no reason to doubt him. I have always felt he was nothing but honest with me but looking back, I do remember him trying his best to keep me busy while he was conducting a search of the house. He would not accept my help on the grounds that he could manage and that I must already be tired from the kids. So utterly sly of him.

Well when I was given the phone, I thought as a prank I would read the notes and simply slyly quote them to him in conversation and when he made the connection, I'd give him the phone. There was no password on the device.

However, the moment I unlocked it, it automatically connected to the Wi-Fi and I saw over 500 unread messages on an dating app which I think is targeting those seeking an open relationship. I looked through the messages and in each and every one of them he had said "I am in an open marriage". I had hoped it would merely end with messages but the more I read, the more I saw phone numbers, and addresses and I can't stomach reading any more.

I don't even know how to process this. My life feels completely shattered. the span of the affairs seems to be over a year at the minimum but potentially longer. This is certainly no mistake. Everything feels like a lie. The foundation I have built my life on in the last decade has just been pulled from under me...

Welcome to SI and I'm so sorry that you're here. It sounds like you're in shock, which is not surprising. Some people can even get PTSD from this.

If you're having trouble with depression or sleeping, see your doctor for some meds. Also, you may want to get tested for STDs/STIs because there are some nasty diseases out there that can turn into cancer.

There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that are very helpful. Plus, there are some posts with bull's eye icons that are very helpful, too. Plus plus, the Healing Library at the top of the page has lots of great information and includes the list of acronyms we use.

I've always thought that Truman's World with Jim Carrey was terrible because of the gaslighting of the main character. I feel like it's a good metaphor of the feeling like your life has been a lie. But, if you think about it, you were living authentically. When you were happy, you were happy. When you were mad, sad, glad or bad, you were. He's the lying cheater who lies.

Right now, don't listen to what he says because you know he's able to lie to you. Watch his actions...or inactions.

And you're right - this isn't a mistake. A mistake is forgetting to grab a gallon of milk at the store. He has made so many decisions to lie and cheat. He's also done the basic 101 thing from our mythical Cheater's Handbook of re-writing marital history about an open M (marriage).

If too can IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. MC (marriage counseling) isn't recommended at this point. Your M (marriage) didn't cheat, your WH (wayward husband) did.

It wasn't anything you did or didn't do, say or didn't say, it's really a character flaw in him.

Hi,
I am so very sorry you discovered what you did. It often manifests as an unbearable physical shock as well as mental one. Your experience has some parallels with my own, and I am sending you so much support. It is a total rollercoaster (with few ups!).

I’m not sure what others here would advise, but if you can stomach it, I would suggest that you try to get some screen shots of at least some of the ‘evidence’ and save it in multiple safe places before you confront him. My WH deleted everything on his phone the moment I confronted him, but I had already stored what I had found in places beyond my phone and laptop.
Just be aware that, if it hasn’t already been burned into your mind from the shock of looking at it, looking at such material can be very traumatic.
I just find it reassuring to know that, should my WH cheat again, I will waste no time in putting him on the back foot. I have no desire to look at what I found ever again, however.
Thinking of you and sending hugs.

Do you know someone tech savvy. If so call them and have then entire contents of the phone transferred and saved. Then you can figure out what you want to look at after you have calmed down. If not screenshot or photograph everything with your phone. He’ll wipe it all the moment you confront.

So sorry you are going though this. You are in shock. If there is someone you can reach out to for support you should do it. Stay strong.

Also,
Please please read some of the articles here. I found this site after a number of months, and could have done with some practical advice in the very early days and hours. So much that I have read here has rung true and helped, and I really wish I had found such resources and people in my lowest of times.
With you!

I would suggest sitting down with him and asking the question is there anything I need to know about our relationshi? Is there anything you should tell me?

When he asks why are you asking simply repeat the questions. If he continues to stonewall and refuses to answer the questions then you can tell him you found the phone he was so desperately searching for. Do not show him the phone, put it in a safe place

Do not tell him what you already know, see how much truth he gives you without you having to drag it out of him. You can expect deflection and denial and anger and possibly several other emotions from him

Based on your conversation you decide the next steps that are best for you

IMO, illusions screw up lives. The phone shatters a set of illusions, and that's immensely painful, but I think you'll eventually feel better off for knowing the truth sooner rather than later.

Right now you're probably in shock. You don't know what to do. You're probably angry, sad, scared, and ashamed. Your head is probably telling to go this way one second and another way less than a second later. You probably have trouble eating, sleeping, moving, drinking water....

All of that is normal. Being betrayed is traumatic and extremely painful. All the bad news, though, is countered by this: you can recover. You can feel the pain and let it go. Your feelings are all right on, even shame, though you have nothing to be ashamed of. You can process the feelings out of your body. It will take longer than you want it to, but you can do it.

My reco is to stay away from the stay or go question for now. Ride the waves of emotion until you get your footing again - that will probably take 4-8 weeks.

Unless you know you will choose D, I suggest reading the bull's-eyed posts at the top of the JFO forum and the following 2 threads:

https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/324250/things-that-every-ws-needs-to-know/ - provides guidance in identifying a good candidate for R

https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/497843/fear-vs-reality/ - should be self-explanatory.

A few of things to keep telling yourself until you believe theme

1) You didn't cause this. Your WS went of the rails by his own choice, because of his own issues.

2) You can recover, whether you D or R or wait to get more info. Take the time you need to make your decision. You'll affect decades of your life. That's worth taking some time to figure out what's best for you.

3) Again, if you're not immediately going to D, make sure you know what you want first. Knowing what you want is important even if you don't think it's accessible. Then act to get as close to what you want as possible.

There is so much good supportive content on this site. Give yourself plenty of time to absorb it. There is nothing you need to do right now about all this.

But what a damn liar he is. An open marriage--seriously? I am so sorry.

Sadly this is very common.

But what a damn liar he is. An open marriage--seriously? I am so sorry.

One of my wife’s APs told her this. She was convinced that the OBS knew about them having sex and was ok with it. (Ignoring that I didn’t and wasn’t) funny how the OBS confirmed that was never true…. Just shows how insanely twisted the mental justifications are to allow them to do this while still preserving some semblance of "good person" self image. It is one of the many knives we have to remove from our backs.