SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I can't believe a random conversation on a random Tuesday will ruin our 4-year relationship.

We're both queer women. Over lunch, we talked about how hard it is to make friends, our past loves, past crushes. It was all lighthearted until it was her turn to talk, and she suddenly insisted I guess who she was attracted to. I laughed it off at first, thinking she was teasing, and decided to play along. I was dropping names left and right, throwing guesses. But then I said a specific name, and I saw her eyes light up in a way that made my stomach drop.

I just laughed because it never crossed my mind. I tried to shrug it off, telling myself it was just a stupid crush, nothing to worry about. I asked her when did it start, how long has it been going, and she said maybe a year or so.

I was like, well fuck me. Everything clicked at that moment. That’s why she had been studying polyamory, why she’d suddenly brought up the topic out of nowhere. It also explained why she seemed so annoyed by that guy; all this time, it was just a pretence of attraction, a cover for what she was really feeling.

She admitted that she had extreme, intense feelings for him. That there was yearning, she longed for him, that she imagined how her life would look like if he was in the picture. That he was the complete opposite of me—ambitious, fierce. That maybe he's the person who could actually fill what I lack. It meant something. It meant so much to her. It meant something completely unimaginable to me.

She also confessed how she'd get giddy/butterflies in her stomach when he interacted with her online. How a single like on her Instagram story would make her feel so happy.

Ten uncomfortable conversations later, she's making me feel guilty for not agreeing to open the relationship. She was forcing me to study polyamory, work on my jealousy, rewire my brain. She told me she needed polyamory, she needed another person because I'm not enough. That I'm not enough for her. She was making me feel like it was all my fault she was miserable for avoiding the life she could have lived, when from the get-go I was giving her a clear, rational exit: It's your life at the end of the day. If you think exploring polyamory would make you so fulfilled and happy, go ahead. I respect that. I understand that. But I won't be a witness to it. We will have to part ways.

She hasn't shown a good amount of remorse or guilt. She hasn't acknowledged how betrayed I feel because she said she did not act on it. But how do you even make sense of everything when your partner was fantasizing about another person when they were with you? How the fuck do you recover from that?

So, was I right to feel betrayed? Was this emotional cheating? I need to understand what she had done to us. I need to name what was done to me.

Was she spending time and attention on this person and/or keeping contact with them from you? Did she do things with them that she wouldn't do if you were there? Also, her emotional manipulation trying to force you into going against your principles by making you feel guilty is a huge red flag.

Sorry you're here on SI. There are some pinned posts at the top of the JFO (Just Found Out)forum that we encourage be members to read. The Healing Library has a lot of great information and includes the list of acronyms we use. A lot is written for hetero couples, but use the terms that fit your sitch.

You are enough. You are faithful, loving and true.

If too can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist may be helpful. Practice self-care because infidelity and betrayal are the worst.

Yes you have been emotionally cheated on.

By a manipulative person to boot.

Two people should be able to sit down and discuss anything openly and honestly. If your partner is trying to manipulate you or force you into something that you are not comfortable with then you might want to question if this is a good relationship for you

Based on what you've said I agree that you have been emotionally cheated on

I'd suggest viewing your sitch as a bad fit. You want monogamy. The woman you thought was your partner (which means more than 'spouse' to my W and me) wants polyamory. There's no way for both of you to get what you want out of a sexual connection.

Be honest with yourself. Do you want an open relationship? If not I urge you not to force yourself to conform to your erstwhile partner's demands. Be yourself.

Stealing from Bigger (whose wisdom you'll see if you read much here), what's keeping you from saying something like, 'You're enough for me. Since I'm not enough for you, let's split'?

I know it can be heart-breaking to end a relationship. All I can say is that many people post on SI that they're happier alone than they were in a bad relationship. And staying in a bad relationship closes off opportunities for find a good one....

I know this is unfair. The thing is: if you don't want an open relationship, your best bet is to partner with someone else who doesn't want an open relationship.

If you don't think you can stand up for yourself, I urge you to find a good IC. You deserve better than you're getting from your partner and giving to yourself. That's not meant as a criticism; it's an observation.

Does the guy reciprocate the attention and express interest in her, or is this relationship all in her head? If it's infatuation, I'm not so sure that it's an EA. Maybe it is in the same way that some people consider porn cheating?

It's reminding me a lot of my EA which consisted of me and the AP sitting in the driveway, smoking cigarettes, talking about how lonely he was, and bantering in a veiled manner about sex. My H knew about it almost from the start, and I talked a lot with him about the fantasies that I had about making it a PA with no strings attached. It was all just make-believe. I didn't really want a PA, I just wanted to feel titillated and desired. I talked a lot about it. I was hyped up about it. I was so into it. But it wasn't real. And how screwed up was it that I talked about it with my H?

It also reminds me of my BFF in high school, who made a big deal of it if the "big man on campus" so much as glanced her way. It meant he was interested! OMG, should she ask him to homecoming? Let's drive by his house 50 times! He touched this water glass; she's never washing it again!

If it's all infatuation and research and planning for something that's unlikely to happen, I don't know what you call it. It's a sort of betrayal of attention, I guess?

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 11:27 PM, Saturday, September 21st]

I say no, it wasn't an EA. Imo, to have an affair the WS has to be actively engaging with another person who is an equal or near equal party to the affair. I think your WS had an elaborate and intense infatuation and fantasy.

However, I also don't think that distinction matters in your case. Why? Because she delivered to you the exact same message every BS here received in one form or another... "you're not enough for me".

She may not have had an affair but she directly told you that. In a small sense, it is a little worse than some of our WS because some of them had the ONS or EA or PA but when found out some WS immediately say the exact opposite to the BS... "you're all I want, please don't leave, I was out of my mind" etc. Of course the damage is donenbut at least they don't add to it and look you in the face and say 'you're just not enough'.

So I think you need to treat this just as serious as if she had slept with this guy for 6 months. She doesn't seem to have developed the 'I'm in a loving relationship so I have to sacrifice some of my own desires to serve the needs of a partnership' idea. And she's missing the idea that no partner can't meet all our needs, I have to be secure in myself first and not expect my partner to provide everything does not mean that I need polyamory to fill that hole.

I'll admit that polyamory is not a subject I have great knowledge of. I am sure it can work in certain situations. But I think that in many cases the idea comes up because the WS is selfish, has a gaping hole in them they don't know how to fill, has an A or infatuation and figures that's what I need to fill my hole! Well wake up buttercup, we all have that hole in us and all have to deal with it. There are ways to do it without A and without polyamory.

Can your partner figure that out? Be careful assuming she will. For some people it is too high a mountain to climb.

If nothing physical happened between your partner and this guy, it's only because he's not interested in her.

As for her trying to force you to be polyamorous and "rewire" your brain, that's about as absurd as her coming out as straight and then demanding you get a sex change. If she wants to be polyamorous and you have no interest, that's a her problem, not a you problem.

Snowcountry, it doesn't matter whether she considers what she did cheating or not. What matters is that you've discovered that you and your partner do not share the same values and that her idea of a fulfilling relationship is one that serves her interests, even if it's at the expense of your safety and happiness. That makes you fundamentally incompatible.

She told me she needed polyamory, she needed another person because I'm not enough.

No matter what you call it - this right here is all you need to know.
I hope you are lacing up your bitch boots and walking. And understand, it OK to cry when you do.

I see it that she set you up with the random conversation, to steer you in the direction she wanted to go. After that manipulation, she wants to brainwash you into something you don't want to do.

I see disrespect, condescension, guilt-tripping, and lack of empathy when she's told you that she has developed intense feelings for somebody else. These are not things you want in a relationship.

For the past year has she been telling you she loves you and you're both making plans for the future in what you thought was a committed monogamous relationship? That looks like gaslighting to me. Letting you think reality is one way, but she's off on a totally different tangent and wanting a future that has another person in it.

Your values do not align.