I need confirmation if I was emotionally cheated on. I need to find out if my partner has been unfaithful.

I can't believe a random conversation on a random Tuesday will ruin our 4-year relationship.

We're both queer women. Over lunch, we talked about how hard it is to make friends, our past loves, past crushes. It was all lighthearted until it was her turn to talk, and she suddenly insisted I guess who she was attracted to. I laughed it off at first, thinking she was teasing, and decided to play along. I was dropping names left and right, throwing guesses. But then I said a specific name, and I saw her eyes light up in a way that made my stomach drop.

I just laughed because it never crossed my mind. I tried to shrug it off, telling myself it was just a stupid crush, nothing to worry about. I asked her when did it start, how long has it been going, and she said maybe a year or so.

I was like, well fuck me. Everything clicked at that moment. That’s why she had been studying polyamory, why she’d suddenly brought up the topic out of nowhere. It also explained why she seemed so annoyed by that guy; all this time, it was just a pretence of attraction, a cover for what she was really feeling.

She admitted that she had extreme, intense feelings for him. That there was yearning, she longed for him, that she imagined how her life would look like if he was in the picture. That he was the complete opposite of me—ambitious, fierce. That maybe he's the person who could actually fill what I lack. It meant something. It meant so much to her. It meant something completely unimaginable to me.

She also confessed how she'd get giddy/butterflies in her stomach when he interacted with her online. How a single like on her Instagram story would make her feel so happy.

Ten uncomfortable conversations later, she's making me feel guilty for not agreeing to open the relationship. She was forcing me to study polyamory, work on my jealousy, rewire my brain. She told me she needed polyamory, she needed another person because I'm not enough. That I'm not enough for her. She was making me feel like it was all my fault she was miserable for avoiding the life she could have lived, when from the get-go I was giving her a clear, rational exit: It's your life at the end of the day. If you think exploring polyamory would make you so fulfilled and happy, go ahead. I respect that. I understand that. But I won't be a witness to it. We will have to part ways.

She hasn't shown a good amount of remorse or guilt. She hasn't acknowledged how betrayed I feel because she said she did not act on it. But how do you even make sense of everything when your partner was fantasizing about another person when they were with you? How the fuck do you recover from that?

So, was I right to feel betrayed? Was this emotional cheating? I need to understand what she had done to us. I need to name what was done to me.

9 comments posted: Saturday, September 21st, 2024