SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

That anxiety can get to you, and sometimes symptoms mimic a heart attack. Please be extra kind to yourself.

So sorry she continues to lie. There's an old joke that I changed up for my situation. How do I know XWH is lying? His lips are moving.

There's a quote by Jean-Paul Satre that says

The worst part about being lied to is knowing you weren't worth the truth

I'm re-reading Cheating in a Nutshell by Wayne & Tamara Mitchell, based on information from their decades-long advice column. One of the things they said about a WW is that your truth does not exist, but her justifications do. It's a good book and there's a good discussion in the Book Club forum.

Just got a proof it is PA in addition to EA. Not that it changes anything as I was certain before but now it is 100%. I can't describe what I feel now! I hope those meds will start kicking in soon but I know it takes several weeks at least. I really want to confront her about that just throw it in her lying POS face! But I won't do that. I know that this is not what I should do. I'll go for a walk instead. I just wanted to vent.
Shall I tell her anything? Not related to this finding but anything at all? After I confronted a couple days back and told her about divorce she did not get back to me and acting like nothing happened.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I read stories on here and I often think that we must have had the same spouse. Lack of intimacy at least for me but not for extramaritals check. Lying about what they did… check. Low care and concern for my well being so that my health was seriously negatively impacted…check.

Everyone may be in a different situation, but I personallydid not find having conversations with my exwh to be helpful because he did not care at all what he did to me or how I felt. No marriage is perfect, but it would have had to have been on him to do the work to figure out why he did what he did and commit to stopping doing it.

What did help me is years of relearning how to take good care of myself first and foremost, to treat myself well, and to surround myself with people who do give a (rat’s left rear toenail) about me.

We absolutely do deserve to be treated with decency and respect in our relationships.

Shall I tell her anything?

IMO, you don't have to tell her anything. Your WW has shown that she has made her choice as she continues to betray you and your daughter.

Keep all future communications only about your daughters' wellbeing. Focus on getting yourself mentally and physically healthy.

You do not need to let her know of your plans, as she has resigned from the job of being your wife.

The fact that she is walking around pretending you have not said anything about a D is all the evidence you need that there is nothing to work with.

A caring person would do something - anything - to save a marriage. You are trying to do something to save your marriage but unfortunately the cheater is not.

Burying her head in the sand is not the right choice in this case. In fact it is signaling the cheater just doesn’t care. That may not be the case but it sets the appearance that the cheater is taking the lazy cowardly way out of the situation.

And unfortunately that has the opposite effect than may be what was/is intended. Not talking about something is just an easy way to avoid the obvious.

I’m sorry for you. You deserve better but I agree with you that there is no point in trying to discuss anything at this point. It only provides more pain and frustration for you.

Other than telling her you are divorcing have you done anything else?
Like... are you still living together? Has there been any change in how you two interact on a daily basis? Are you two still buying groceries and paying bills as if nothing has changed? Sleep in the same bed?
Basically – other than you once told her you are divorcing – have you done anything more to make that clear to her? Are you just waving the "I want a divorce" threat in front of her with no follow-through?

This is SO COMMON. "I want a divorce" screamed in an argument, and then no follow up. The WS – who has the best of two worlds – simply sticks around in her family safety-zone, while still (in this case) having her alcohol and her lover.

In an earlier post I stated that divorce is a process and it’s important that you work that process. If D is what you want or think is inevitable then follow it through. Consult with an attorney, learn what routes are open, start the process at home, file, start letting stakeholders know, file...

About letting her know that you are aware that it’s physical...
If your state or country is one of the very few where infidelity can impact divorce (the FIRST thing you check online before deciding your next steps...) then definitely don’t let her know and learn what level of proof you need for infidelity. Splurge on a PI for the legal-level of proof you might need. But frankly the odds of this having any effect are less than the odds of winning the lottery.

If you are committed to divorce – or even if you still have some sliver of hope (minding that not only fidelity is required but also long-term sobriety...) – I wouldn’t see a need to keep it secret. In fact I think it can alleviate a lot of stress from you AND negatively impact her affair if you are open and frank about it:
"Wife. I know you are having an affair with OM. No – don’t deny it. I have my proof and no – I don’t have to prove it to you. We BOTH know the truth. This along with your alcoholism is why I am divorcing you. I could support you if you were dealing with your illness of addiction, but you aren’t, and you are having an affair.
I don’t share my wife.
That’s why I am telling you that you are free to be with OM as well as free to wreck your life with your addiction. I absolve you of all obligations as my wife, and no longer see me bound by my vows as husband. The formal dissolution of our marriage has started, but if you want to date, be with, visit with or whatever OM then feel free to do so. I expect some decency as in not having him in the family home and not introducing him to our kids while we are still formally married, but you can spend all the time you want with him.
I suggest you educate yourself about the divorce process. If we are reasonable we can get this over with quite quickly, and that will give you the freedom you so desperately want to be with OM and live the life you are choosing to follow."

And then you continue working the steps towards divorce.

As far as others are concerned: People tend to notice when others divorce... I don’t really see a need for secrecy...
"Yes – Wife and I are divorcing. I filed because she is having an affair with [put name of OM here] and her alcoholism is getting worse."

This isn’t done for revenge or to cause pain. What it does is make the affair common knowledge, and that tends to kill whatever kick the affair offers. Plus the OM might simply be after some easy sex, and slides away once exposed. It also tends to strengthen your commitment to getting out of infidelity, and makes you firmer either in your determination to divorce OR in setting the conditions needed to reconcile.
In your instance – those conditions would probably start with detox and a 6-12 month period of accountable sobriety before you could even start working on long-term marital issues.

Your ww needs 90 day rehab. It gets the alcohol out of her system. Then you MIGHT have a chance to discuss things and her brain possibly be able to absorb info. Please, please pay attention to this. Not one single thing you have said to your wife has gotten through to her. Not one single thing. It is not stored in her brain. It has been hijacked so she only wants the fix. The cheating is just another fix but, of course, drinking is the major one. That prefrontal cortex is not working properly. Your words hit a brick wall.

If you have a good relationship with your dr please discuss having access to something like Valium. Only one or two pills. The stuff is extremely addictive so I only suggest this to give your over worked nervous system a chance to calm down. When my mother died I was so over wrought that the dr gave me two days worth and that allowed me to calm down. For some reason these days prescriptions are for 30 days. Under no circumstances do you need to have anything that powerful in your house. If you get a prescription destroy any after taking one or two. There are other drugs (Gabapentin) that are usually prescribed for other issues but can calm you down. I don’t think this causes addiction but your dr will know. I wish our lives did not get off the rails like this but sometimes they do. I don’t like alcohol. I feel sad for anyone who has managed to get themselves in this fix. But that CANNOT matter to you. The stress will eventually kill you.
Get away from it by getting out doors. Sun on your face. Walking, moving any way you can. Find something that gives you enough pleasure to override the worry. Men are fixers. You see a problem and zero in on how to solve it. This is what is driving your stress. Along with that is the continuing cheating. Remember to have the wisdom to know you cannot fix any of it. You can only protect yourself. Focus on that. You can only protect yourself.

We live together, but we do not share bed and sleep in separate bedrooms. We just coexist, not even roommates, because roommates talk and chitchat and we don't.
Meanwhile, I'm waiting for an initial consultation with two lawyers pretty soon. Then I'm going to pick one and kick off the process. Adultery is one of the few reasons for divorce here, but I don't know how it affects the process exactly. This is one of the questions I'm going to ask the lawyers, and from there I'll decide if I should tell her or keep it to myself for now. Her thinking might be that it will just settle down and resolve itself if she ignores it and pretends like nothing is happening. But not this time. I'm firm in my decision. I'm done here.

A person has to be willing to help themselves with addiction. This is a required first step. Not the case here, unfortunately. I have tried everything I could to get her into treatment with no avail. So I'm done with that part as well.

It has just started to sink in what a broken person she really is. My image of her and reality don't match at all. There might have been other APs during our marriage and there was secret drinking and who knows what else. Lies on lies and covered with lies. People in our circle know her as sweet and kind and lovely person. She can be charming and I think she mastered the art of lying and pretending over the years.

Bingo! Our loved one has become so good at manipulation and lies. None of us can understand how this sweet, sweet person became this liar. This is what we all discuss on our shared texting and phone calls. Frustration and pain. We can’t fix him. We can love him but we can’t fix him.

I hope you have a good support and go to AlAnon. They know stuff.

You need to get counseling and find out why you think so little of yourself. She cheated before and had no consequences. She probably thinks this time will be the same.

You aren’t even having sex with her. But she is having sex with other men. Life’s too short to have a wife screwing another man. Minimum requirement to have a decent wife is to be faithful.

You are also too afraid to confront her and seem to be incapable of standing up for yourself. So what will you do when she starts to panic and sucks you back in.

Please don’t get into a relationship where you allow yourself to be treated like this. You deserve more!

Good to read you are committed to getting yourself out of infidelity. How did the attorney meetings go? You’ve gone above and beyond to help her with her addictions. It’s time to take care of yourself.

On top of my husband’s infidelity I had to go to al anon as my husband was addicted to alcohol at the time.

The knowledge and support I gained was a life saver for me. His drinking was the issue. The major issue.

He wanted to detox. He did it. Took one to two years.

Relapse is always a possibility…the booze and the cheating. It’s in his hands, not mine.

Best courage and fortitude, I know it’s hard.

Shehawk:
I can relate to it so much. Recently we had a small convo where I expressed how all of it makes me feel, there was not much emotions from my side I just briefly explained how her actions make me feel and that is is very panful for me. She showed no emotions at all, just acted like she's not hearing it. She wouldn't even admit anything and is very vague. Instead she put some blame on me and says she has her own issues and she is hurting and feels bad. Yeah, right, I can see her "pain" almost every day when she communicates with and goes to see AP laughing and cheerful. This is what gets me the most now. Her acting like nothing is happening and seeing her putting makeup before going out, then smelling men's cologne in our apartment once she is back from "a store" or "a chores". I'm trying to detach from it and from her and I think I'm getting getting better at this but I still struggle every time. I'm just looking forward for us to split asap. I don't want to witness that everyday! It is some kind of sophisticated torture.

The1stWife:
I realize that there is nothing to work with at this point. Not with how she is acting. And yeah, you're right talking makes no sense, only mutual blaming and lying from her side. I know we should not engage in conversations but sometimes it is hard not to.

The lawyer is already working on the documents, I really expect to get something in coming weeks.

Apologize I do not answer to ever comment but I do really appreciate every one of them and you all are very helpful!

We understand how painful this is. We have been through it. Some D, some R and some end up just hanging in there.

What is important is that you are aware that sometimes you just have to walk away to save yourself. To me, this is one of those situations.

You are not being mean or vindictive or petty. It’s not that you don’t love her. It’s that you can no longer live with her because of the way she behaves, the choices she makes, the lying and cheating and drinking.

Sometimes love just isn’t enough.

Sir, just wanted to say that I affirm you taking strong, determined action to extricate yourself from this toxic entanglement with your stbxw. Multiple affairs + alcoholism leave no space for a healthy, loving, mutually reciprocal relationship.

I hope you will invest heavily in your own well being and up your level of self care exponentially. You need it now. You deserve it.

Strength, clarity and healing to you.