Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 11:57 AM on Friday, October 4th, 2024
Eric
What is extremely positive in your post is that you two are seeking and open to outside help.
Your wife talking to her doctor is a great step. Hopefully he will arrange a whole barrage of hormonal-level tests.
It’s also great that you are seeking advice from Relate. I hope you and your wife go there with an open mind. Often that’s going there with the intent of finding solutions rather than having your point-of-view validated. I think maybe the biggest problem with MC is when couples attend with the expectation that the MC tells the partner that what they say is correct and the partner should agree with it. I think it’s always better if you can go there with an attitude of "we" have a problem – how do "we" deal with it.
There are specialized intimacy-coaches. No – they don’t guide you in the act itself. Don’t suggest new positions and kinks. But they can guide the two of you in dealing with whatever issues have been holding back on intimacy.
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus
Eric1964 (original poster new member #84524) posted at 12:42 PM on Friday, October 4th, 2024
@Bigger
Yes, I think that's all good advice, and I'm particularly aware of not using a MC counsellor to back up my views. That said, I think my WS has a strong impulse to avoid what happened and, unfortunately, her affair is now part of our marriage and can't be denied. But I know that my ultimate aim is a way forward together, and not an "I win, you lose" situation.
I keep kicking myself for leaving this for so long, because the default assumption that anyone will make will be, "Why are you bringing this up now, just to cause unnecessary pain? This is in the past! Why are digging it up now?" Of course, the fact is, for me, I'm not digging it up because, for me, it's never been buried.
DDay was in January and June 2010 and since then we've buried it. I'm here because it won't stay buried.
