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My husband and I have been trying to reconcile after I had an affair. It's been 2 years since the affairs were over. In order not to hurt my husband more, I was dishonest about some of the facts afterwards. About 8 months into reconciliation, he found out about a second affair that had taken place previously, so I decided to come clean about everything I had done. I shared all the facts with him. Because of the lies he'd been told, he couldn't believe anything I said. I was very transparent with him...he has access to my social media, email, cell phone, etc. I wanted to prove to him that the lies were over and I had come clean about everything. I took a polygraph test per his request and signed a post-nup stating that I'd lose the house if any other facts were discovered. No lies have been told in 17 months. I am very transparent and hide nothing from him. I tell him everywhere I go and check in often. I have Life 360 on my phone, but he won't put it on his. We have good days and then something triggers him and sets him back. I show him compassion, love, and remorse every day in hopes of earning his trust and love back. I know this will take a very long time. He has horrible nightmares and has his own beliefs about things that took place. I can't get those things out of his mind. I fight everyday against his nigtmares...almost like starting over every day. He thinks I'm still lying to him and can't trust me. He wants our relationship to work. I've asked him to get counseling, but he won't. He did get counseling at the beginning but says it didn't do any good. We did go to couples therapy at first. I have been going to individual therapy every 1-2 weeks since this happened to work on myself and show him I'm committed to our relationship. We have been married 22 years and have 2 children. I don't know what else to do to help him stop worrying and try to trust me again. If anyone has any advice to help me, please share. I want our relationship to work. He does too, but he can't seem to let his heart be stronger than his mind. Thank you

Im sure more experienced contributors will be along soon, they may advise you to post on the wayward side thread. The only thing I have for you is to accept the FACT that this may take a VERY long time, in some cases a life time so do some reading here to put your expectations on a realistic time frame for you husbands recovery from having his mind blown up into a million pieces.

It takes 3 to 5 YEARS to heal from this. Even then,many BS still trigger and have problems for years.

That you allowed him to think there was one affair, for 8 months,until he found out otherwise,is a huge problem, and will continue to be. False R is very difficult to come back from. You reset his healing back to day one,when he discovered the second affair.

One thing you need to do is become very honest. You claim you didn't tell him the facts after dday 1,because you didn't want to cause him more pain. If you're honest, you didn't tell him because you were worried about how him knowing about another affair would affect you. WS always try to say they kept secrets to protect their BS. When, truly,if you cared about protecting him there wouldn't have been an affair,let alone 2.

It does sound like you are doing the right things now. Mostly. However, that doesn't mean he should just be ok with all of it. It will take years of you doing the right things, and being completely honest at all times, before he feels safer.

Unfortunately, because he had to discover the entire truth on his own, this will make reconciliation extremely difficult. I'm sure before dday 1 you told him he knew everything. And he now doesn't trust that. Can you blame him?

Understand, trust will never be fully restored.

Many BS don't feel the need to be transparent (Life 360), until they feel safe. Many WS would use that location info as a way to carry out an affair. You know where he will be,so you could meet OM. Don't push him on that. After all, he didn't cheat.

Are you completely NC with both men? Did you NC any friends who knew of the affair? Were you tested for stds? Do both men's wives know about the affairs?

Don't push him with the MC. It does sound like he could benefit from IC. Show him this site, and suggest he post. Many BH have found support here.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:18 PM, Wednesday, December 21st]

Double post

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:15 PM, Wednesday, December 21st]

First off, welcome to SI - the best group of people you never wanted to meet. Being willing to post here as a WS is brave, I encourage you to keep doing it even if there are responses that FEEL harsh. Shame and shame avoidance is a pretty common shared experience amongst waywards so getting comfortable with the uncomfortable is a really important step.

We're going to need more details? How long were the original affairs? When was your original d-day? When was the most recent d-day - the one where your BS found out about....(checks notes)....a whole OTHER affair. In the grand scheme of things, two years is not very long. You also know the clock starts ticking whenever the last bit of trickle truth was, right? I'm 5, almost 6 years out, consider myself reconciled but I don't think I will ever trust my spouse the way I did previously. I still experience triggers - though they occur FAR less frequently and FAR less intensely than they did previously.

The nightmares your spouse is having suggest that he's traumatized. It's very common for betrayed partners. It's PTSD - no different than that experienced by war veterans, only most veterans don't live with the person who caused their trauma. I experienced nightmares regularly for years post-D-day (and my comparatively small trickle truth nightmare was over within 3 months of D-day). I will tell you that to the person that is experiencing them, they feel real. The emotions involved FEEL the same. It is no wonder you feel like you're back at the beginning because that is exactly what it feels like.

Building back trust is about making your partner feel safe. It is about consistency over time. You make someone feel safe by being open, honest, and avoiding defensiveness. You let them know that you are aware of their concerns and take steps to put their mind at ease. This means being proactive about their concerns. You avoid situations that are anything less than TOTALLY ABOVE BOARD. You keep your spouse looped in by proactively disclosing any and all situations that might rouse their concerns/fears. Even the stuff that is entirely harmless or unintentional that you KNOW will piss them off. When my spouse ran into the former AP while waiting at an elevator bay recently he texted me about it immediately. They didn't speak, and would never ever have known about it had he not told me about it, but his quick disclosure shows me that he is protective of me an my marriage. It shows he cares more about me and the boundaries I have set for R, than avoiding an uncomfortable conversation.

To that end, you also need to make sure they feel safe expressing and experiencing their out-of-control feelings and emotions. So avoid frustration and irritation by the apparent slow speed of their healing. Avoid shutting down conversations about said emotions - whether they are always expressed constructively or not. You apologize frequently and sincerely for what you have done to break their trust and for putting them through this. Thank them for being willing to attempt reconciliation with you, when he has no rational reason for doing so. The grace he is showing you is no small gift and you should be endlessly appreciative.

Finally give him a reason to trust you. You have apparently had multiple affairs despite having promised to love and cherish him, and only him, for the rest of your life. Are you digging into WHY you did this? What are you doing to fix it? It is not enough to say that I wont do it again. Words, especially the words of someone who has demonstrating their ability to lie and cheat with apparent ease, mean very little. Actions are what counts. SHOW HIM what has changed. Be patient with him while he dips his toes into believing it.

I applaud you for posting here. It is a horrible situation. I feel like me and FWH are mostly healed, until I'm triggered. We're 4 yrs out. It will take time. And BOTH of you have to want it BAD. 2 years out, there were days, I wasn't sure that the work was worth it....or if I'd ever get over it.

The things you're doing sound like you're on the right track, honestly. We did many of the same. He has to heal himself from the PTSD. Some of the things that worked well for us.
1. No defensiveness.
2. Taking breaks from the conversation when either of us became flooded.
3. No conversations about the A or anything with big emotions after alcohol.
4. FWH expressing empathy for where I was. Some days it was a real struggle for him to have hope that things would get better.
5. We made lists of the things we could trust....i.e. I could trust him to take care of our son. I could trust that we had most of the same values (A aside). I could trust that he'd continue working hard at our business.
6. Him showing up for me when I was triggered, even if I wasn't the kindest in those moments.
7. Him showing real emotional vulnerability and leaning in with me. When I was deep in pain, showing empathy and telling me how that pain made him feel.
8. Him telling me all the ugly truths. That worked for me. Even if I was hurt by it, at least I knew he was being truthful at the risk of hurting me so much that he may lose me.
9. Having a specific game plan for when/if we ran into the other couple. We were friends. (UGH)
10. He showed up differently for me. Pre-affair, I was the chief parent, cook and bottle washer, maintainer of the emotional stuff in our relationship. Those first couple of years, I didn't cook at all. I didn't do a dish or laundry. When I couldn't eat, he made me meals. When I was deep in distrust, he did the dishes....because I couldn't doubt that they were done. Even if I couldn't believe what he said, I had to acknowledge that he did those actions.

He couldn't fix me, because he was the cause of the pain. He could just be there while I worked through it. I got triggered a couple of days ago. It happens about once a month now, but 2 yrs out it was still nearly every day for me. Another thing, I had to realize that he had to prove to me that he WASN'T doing something affair related. How do you prove a negative? Lots and lots of little positives. He left notes on my car, bought me small gifts to let me know he was thinking of me, etc. Showed me that he was actively listening. We read affair recovery books together.

I also had to get to a point where I could stop blaming him for my pain (he totally deserved it, but I had other work to do) and work with him to reconcile our marriage. He couldn't do it all alone, even though he was the cause of my pain. He likened it to watching a car rolling into a lake, because someone left the parking brake off. I could be hurt and angry and sad about the car.....or I could join him in trying to push it back up the hill before it hit the water. And believe me, it was like pushing a car uphill for me.

It's worth it. Hang in there. And, tell him to hang in there too.

It takes 3 to 5 YEARS to heal from this. Even then,many BS still trigger and have problems for years.

To be clear this is from the last Dday, so your clock is only at 16 months. The other drawbacks are both BS & WS have to be willing to do the work and any infidelity can be a dealbreaker to some BS. Your BS may be one of those. Especially with the trickle truthing. You should continue to do your work. To work on the flaws within you that allowed you to stray. To consistently show that you are a safe partner through actions as well as words. Give your BS time to heal, but at some point it's on him to heal himself or not.

Much of the advice you’ve received, and will continue to receive, is to ensure your BH feels safe. I wholeheartedly agree with this.

However, I’ve said this before, and I will say it again, that I think in many cases men may focus more on certain aspects of cheating.

Your post focuses mostly of your actions to make your BH feel safe and convince him you won’t cheat again. I commend you for this and it’s very solid. I’m sure you believe you will never cheat again, and that could very well be the truth. Your BH might feel that as well, although there will always be some level of mistrust that will be permanent. You’ve witnessed first hand the devastation you caused him, and you’ve gone to great lengths to be open and transparent. Again, excellent.

However, what he might not directly verbalize to you, and you might not be focusing on, is how he feels as a man - emasculated, wondering if you enjoyed sex with your APs more than with him, how big was APs penis’, did you perform acts with your APs that you haven’t done with him, mind movies while being intimate with your BH as he thinks about you snd APs having sex, etc.

How do you fix this? That’s a difficult one. Showing your BH that you desire him, are sexually attracted to him, that you lust after him, and are chasing him, is a good way to start. Doing things with him that you did with APs is important. You can’t fix his bruised ego and sense of emasculation, only he can do that. However, he can’t do that unless you do your actions, as I just mentioned.

To me, that’s the big issue. However, I’m not your husband. Have you discussed all of what I’ve mentioned? If yes, what is your BHs mindset on it? If no, then that’s where I would direct your efforts now. You can be direct snd ask him, or you can assume it, and start to work towards this aspect of your A in helping him. My recommendation is to be open snd direct with him about it.

Thank you all for your advice. This whole process has been very hard for me. I have always been a rule follower and "good girl". I feel like I have let myself down, as well as everyone I love. I will respond to the questions I've gotten so far.

-Life 360 - I want him to use this as a tracking device for me so he'll know that I'm being honest about my whereabouts. I'm not interested in tracking him.
-There is NC with the AP. One is divorced so there is no wife to notify. The other one tried to contact me via email. He told my husband when confronted that his wife knew. He told me the same thing in the email. I sent the emails to my husband as they took place and he was telling me how to respond. He tried to call several times but I never answered. My husband knows about that. He decided to contact the AP wife. She had no clue. She sent me nasty messages and she and my husband talked several times. She was 10 weeks pregnant so that was very hard for me...not wanting anything to happen to their baby or their marriage. Since my husband contacted her, I've heard nothing from the AP.
-None of my friends knew of the AP when the affairs were going on.
-The affair that he knew about from the beginning was discovered in Nov. 2020. It took place for 1 year. The second affair was discovered in July 2021. It was mostly emailing with occasional meetings. At that time, I disclosed all my "secrets" and came clean. I also shared that I had inappropriate conversations/pictures via email/social media/texting with 5 other men during the affair time. There was no physical contact with these men. Knowing that I had cheated with 7 men is very hard for him to accept. I took the polygraph and signed the post-nup to prove how serious I was that all the bullshit was over and that I was committed to making our marriage work.
-I am working on myself every day to figure out why I did this and to heal myself. I read books, read posts, go to therapy every 1-2 weeks, reflect, etc. I use my actions of remorse and compassion to show him that our marriage is worth fighting for and that I accept all responsibility for what took place.
-My husband has expressed that he feels "less than adequate" with his manhood and sex. I reassure him that what he and I experience together is NOTHING like what took place during the affair. My husband and I are very sexual, much more than I ever was during the affairs. I show him I desire him and repeatedly give him reassurance about his sexual performance. He thinks that our wonderful sex life is a result of what happened during the affairs. That is so far from the truth. It's because I let myself be vulnerable and connected to him in ways that I didn't before. We have sex almost daily or multiple times a day. He feels safe when we are intimate, but then gets triggered when it's over.
-The biggest thing my husband thinks I'm still lying about is the details of sex with my AP. There's no way for me to convince him that sex with them was nothing like sex with him. He has vivid nightmares that sex with the AP was way more extreme and intense than with us. I don't know what to do to help him understand it wasn't at all.
-I am very patient and understanding of his ups and downs. I have told him I will be patient as long as I need to be for him to heal. I've made it clear that I will not abandon him through this process. I do not put expectations on him. I do not accuse him of not healing fast enough. I know that I'm the reason for his pain and hurt. I am very supportive when he needs me close and I always listen/engage in conversations related to the affair when he needs to talk. I try not to get defensive but it's hard sometimes when he starts throwing daggers and getting very upset and hostile with his words. He's worked very hard on trying not to get angry and throw shame during conversations.

Two things. Never get defensive. Ever. When he gets angry and says things that are unkind,practice empathy. Understand his anger is because he is in enormous pain. A defensive WS will derail R every time.

Start posting on the wayward forum. We have a few wonderful former waywards who can help you get to why you cheated.

You do seem to be doing a lot right. He's still drowning in pain. Understandable. He's found out his wife is a serial cheater. That's a lot for a man to deal with. He's going to need time. Just know that that time heals nothing. It's what you do during this time that helps.

Hi Tigerpaw and welcome to SI. Like others said, you are seeking help and that’s a great start. Healing takes time and work, unfortunately there are no short cuts. Every bit of the journey has to be traveled. There are peaks and valleys the whole way.

My W came completely clean after trickle truth (TT) but I didn’t believe her, she had lied and assured me so many times that I knew everything. It took time asking her the same thing 1000 times, don’t let that frustrate you it’s part of the journey. I actually started connecting with other FWS here on SI to start making sense of her story. They were a big part of my healing and understanding her mindset. Give him space and time, keep posting here, you are on the right path.

"He thinks that our wonderful sex life is a result of what happened during the affairs. That is so far from the truth. It's because I let myself be vulnerable and connected to him in ways that I didn't before."

What does this mean? You are stating that your sex life with WH is better than before you cheated because you’re now vulnerable and connected to him in ways you weren’t before your affairs.

In that case, your BH is correct. Your sex life post As is better than prior to due to your Affairs.

This is a very critical point, so it’s important to clarify.

Sex was great before the affairs. The affairs were not a way for me to gain sexual fulfillment. They took place at a time in my life when I felt completely worthless. Since the affairs, my husband has been very sexually driven. He wants to try new things and venture out of the norm sexually. In order to show him I’m committed and that I do desire him, I am more than willing to do the things he’s interested in. The hurt caused by the affairs has made me more vulnerable and open to my husband. I want to be there for him in every aspect of our marriage. The affairs didn’t make my sex life better. They made me realize I needed to change as a person and drop my walls, open up more, share my feelings, and let my husband know he’s the most important person to me.

The affair that he knew about from the beginning was discovered in Nov. 2020. It took place for 1 year. The second affair was discovered in July 2021. It was mostly emailing with occasional meetings. At that time, I disclosed all my "secrets" and came clean. I also shared that I had inappropriate conversations/pictures via email/social media/texting with 5 other men during the affair time.

I see this as 7 Affairs your Husband may count them the same way. You've indicated 1 was a long term affair of 1 year, what was the total time of all 7?

I have always been a rule follower and "good girl".

No, you have not. You're using this to resolve yourself of the quilt you say you have.

Your Husband worries because you've proved yourself to be great at lying and deceit. You've been good for 17 months, your Husband will require at lot more effort on your part to heal.

My husband has expressed that he feels "less than adequate" with his manhood and sex. I reassure him that what he and I experience together is NOTHING like what took place during the affair. My husband and I are very sexual, much more than I ever was during the affairs. I show him I desire him and repeatedly give him reassurance about his sexual performance. He thinks that our wonderful sex life is a result of what happened during the affairs.

If he doesn't trust you, Sex every hour is not going to restore his feeling of adequacy! He is going to require years of truth and honesty from you. You can be tracked on Life 360 and still be sending pics, texts etc.. this is what he worries about.

Your saying and doing a lot of the right things but 17 months after TT is too soon for him to be confident in your ability to remain loyal.

Hoping he can come to a place of peace and your marriage finds a chance to survive.

My advice is to be completely honest
And to bring up what you are learning about yourself and what you’re remorseful about.

I’m constantly in a state of "holding myself together" if my husband turned to me out of the blue without my provoking him in anyway and said, "iI am so sorry for what I have done……thank you for believing in me enough to reconcile." It would help me.

I will never trust him again and my life is forever changed.

I’m now just biting my tongue because really what’s the point- he knows he destroyed me.

He wants me to believe in love again and it will never happen again.

You destroyed him and depending on the person he might not heal.

I will never stop worrying.

Have you read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affairs" by Linda MacDonald?

It is a short read packed with tons of helpful information for wayward spouses. You can get a free PDF copy off the internet.

Twelve years out today....

My W ended her A and came clean on d-day. She hasn't told a lie since before she revealed her A. She started on d-day to show me she desired me. None of that prevented me from being a wreck when we were 17 months out.

My opinion:

You need to be true to yourself. You need to want to live a moral life for its own sake, not because you're afraid of getting caught doing something wrong or because you want to please your H (or someone else). To R, you need to want to be with your H. There's a lot more on the list. Your posts say you're doing the right things, and I believe you.

The only problem you've written about is that you want quicker results. That's common; it may be universal. I certainly wanted quicker results, and many people have posted here wanting quicker results. Recovering from betraying and being betrayed just takes longer than anyone thinks necessary.

The one thing I suggest is this: ask your H what you can do to help him. If he tells you something you're willing to do, do it. If you're unwilling, tell him and offer an alternative, if at all possible.

Don't try to read his mind - it's impossible. Do ask for what you want. Do ask him what he wants.

Keep doing what you're doing. If 17 months isn't enough time for your H to accept that you want him, maybe 34 months will be, and come to think of it, you'll both get a lot of pleasure along the way.

Be yourself. Look for healing and let D or R come from that. Have faith in yourself and your H to come to a good resolution.

Focus on doing the next right thing.

You need to come to terms with the fact that you no longer get the benefit of the doubt and that nothing you SAY is going to change that.

The only thing you can do is be consistent in your words and actions over an extended period of time.

What was your marriage like before the affair?

He wants our relationship to work. I've asked him to get counseling, but he won't. He did get counseling at the beginning but says it didn't do any good.

It's not fair that BS's have their own work to do in healing, but that's just the bottom line. You can certainly keep doing everything you've been doing and maybe someday things will get better. Typically, healing takes two to five YEARS, so you're still early in the process. Here's the thing though... we have BS's showing up here ten, twenty, even fifty years after the infidelity who are still experiencing pain and trauma because for whatever reason, they've failed to heal. It happens, and I'm sure you don't want to be that kind of statistic.

I do think it's very commendable for WS's to exercise patience and that doing so will improve your outcome if R is what you desire. But I also think that R shouldn't be a life sentence in purgatory for either party, BS or WS. The goal needs to be satisfaction for both of you.

You can't placate your way out of this situation. You've tried that for seventeen months and it hasn't worked. Without proper healing, this could still be your life in seventeen YEARS. I think if healing is stalled, it would be in both your interests to return to counseling.