SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There was always a glimmer that would pop into my heart. He hadn't married the AP and the divorce was finally final almost 6 years ago. Maybe he would acknowledge it was a mistake. Show up on my doorstep... I tried to put down that dam pipe but every so often I'd get a whiff of it's enticing smoke.

He died on Monday at 63 years old.

Maybe I can put a lot of things to rest. I had no interest in dating or meeting anyone. Went out to dinner one time with a gentleman. Just couldn't do it. That stinkin' vow kept popping into my head. Guess I can let that go and see where it takes me.

I was so hurt when he filed. I kept thinking how unfair. My life, built with him for nearly 35 years was ripped apart. Nobody shows up with casseroles when you get served like they do for a death. Well I am not getting casseroles now either. Obit says he was survived by his loving partner.

His “loving partner “ probably wrote it. He never married her though. I hope you can find some measure of closure.

Oh Ratpicker, I'm so sorry. Truth be told, I always carried a torch for my first husband, and hoped he would have turned up on my doorstep. He died 7 years after the divorce. He did marry his AP, and she absentmindedly forgot to list our children in his obituary. It all hurt so much because it was an official end. It also set me completely free. I think I would somehow always have been bound to him by my vows, but "til death do us part" changed things for me and I quit looking and hoping and finally started over. That was over 20 years ago. The anger finally evaporated. I can think about him now and smile, and remember the good times that the bad memories annihilated for that awful season. This too shall pass and you will have closure and healing for a broken heart.

That’s tough, RP. (((Hugs)))

((((Ratpicker)))))) Take good care of your self.

May he RIP.

You carried that torch for him long enough.

May you live in Peace from this moment forward 🙏🏼

I'm so sorry

I'm very sorry.

Anybody know if I have to pay back Monday's alimony? Is it paid forward or backwards? He had it set up on auto draft so it was paid a few hours before he died. I am guessing the AP will be the executor, won't be surprised if she asks for it.

I notified the military pay section of his death. Half his monthly pension gets deposited into my account. I don't want to have to pay that back. She was never involved during his 30 years of military service so she probably wouldn't know how to do it. I know I need to stay in my lane but I also have to look out for myself.

I am so sorry. Another one, I guess the final one, on a long list of really crappy things we end up with. It is still sad after so many years. You will still mourn all those years and 'good' memories, yet no one consoling you the way it should have been. Well, we feel for you and respect your loss. You deserve it. You were his 'real' partner/wife as far as I am concerned and I would send you flowers if I knew you--

As far as dating who knows --- till death was the vow so like you said, you can put that to rest. You are allowed to have fun with it:-)

Take care.

I am sorry RP. I feel sad for you. There has been a kind of psychological liberation for me since my XH died last October. I too was in a long marriage and took my vows seriously. I've been divorced 10 years and like you held a glimmer of hope that maybe he would say it was a mistake. It didn't happen of course. However, I am slowly feeling a release from all the hurt and pain that has lingered way too long. Something in the finality of dying and knowing there really is no going back now has helped my healing. The door is finally shut and though I am very sad for my adult children I am facing my future much more positively now. I hope you too will feel a release from your pain and suffering now.

I'm sorry for your lack of casseroles. It's not fair that when we grieve that death by a thousand cuts we never get the closure we need.

You are free now.

What is on your mind for your future as you move forward with your life? Can you add something new and fun to capture your attention?

Sending you a virtual (((Casserole))). A simple casserole isn't enough. I'm sorry you're feeling the finality of what's happened.

Take care of yourself and make sure you take the time to process it. What transpired may have brought previously buried feelings to the surface again. Thirty five years is a long time, and you don't just forget it all. It just settles into the crevices of your mind, and gathers dust until something disturbs the memories.

I am so sorry. I have an issue with hopium too. I harbor deeply the day he would at least say he screwed it all up and wished he hadn't. I also have a hard time moving on. I am you just years behind. I meant my vows as well. You deserve so much more as the W of so many years. You deserve the cards, the hugs, the casseroles, the sympathy, acknowledgement and support from others.

I hope it gives you some comfort, at least a little bit, that there are BS on here that understand where you are coming from even if the rest of the world does not.

I am sending you virtual hugs.

I'm sorry.

Obviously I can't completely understand because I haven't faced what you're feeling and going through but I get it on some level. This shit just never, ever, ever completely goes away. It sets up a permanent corner office in our heads and in our hearts.

I am sorry for both your loss and the circumstances. That has to be a special sort of hard.

I lost my husband and best friend this year to cancer. But I have 34 plus years of happy memories to fall back on. While you have all that pain of betrayal in your history to deal with.

Please accept my deepest condolences. Sending hugs and strength your way.

I'm so sorry, Ratpicker...I certainly understand the feeling of no casseroles when divorcing and I understand the feeling of no casseroles when they die after the divorce.

I don't know if this will help...I understand the situation is different. But my first XH died about 7 years ago - at 45 years old and in a very traumatizing manner. We had long been divorced and it had been a horrible marriage. I also lived in hiding for years afterward because he had been so abusive and dangerous. I understand that it was different because I had no hope or desire of EVER being back with him...so YMMV in this.

What I had not expected was the flood of emotions his death brought...things that I had never felt and were very conflicting given the circumstances. Not the least of which was anger. I had never realized just how badly he had treated me...or how that bad behavior had actually affected me. I guess for whatever reason I had just not really tapped into that - and perhaps that is the case with you, too. (As an aside, I know that I also haven't tapped into the deep anger that I likely also feel with current XH....some of us just don't do anger well - and I think that's often what makes the hopium so appealing.) The point of all of this is that after the anger finally surfaced and subsided, I felt relief and healing like I had never experienced before. Not just in the relationship but all throughout my life. It was like I was finally validating myself...and in that, I finally became free of all aspects of that past experience.

I know that we often say closure is overrated...but I do think it offers some unique value - even when it comes through what seems horrible ways. Casseroles or not, you still get to grieve this. However you need to, however long you need to. You get to grieve the loss of the marriage, the loss of the hope and hopium, the shitty obituary, the lost alimony - and even the damn potato salad that you don't really care about anyway. It doesn't have to make sense to anybody. It is my deepest wish for you that with this closure that you never wanted that you also find the closure that subsequently truly sets you free. Big hugs.

Thanks everyone! Your words & your casseroles helped. I had ordered copies of the death certificate from state vital records. They arrived on Monday. There are two pensions that were being split as part of divorce. But pensions end with the death. I am getting survivor benefits from annuity for both but I have to furnish the death certificate. Since I am the only one to benefit, no one else had done death notification & they need the death certificate. I thought I was done being his secretary- he fired me!

You can't apply for SS from former spouse online but the SS offices are all closed for face to face meetings due to Covid-19. They are doing phone meetings by appointment. So I have that tomorrow. I figured just get it all over with as fast as possible. It will take a couple months to get all of this set up to receive monthly payment. So it' a good thing I had some cash stashed for a rainy day, don't know what I would have done.