SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So, this happened Friday before Father's Day and then again this week and since this is impacting me more than I care to admit, I figured posting here might be cathartic.

Friday before Father's Day, XH was supposed to pick up DD17 from my house for his weekend. He decided he needed childcare for his youngest daughter, whom he conceived with OW before we were divorced, and so he dropped this child off at my house, lunch box and ipad for entertainment included. He did not have the courtesy to inform anybody until about being 15 minutes out from arrival time and 'surprised' DD17 with her babysitting duty. She literally had just gotten the text messages from her father upon waking up.

Thank God, DDs boyfriend had the quick mind to suggest a beach visit and ushered DD17 and affair child out of the house. Don't get me wrong; this little girl has gotten the raw end of the deal and I know better than to not ever treat her with kindness.

This week he asked for DD17 to babysit for several days at his house. No big deal but her car is in the shop and the drive to his house is over 1 hour each way, so not something you can easily Uber. His solution was for me to drop off DD17 and pick her up again, spending over 4 hours on the road for his convenience.

I finally lost it with him. WHO DOES THIS? It never changes, but the level of disrespect was really something I am struggling with.

I think it's okay for your daughter to set boundaries. If she agrees to babysit, the arrangements should be made like in any other babysitting job... there should be an agreed-upon time, and wages. This isn't like an intact family and watching a younger sibling for a few hours. Your WH chose to destroy your daughter's home. And now, he needs to respond to that decision with respect.

As far as involving you goes... I'd just tell him 'no'. He made his choices, now it's up to him to make his life work. You're not some kind of back-up wife appliance. Further, there's no way I'd have my 17 year-old daughter driving on her own an hour each way. I think teen drivers should have limits, regardless of whether they're good drivers or not. They're still amateurs. He's supposed to be her FATHER. He should be thinking about what's best for HER rather than what's convenient for him. I've got too many friends who have tragically lost their teenager on the road.

I'd say Boundaries all around. Your girl is still young, so it's likely to be uncomfortable for her to set them. But if she learns now, they'll serve her well her whole life.

Absolutely nope. Holy crap! Now is the time to make it clear, very calmly and in no uncertain terms, you will NEVER be involved in helping to care for his child, whether in your home with daughter in charge (which is legally under your care!) nor will you function as a babysitting chauffeur.

He needs to know he can NEVER again drop her at your house and put that responsibility on you EVER AGAIN. Nope. Nope. Nope. (can you tell this worked me up for some reason? :-).

If ex wants to pick your 17 year old and up drop off at a pre-determined wage that is set between the two of them, that is great. No driving, no child in your home. The nerve!!!

Thanks Chamomile on the teen driver insight. I am so nervous with a new one!! I will keep the long lone drive as a no-no in mind. I can't believe this jerk is asking his daughter to drive this either.

you and your daughter need boundaries. you continue to let that prick step all over you and you get that type of treatment. Stop being his wifey/mommy. Let him babysit his own damn child. Period.

You can say that he never changes. BUT YOU NEED TO LOOK AT YOURSELF and say, damn, he also figured out that Fraeeken never changed from being a pushover either. Time to pull up those boot straps and learn to stand up for yourself. No one ever will. And your daughter is learning from you. You don't want her being your exH go to babysitter either. You need to change yourself.

You need to work with your daughter on standing up to her dad. In a respectful way.

Dad I’m sorry but I cannot babysit today. You and I were scheduled to spend time together and that does not include me being obligated to babysit. Sorry but I prefer to stick to the original plan for us. Example 1

Dad sorry I cannot babysit on such short notice. Maybe some other time. Example 2

Dad sorry I cannot babysit on X date. I have plans already. Example 3

And when he argues or pushes back you teach your daughter to just say “sorry I can’t dad”. Not disrespectful. And if he rages she ends the call or contact. By supporting her you are teaching her that she has rights and can stand up for herself in a respectable way.

fraueken: How does your DD feel about babysitting her? How does she feel about her overall? What is their R like?

A lot of that would play into how I would respond. Meaning, your DD and this half-sibling are already dealing with a lot from all the fall-out. If they appear to have the making of a good relationship, then that is the best outcome.

Right now her father is putting her in an awful position (whatta azz!!!). He KNEW she was available that Friday before Father's Day cause it was going to be his time!!! What if she wasn't even home? Was he just doing to dump that poor child on your doorstep? Honest to Pete - THESE PEOPLE!!!!!

I would work with your DD on her feelings about all of this and things she can say when he springs stuff on her. Once think I learned from SI is not to knee-jerk respond. She can tell him "Let me check and I will get back to you" to buy her some time.

As for the several days at his place - how does she normally get there? Does she typically drive? Or does he come for her?

Um, didn't he fire you from that job??? FUCKER!!!!!

No big deal but her car is in the shop and the drive to his house is over 1 hour each way, so not something you can easily Uber. His solution was for me to drop off DD17 and pick her up again, spending over 4 hours on the road for his convenience.

Triggered some memories of all the driving I had to do for exWW who had a license but didn't want to drive. Idiots who don't respect you or your time.

Sorry, but where was the little girls mother?

I understand your two girls share a father, but not a mother.

I would never ever take on that responsibility. What if the child is injured in your home?

Surely the OW has other options.

It infuriated me when I learned that STBXWH drove exAP’s children around in my car and his, which I own both. The liability had he had an accident with 3 children in the back. My STBXWH is a terrible driver and had several accidents during and after that affair. Not to mention that he has lost his drivers license several times during our marriage and is on brink of loosing driving privileges again.

Some good advice here. I might be inclined to babysit. I charge 60 hr. I bill hourly. The good scotch is expensive you know...