SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hoping to hear of some strategies of dealing with the insecurity of being burned, twice and new relationships. I don’t know if the current quarantine situation in Australia has heightened things for me, or if it’s my past relationship traumas causing this, but how do you let yourself trust again?

Current situation- I’ve fallen in love with someone I’ve known for a long, long time. We were friends as teenagers, and worked together. Dating for the last six months, and our kids have only recently met and get along well. Everything has been a positive.

Due to the quarantine restrictions and having to homeschool our kids, we’ve been spending a lot of time together, he’s basically stayed at my place for the last two weeks. Now that we’ve both returned to work and his sons at his mothers again, he told me yesterday that tonight he’s planning on going to his place and staying there to get some work done, without the distractions of me or the kids. I’m fine with this.

However, I’ve spent most of the day trying to stamp on the thoughts that he’s cheating on me, and he’s planned a hook up for tonight... he has given me absolutely no reason to even suspect this, no gut feelings, no red flags. I’m wondering if it’s because we have spent so much time together recently and if It has become my new normal to have him around, and I’m going to miss him that’s making me this way. I also dont want to self sabotage myself by letting these thoughts get the better of me, and I become irrational. I can’t expect him to make up for the sins of others, and I’m actively working on this with my therapist, but I can’t see her at the moment, due to COVID-19.

Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated, and thanks for reading if you have made it this far.

Hi Charlie!

I’ve known for a long, long time. We were friends as teenagers

You have a rare advantage of knowing this person for a long time outside of a R with them.

What is their character like? Their integrity? etc?

I kept reminding myself to judge my new partners on what they showed me...NOT what my ex did.

I’ve only ever known him to be a stand up guy, EvenKeel. As teenagers he always showed me the utmost respect. In our ‘working relationship’, he was supportive and respectful of his team. He and his ex wife get along really well for their sons sake.

I know he’s at good guy’, but I suppose I’m worried I’m his ‘post break up freak out’. We are in the first relationship he’s had since his marriage dissolved 2 years ago.

I don't know the answer to your question on how to get over the insecurity but it sounds from what you said that you lucked out and got a good one but bouncing off of what EvenKeel said, since you asked----

More things you can ask yourself; what kind of stories does he tell? What is important to him? Does he ever tell white lies? How does he treat others when you are together, and then what does he say about them to you after the fact? Also, what does he say the reason for his divorce was? After you answer these, does he still appear stand-up, or is that only on the surface?

I hope this is the real deal:-)

If he continues to be distant you have your answer. He really might just need some alone time. Here’s the deal. Give it a couple of days and then if things go back to normal let them. If you feel somethings “off” have a conversation. Adults talk things out. My husband used golf. I read. Everybody needs down time. Some more than others.

he told me yesterday that tonight he’s planning on going to his place and staying there to get some work done, without the distractions of me or the kids

Based on what you know his personality historically, I would believe what he says.

It is a very grown up thing to be able to say "I just need some alone time". Some people require very little of it, others (me) require way more.

If he has been in quarantined house for two weeks with kiddos....he probably does need some time.

I suppose I’m worried I’m his ‘post break up freak out’

And what if you are? Doesn't mean it is not for the long haul.

Chances are way better with someone who you have known for a long time and know their character.

Try to just sit back and enjoy this stage. Six months is still very early and you are just now introducing kiddos, etc. Try to just enjoy - watch actions vs words, etc.

And lastly, if this R does not work out. You WILL be ok. You are a strong, independent person. You can work through it and come out stronger. We got ya!

A week later and I’ve so far succeeded in not letting it get to me. And I’ve myself asked for some time out. Having kids full time due to covid 19 and not being able to do very much I’m suffering from cabin fever.

I trust him, I’m at that point now where I’m trying to find a way to express to him that my past hurts are unfortunately still affecting me, and if he can bear that. I don’t want to self sabotage because I let this get to me.

Thanks for the replies though. Any other strategies or personal experiences greatly appreciated. Infidelity makes it so hard to trust anything, and even when you think you’ve worked on it enough to trust yourself again, the fear of loosing what you’ve found after makes it so much harder.

Well a few weeks have gone by, and I can’t shake my anxiety/paranoia, and I was so messed up by the gaslighting done by my ex I don’t know if this is gut or general anxiety because of lockdown.

A close friend has told me it’s because I’m afraid of loosing him and I’m going to push him away if I let this get a hold of me.

I’m thinking I’m not ready and it’s going to end, because I have more self work to do. As much as I believe him, and any time I’ve questioned him he’s answered truthfully (it’s how it feels anyway), I’m so confused by what I’m experiencing.

Just had to get it out

A close friend has told me it’s because I’m afraid of loosing him

Long ago when I was first M, I had a strong feeling my new H was going to die suddenly/prematurely. I just believed it to my core.

My counselor told me that is my body's defense mechanism already preparing me for him leaving (due to my FOO issues).

She was right. We are long D and he is still alive.

This might be what is going on with you. You are already preparing yourself.

The good news is - you know you can handle anything that comes your way (good or bad).

Have you been able to see your therapist yet? Does she offer phone sessions?

Maybe you feel you just aren't really ready yet for this R? There is no harm in taking some time off if you need to. If this person is meant to be; it will work out.

Thanks for replying EvenKeel.

I’ve ‘seen’ my therapist vis phone and she has suggested I try some anti-anxiety meds, she’s also suggested I try to work out why I’m insisting on throwing out the baby with the bath water. On the possibility he may cheat, and he may not. I’m struggling with taking the meds, due to them seeming to ‘drown out’ my gut feeling, and making it easier for Exhusband to gaslight me whilst in False R.

I’m really struggling now. Boyfriend is 3 days into a possible 14 day isolation due to the possibility of being exposed to Covid-19. My brain is ticking over, wondering if it’s so he can play around for a few days. He’s given me absolutely no reason to believe anything is amiss.

I can’t win. I know I can get thru it if I find out that’s the case, but I would rather know now than later when our lives are completely entangled.