SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You’re not walking away early, you’re walking away after months of watching her continue the affair in real time. If anything, the greater regret tends to come from staying too long in a situation that keeps hurting you.

Ding ding ding ding! Perfectly said 🤌

I always say that you have to deal with the person who is standing in front of you today.

She may have been a fantastic wife in the past, but how can that possibly detract to what she is doing today? She is ripping your heart out. I don't necessarily believe that she is this master manipulator who is walking you around by puppet strings, and I absolutely believe that she was blindsided when reality started to hit her. But what she has done, instead of trying in the least bit to acknowledge the pain that you are in, is to put herself first....as usual....for the last couple of years. From what you describe, it even goes back much longer than that. Instead of realizing that you were sacrificing(as couples that work as a team often do) by putting her needs first so she could caregive, she instead focused on herself, and decided to put herself first....although she had been doing that for a looooong time prior, I would bet.

How on Earth do you shit where you eat, especially on something that was so important to her, unless you are that selfish, reckless, and oblivious to everything outside your immediate world? And to double down when given the choice of her 18 year marriage or her 2 year career, tells you just how off her compass is at this point in her life.

And this is the person that you have to deal with. The one standing in front of you.

I do not see how this could work. She has made it clear that her job takes priority over you and the family. On top of that she refuses to leave the job/sell her interest in the business. On top of ALL of that, she still communicates with her AP AND she's going to travel with him!

You will be a wreck the first time she says she has to go on a business trip. No matter how she tries to convince you that nothing will happen you are going to rightfully believe something will.

If you are not each other's number one priority the relationship is broken.

Please do not put yourself thru this torture. Continue with your divorce plan. If she does a 180 and agrees to leave the company then m a y b e you have a chance of R. But as long as she continues to work there, have contact with him, travel with him, you are going to be miserable.

ETA: I posted in your other thread that I think there's a possibility that she (and her AP) are stalling for time to get their ducks in a row. Please do not let her dictate YOUR timeline. Her priorities are the business, her AP, then you and the kids.

Every time my wife mentions the woman she shares an office with I am reminded of her affair because, according to my wife, her female coworker directed the AP's attention towards my wife. I think it's fabricated BS but nonetheless I am reminded.

[This message edited by WB1340 at 5:36 AM, Saturday, September 12th]

Soon2B,

I first want state how sorry I am that you are being abused in this fashion. The mental and emotional anguish are unspeakable.

Couple questions and comments....

Question: You mentioned that when you said you wanted divorce, only then did she seem to awakened to the consequences. Do you really think those "consequences" are truly related to your marriage? I am asking you to consider the possibility that those consequences could be more related to what she potentially may lose with respect to her start-up company?

I mean, the courts technically could rule that 50% of her stake in the company is actually yours and she would have to come up with equity to pay you. That is a real world consequence she may not want to face.

The reason I say this is because the relational issues that you are suffering do not seem to be moving the needle in her mind and heart. In other words, she has not tried to make changes to mitigate the consequences already apparent.

The next item is related to how you said something to affect that you cannot stand to see her cry....and when you do you have to comfort her.

I get that, I really do. And under normal relationship circumstances that would be wonderful. But really friend, she is your enemy right now. She has betrayed your love, your trust, your vows, and much more. And she continues to disrespect you.

And she sees you comforting her. This is dangerous. You really must flip the matrix with which you evaluate and react to her.

She is clear she will not go NC. And she has still been confiding in him emotionally. Her affair is ongoing.

She is not safe.

There is a woman out there who would chose you friend.

💪

You asked if there is any precedent for recovering a marriage while the two affair party still works together.

I am about to get absolutely publicly pilloried for my take on this, but the answer is "of course, yes".

I have no doubt that there are instances where two people who had an affair as coworkers went on to recover their marriages and also keep their jobs and interactions on a professional level after exposure.

The question of "no contact forever" wasn’t around 50 years ago. What used to happen is the female would get fired, the end, if they were caught at work. I suppose this is version of no contact.

As time changed, I think the idea of no contact seems to have evolved, maybe around the 1990’s when it was more well known and prescribed as one component to recovery and reconciliation. I don’t have any studies to offer you, but my personal experience of living with a cheater since 1975. So each time, when I needed help on this, the counseling changed. Back around the late 1990’s and early 2000’s, there emerged a "meet one another’s needs" philosophy on this, blaming infidelity on a failure to meet the needs of your spouse, so they cheated. It delineated all sorts of needs, and was popularized by a book called His Needs, Her Needs.

There are still websites that recommend this "needs" approach, but they seem to be dwindling from the levels of 2005 when I was looking for help then.

The larger question is "what are the odds that my spouse has the moral fortitude to finally stand up and forever do the right thing, even when tempted, even when upset, even when opportunity knocks?" In my case, I found that fortitude after a really bad decision in 1976 and a ONS. In my husband’s case, he did not, because he has had seven affair partners over the course of our marriage.

And because he did not, the coworker from long ago contacted him, they started talking "as friends", and they began an affair again.

Which do you think is more common?

I do have a question.

Have you and your wife given any consideration to trying to buy out the OM?

This could leave her the business and get rid of him.