Gr8ful-
You are misunderstanding —- I don’t know her.
Gemmy is saying he is in pain and he is attached to her and this is hard to detach.
I was only supporting him—encouraging him to detach and affirming him. A bs, regardless of what they plan to do about the marriage often still loves their spouse. They feel shame for doing so—-but it’s natural it doesn’t die immediately. Most people, even cheaters, are more things that just rotten to the core. I am sure he sees her doing things for the kids, for him, around the house that still feels familiar, things that are good. I am basically saying "you have nothing to be ashamed of for feeling this way" while encouraging him not to invest in her right now. She has a lot of work to do if he is to choose that route in the future.
But I am encouraging him to detach. I am telling him that she needs to do the work, that he needs to lean into the other parts of his life and focus on his wants and needs.
It seems like many people latch on to my commiseration/compassion as "yeah you should love them and stay". I don’t usually root for any particular marital outcome and when I do it’s the "clearly you should divorce this person". That doesn’t happen often, but it’s about the only time I tell people what I think they should do with their marriage.
I simply understand the complexity involved when the bs is still in limbo. There is a process that most bs simply can’t just skip over. But if you really pay attention to my posts you will find they are all pretty much variations of "work on your individual healing, the rest will wait for you. These feelings are normal." because getting equilibrium back after being sucker punched is fucking hard.
[This message edited by hikingout at 7:59 PM, Wednesday, July 29th]
