SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi All,

I have not shared my story yet. I am not comfortable with details, so I will (try to) keep it brief and focus on my actions rather than the A itself.

The A was last year, it spanned over approx 6 months, meetings were limited. No sex of any kind – a line I actively did not cross(yes to kissing, and briefly touching on 2 occasions) Massive amount of lies and gaslighting though.

At the end of October last year, I was confronted (again) by my BS. I confessed and went immediately no contact (in truth, I was already stopping everything). From there, in the span of 3 weeks, I left my job (the AP was a co-worker). I admit I needed some pushing in quitting, but nevertheless in 3 weeks I was gone.

I trickle-truthed all the way to the beginning of April. It was a random trickle-truthing, not always hiding the worst stuff.

I finally went into radical honesty mode this month.

I therefore confessed something else I had not thought in years and that happened at the very beginning of our relationship (over 12 years ago). After 4 months we were together, I slept with my ex bf. It was a one off thing. I regretted it immediately (we stopped straight-away). I can't remember anymore if that happened during a brief break-up between me and my current H or just days before we broke up (it was a brief break-up, we went back together after 2 weeks. And have been together ever since). Obviously, I took the responsibility for a full betrayal.

At the time, I made the decision not to disclose this event. I grew-up in an environment where these things would be labelled as "mistakes" and the right thing to do would be to take the secret to the grave and never disclose it. Because disclosing it would be just to clean one's conscience. I never thought about that event until a few weeks ago, after I read the post about "Keeping secrets".

In hindsight, I think that is where my "story" actually started and where I could have changed it. I feel if I had disclosed it back then, regardless of the outcome of the relationship, I may not have been a cheater today and my BS would not be suffering this much.

The two events are not really related and the circumstances were totally different, but I think the behavioural pattern is obvious.

Many years ago, we were at the very beginning of our story and it had been a rocky one - I had left my ex for my H. I was consumed by guilt for leaving my ex for another guy.

Last year, I was completely unhinged. Several years married, young children. I blamed the M for my frustration, I was exhausted by everything, I felt like a hamster in a wheel. The AP was an experienced wayward (although I didn't see it at first) and he played his cards well. I am not blaming him, I am the one who traumatised my BS.

As my BS said, if I had said the truth many years ago, perhaps now he would be with someone else and spared by last year betrayal.

We are still under the same roof, although things don't look well at the moment.

I am committed to change, I have embraced radical honesty and I am all in to do whatever it takes to save my family. Ultimately, I don’t want my children to take after me.

I can't pinpoint the deeper "whys" yet, but I know I have deep flaws. I have started therapy.

I know it is my duty to take the lead, to repair the wrongdoings I have done. I want to.
But some days, like today, I feel completely drained. I live in a hell of my own doing and I have dragged my family in it.
Last year I struggled with mental health and exhaustion. I come from years of sleep deprivation because of young children.

I am not the victim, I am well aware.
But my feelings are still here. And I can’t really talk to anyone.
I am not looking for empathy and I am not "sorry for myself" (in a self-indulgent way).
Any advice on how to "buckle-up" and be strong for my family? I am not always in this state, today is a particularly tough one.
Is it normal feeling this way? Again, I know I made my made and now I should lie in it. I don’t want to escape that. I just wish I had more strength.

LS,

I think you have to acknowledge to your BH that kissing is sex more intimate in some ways than actual genital sex.

If in your marriage kissing had lost passion and intensity then this can make your BH burn.

There is also a chance you contracted some oral STD since this OM may have been playing other women at the same time, keep checking for oral HPV related cancer.

Why did you have to quit and not OM was he a manager or such?

Hello-

So here is my theory- lot of what is draining you is there are internal beliefs you have about yourself that are not helpful.

What I mean by this is you already feel to your core you are bad. Likely this started somewhere in your youth and has snowballed ever since. So admitting things you have done is like confessing this to them and that is too painful for you to bear. These things you have done you feel represents the true you and you have learned somewhere that is not something you should show.

Ther is a great book called Rising String by Brene Brown that helped me understand this about myself and how I have been blocking my connection with others and helped me get I the path to integrate the idea we are all dark and light and we have been feeding the dark due to our core beliefs.

In fact this was so strong in me that when people were mad at me or judging me I felt exposed. It was like more people to know my terrible secret that I am a horrible person.

So my suggestion, which will seem very irrelevant to what you are dealing with is to try and remind yourself that there are lots of parts of you, and each day think of recent examples where you are the person you are hoping to become more fully.

Kindness you have given others. Having and keeping that commitment to yourself to tell the full truth. The more you do this the more good you will do. And as that happens you need to understand your behaviors more fully. Some self compassion can be gained in that. You may not forgive your actions but understanding them helps disassemble the narrative that you currently have of yourself. Therapy will help with that- but you have to commit to it regardless of the status of your relationship.

Letting go of the outcome is almost impossible or at first, but when you are in a place you know you have to change for you, and not just to save the relationship. You have to anchor yourself in that and do the best at the same time to communicate with and support your husband.

So to break it down:

1. Building a good personal recent history by honoring your commitments.

2. Seeing and leaning into your light (goodness).

3. Working diligently on self discovery and self awareness.

4. Anchoring yourself in your recovery being for and about you. Something you want with alll your heart.

5. Help your husband. Read how to help my spouse heal, not just friends. I reccomend reading here a lot because reading the forums helped me understand the trauma my husband was trying to navigate. Just remind yourself his feelings are normal and also he will be up and down a lot

6. Try and stay present and in your body. Spend time during the day in some sort of meditation. Not the cross your legs and clearing your mind kind. The kind where you quietly observe your thoughts and start realizing those are lying to you. There are lots of resources out there on distorted thinking. Catasophizing was huge for me and very draining. Negative self talk needs to be carefully revised. Our thoughts are huge in this process.

7. Gratitude practice - this one killed me when I was told to do it. My world was falling apart and you want me to find things I am thankful for? It’s probably one of the best things you can do for your brain to lean into optimism. Studies show in 21 days or so you can start re wiring your brain.

You are divinely lived and inherently worthy. You need to find ways to believe that and love yourself. I don’t mean that in a lean into selfishness way- I mean it in the way that it’s what every single thing we do and say and think flows from.

That’s a lot, but google some of it and even following a recovery program can be helpful because a lot of the things in those programs are about learning better coping mechanisms and having boundaries on your energy and all sorts of things.

Also you may decide to post here with a stop sign. It’s helpful to get bs perspectives but if you are feeling weak, you may want to wait until you are feeling stronger to invite them into your posts.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:45 PM, Wednesday, April 29th]

Hikingout - thank you. Thank you. I am truly grateful for your comment.

I bought "Rising strong" 2 days ago, after I saw you mentioning it in another thread.

Many (if not all) of the things you wrote resonate deeply.

The exposure I feel when someone (particularly my BS) is upset with / criticise me is so rough. I feel so triggered and difensive, shutting myself down. I am only at the beginning of "Rising strong", but it made me see this part of me straight away (although I am still scraping the surface).

During these past months (after first DDay) I sometimes told BS to have moments of "truce" because I couldn’t handle it anymore. It wasn’t that I was hoping to escape the aftermath of my actions. I am "ready" for that. It’s more that my instinctive reaction to him / close ones being (rightly so) upset / angry at me is "they are crushing me, I am being crushed". Even when I think I deserve that and I acknowledge the other party is right.

This is just a small part of the overall picture. But it’s something it has always been in me and I could never see.

Needless to say, I betrayed when I was in a difficult period mentally.

Thank you for all the advice. I will try to practise what you said.

I do feel a deeply bad person right now. It’s like the lid has been taken off, and I see only a pattern of selfish and arguable behaviour throughout all my life.

I am not saying this in a self-pity way. Just a fact. It’s really one of those days.