SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband had a 12 week affair with someone he met at a reunion. Gaslit me extensively for that time and moved in with her and her children, all while denying he was doing anything more than having a good time with some old friends. He broke up with me during one of his spells back at home but denied he had met anyone. I only found out because he was very open with mutual friends of ours and expected them to keep his secret which they couldn't after seeing me struggle with sudden changes in help with childcare. He denied initially and then suddenly admitted a very minor affair and wanted to come home. He was still on the mortgage and had nowhere to go so I felt I couldn't deny him. I emphasised we were over but he could still be nearby to be a dad.
A week later his mistress got in touch with me. Full blown affair from the first night, weekends away, he was with her the night my dad had a serious operation. What I'm struggling with now is dealing with her for those few days to get some sort of truth my husband wasn't willing to provide has felt as damaging as the affair. She knew an extraordinary amount of intimate detail about me, she shared sexual information about them I didn't want to know, shared all their intimate texts which I only managed to read two before deleting them. I knew it was probably hurting me but he wouldn't tell me anything and at that point the truth felt so important.
We aren't back together and yet I find her words so intrusive and damaging. Has anyone else had experience of dealing with the affair partner? I feel it was malicious and I almost want to respond to her and put her in her place. She still felt it was ok two months after to casually reach out to both of us. But also don't think being drawn back into their triangle will benefit me in the long run. Just a conflict between protecting my mental safety and wanting justice.

Best way to get from crazy is to head the other direction…

As-is the AP seems to think your husband is the prize. That you two might be competing over him. So don’t compete… If she contacts you just tell her you aren’t interested, that he’s free to do what he wants and if that involves being with her then hooray for him. But that you don’t have any interest in knowing anything more about it.

He was still on the mortgage and had nowhere to go so I felt I couldn't deny him. I emphasised we were over but he could still be nearby to be a dad

So what’s your next step? You call him husband, so I guess there is a formal marriage behind all this. Divorce in the UK is pretty straightforward and you should be able to see how things will go. While it’s all being processed he can continue paying his share of the cost of the family (mortgage included) while residing elsewhere. Didn’t seem too focused on dad-of-the-year for the 12 weeks spent with OW.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

On the one hand if you were getting the trickling of truth, the AP reaching out giving you more facts gives you information we all greatly need in order to decide what we want to do. If the way she shared the information was malicious/arrogant, then in my opinion you should resist putting her in her place. If she didn't care entering into a relationship with a married man, she doesn't care how you feel; and it will probably just boost her ego up even more that she got under your skin. Every day for awhile, I wanted to call my wife's AP and let him have it; but I did not want to give him the satisfaction.

You got information from the AP you weren't getting from your husband; take that info and start your journey to recovery. Reaching out, blasting her, putting her in your place likely won't give you the satisfaction you think it does; especially if she responds arrogantly.

Find a really good trauma/infidelity therapist and talk to them about all these feelings including reaching out to the AP. I had a long conversation with my therapist about how so much of my anger was pointed to the AP and we worked on healthy ways of channeling that anger and releasing him from my thoughts.

Take good care of yourself physically as well as mentally. Eating/drinking water may seem like a challenge, but try to eat, drink water, and get some sleep. (easier said than done I know).

On top of taking care of yourself, try journaling. I never thought it would help, but when I sat down and got all the horrible thoughts out of my head and onto paper it was liberating. I would journal to myself, then I would journal to my wife and let her read what I wanted her to read. That helped remove some of the fog she was in and show her in writing how distraught I was.

I'm rooting for you. Please keep posting if you need assistance and you're about to get a lot more replies with great advice.

[This message edited by baseball33 at 5:37 PM, Monday, April 27th]

In limbo. He has nowhere to go. What he did is not a good optic in our smallish community and he didn't hide what he did particularly well so his friends have disappeared. He's pulling the mental health card saying he must have been crazy to do everything he did and isn't well. All the savings spent on a flash new car while he was there that he won't sell. I'm trying to limit the fallout on the kids but every time I try have a constructive discussion he crumples.

hcg1553 - I'm so sorry you're going through this, but this is one of the best places to find as you are. There are many caring people who have been through this here and who will give you advice and support. This site itself is an excellent resource and there are recommendations for books, etc. So you WILL get help and caring here for this nightmare that's been thrust upon you.

As for the specific problem right now, you probably already know this, but let me confirm it. This woman does not mean you well. She's not trying to be kind or helpful or informative. She doesn't feel sorry, blah blah. Her info may be very useful at this point and that's what I'd take it for, especially if he's been lying and gaslighting as he has. You can't rely on him for the truth and it's good that you have people around you who WILL tell you the truth about his actions.

I haven't been through this with an AP, but the motives are not good. It could be many things - she could be pissed off that he's not with her, or maybe he IS still seeing her and she's pissed that he's still with you, to whatever extent, maybe there's someone else too besides her, or before her. Don't be too sure she's the only one because his behavior sounds extreme from the get go - not only deserting you and your kids, but doing it at a time when your dad is very sick is extremely bad behavior. You say it's over and I think that's the right decision because I don't know how people come back from this shit and I don't think they should. There is massive disrespect and disregard here. Putting your foot down and your needs and life first IS the best way to move forward. Infidelity like this is a massive sign of disrespect and to me, other personality and behavioral issues as well - I don't think abandoning your family, even for months, is something people do in isolation of other traits and behaviors. It's a really, really shitty thing to do and it says something very basic about him - NOT YOU.

As for her, I think she served her purpose for you, in letting you know how bad things were and how much they were involved, what they were doing, kind of an inside look into how he REALLY views you and your marriage - because it sounds like he has shut down with you. You're right, she is doing this out of malice, she's trying to hurt you, and maybe him too, but I think you have all the info you need now, I don't think there's anything more useful she can tell you, and I would cut off all contact with her. It's not gonna help you or give you anything else you might need, she's doing it to hurt you and maybe him, I would just cut her off now and not talk to her or engage with her again. It's not going to get you anything else. He might take up with her again, but...you'd be in the same place you are now so why bother. You know what you need to know and it showed you a lot about HIM. She may not be telling the truth about everything....but it's enough.

At this point, I'd move forward with a divorce, you could try recon, but that goes on for years and I don't think most people heal from this kind of treatment and why bother. You've seen what he really thinks of you through his behavior, that's not gonna change. Actions matter, not talk. Talk to a lawyer and find out what divorce looks like for you and be guided by him or her. You might interview a few if it's a free or cheap consultation and find who you're most comfortable with. You could also look into counseling for yourself if that is practical and affordable, but do share what you're going through with at least 1 person you trust. Your husband will continue to gaslight you. You will have to work out living situations because...I'm sure you don't want to continue living with this jerk, and custody, etc. It's a lot, it can be overwhelming, but I firmly believe it is the best solution for most people because you cannot live with disrespect and lies.

So I would ignore her going forward, cut her off, just write down or record what she told you so you don't forget in case it could be useful, and just move forward. I'd also get a full STD panel because you don't know what he might be passing on and this can lead to serious illness. So do get that for yourself. And don't have sex with him or pay attention to any love bombing or bullshit he flings at you when he realizes that there will be COSTS involved here. I would not tell him anything you are doing - do what you do quietly and don't discuss with him. YOU take charge of YOUR life and present him with finished products. THIS IS YOUR LIFE - HE HAS NO RIGHT TO RUIN IT. Set down your boundaries and stick to them.

Others may disagree with me or have other insights, so do keep coming back and know we all wish you well and people here have many different experiences. Don't engage with AP again though - her usefulness to you is over. You know what you know and you know what it means. More will only hurt more because that's her intention. Good luck!

Thank you so much everyone for the replies. Sometimes it's hard to see the wood for the trees. It's not just the emotional fallout and stability to deal with. Kids still need looking after and I can't miss any more work and life carries on and then the million thoughts bounce around in your head constantly. So I really appreciate the reinforcement.

hcg1553 - I'm an old lady so let me just share maybe some little thing that might help. There's all kind of trouble that we go through in life, whether family trouble, or marriage trouble, or child trouble, financial trouble, health trouble, work trouble. But no matter what it is, there's one phrase that serves all times and troubles: This too shall pass. No matter what it is, it's always true. I hope when things seem difficult for you and maybe you don't see the way forward, that maybe this sentence will return for you. The most important thing, I think, is to stay true to YOURSELF and to the way of life you want to have and preserve. The tough times don't last forever, and you WILL get through this!

In my experience and from what I’ve learned is that AP’s lie just as much as the cheater. They enjoy sticking the knife in simply because you have something they want, they want to be chosen and win, when they’re not it’s because of you.

I know all too well about justice, it actually feels like a need sometimes doesn’t it.

Choosing to seek justice will make her feel chosen, most people like her enjoy all attention whether positive or negative, they thrive on being the victim. Don’t waste your energy giving her what she wants.

Focus on yourself and your children.

Thanks Bruce123. I know I will be true to what my core values and do what's right because I'm mature and family first. Everything you say is so true. She thinks she's the victim and she was played by my husband. But the level to which she inserted herself into a marriage and the damage she inflicted when he left is telling of how malicious she is as a human being. And he was so weak he just let her. Just all quite disturbing. She collated all my text messages for his solicitor in case there was information for him to get custody ( there was nothing, just texts of confusion from me ). She used that information in the messages from me about dates I was struggling with childcare to manipulate his time. She relayed a lot of very intimate sexual detail about me back to me and pointed out what she would do that I wouldn't. Pointed out times in that 12 weeks that she had visible influence on things happening in my home and I didn't know she existed, from present suggestions for my daughter from my husband to how much he should pay the babysitter. Helped him file for the divorce ( which he rescinded ) so that the date of reply was Christmas Eve. All his text messages to her collated for rapid send to me. They were as bad as each other - I'm not minimising his part in it. I just hate that someone can do all this to my family for selfish gain and then get to play the victim card. And hate that I just had to endure that and not responding and feeling like a bit of a doormat is still undeniably the least damaging option. What makes one person think they are entitled to do that to another?

hcg1553:

Very sorry you are going through this. You have been treated very cruelly. Sending strength and support. My feeling is that the AP, although cruel and malicious, did not make any vows to you. Your WH did. He’s a grown man, spouse and father, who deliberately decided to betray his BW and family. The AP could have been anyone. What is he doing to establish that he is deserving of being your partner? What is he doing to address his brokenness that would allow him to cheat. Always value yourself. You deserve a partner who loves you and is committed to you. Someone you can trust. What type of role model is he for his children. You seem strong and level-headed. You will get through this. Good luck.

Thanks for the insights.
He is in therapy and starting meds for adhd which he says was a contributing factor. He is focused on the causes but won't consider the impact of his actions.
As to his parenting he has always done the basics. Cook when asked, pick up from school. I'm more the glue so I do the everyday and try to make happy memories for the kids like birthday parties and Christmas and making sure we try have lots of experiences together.
I have a young son who adores his dad because they play a lot of computer games together and a preteen daughter who sadly was exposed to the affair before I knew but was called a liar when he tried to cover his tracks. And she detests him. I fear that relationship will never be recovered and he is making little attempt to recover it because he is horrified by his actions now.
I know the best way forward for me and the kids is to get proceedings rolling and focus on a stable future. The financial impact will be big as he has spent all the savings and he may lose his job soon. Just some moments the anger towards them both is overwhelming and the thought that she's sitting in a massive property ( she is apparently very wealthy ) with her victim crown on when her and my WH caused very real damage makes me want to spell out the impact of her actions to her. But I won't. My energy is better focused on working on that better future for me and the kids.

I never dealt with the Affair Partner because it would lead to a very late Abortion...

Usually the AP are rats, your partner chooses them because they are morally bankrupt enough to roll in the mud with them and your partner feels they are low value so they feel like having the upper hand in this relationship (usually cheaters suffer from low self worth).

So that she was being shitty with you is unsuprising.

Also consider, AP and Cheaters are from the same fabric. So the AP is low self worth, if she can get a one up with you that would make her low self worth as a woman get an ego boost.

About women AP, I saw the behavior you described few times already, seems women AP actually kind of seek validation in confronting the betrayed wife for ego boost, that doesn't seem as likely with male AP because ... late stage abortion risks.

Consider this: she is the dump of your worthless husband to get his ego boos feeling superior to a partner.

She knows that too.

That's why she tries to hurt you, so she can feel like a woman and not a rat (by being a sordid worm, but hey... not a rat at least... win win I guess?).

That said, is not just a pep talk to make feel you better, is the reality.

You are not in competition with her, a low value woman can never match a woman.

The moron is your husband because he thinks very low of himself and does not realize the luck he had in meeting you.

Right now, to hell with the AP, the only useful stuff you get is that what she told you to hurt you and feel better about herself, will also unmask all the bullshit lies your husband tells you.

It gives you clarity, is a weapon you can use, to protect yourself and see your husband for who he truly is.

Right now you must heal your wounds sister. Put yourself first, do not shut down your emotions, you can share here and be heard.

If you need advice you will get plenty of solid ones here as well.

It's not okay, but you are stronger than what you feel now. I am with you.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 7:18 AM, Tuesday, April 28th]

Thank you Backfromthestorm. I needed to hear that.

I guess the whole situation dug up my own insecurities. He's from an affluent background. I am not. And while I always thought I was secure in my values around worth not being linked to wealth this situation showed me perhaps I'm not as strong in that as I thought. The fact that he chose to have an affair with a fellow public school monied friend has knocked me.
But you're so right. She's low worth. Public school and money clearly hasn't given her any values or morals I aspire to have.

hgc,

money, appearance, personality, emotional state, health, whatever.

They are all excuses the cheater uses to justify something really bad, an abuse towards their partner, and allow them to further indulge or not feeling guilt for what they chose to do.

There is no excuse, they are thrown at you because they know they wronged you horribly, instead of remorse for seeing your suffering, they will shift the blame onto you, hitting you more so you will completely collapse and not present them the mirror where they can see a truly ugly reflection, because they can't stand it.

You are bleeding from the wounds, if they can bash you lower, then you have no fight left to even protest them for the pain you have to suffer for their choices.

That might be a bit uncomfortable for the wayward, but after all it is your pain, you do feel it, they don't, is a price that they are willing to pay instead of facing their own ghosts and realizing they are the villain and not the hero in their own story.

You already suffered for their ego, you are already crushed, so won't make a big difference if you carry a bit more pain if that means they do not have to confront their ego and realize that they feel pain too.

Yes, this means is intentional, conscious or not, he does not give a crap about your pain. Shame is not "I deeply hurt to see your suffering and I want to help you" (that would be guilt and remorse), it is more a fake apology as "I am sorry that you feel that you have to suffer, like my own happiness was an insult to your feeling, because I never meant to hurt you, you just took it too personal".

Like you are overreacting.
Get it?

He is not in a partner place right now. He is in the cheater place, both are, and they don't care about nothing else than their ego.

This does not make it worth to suffer for this kind of people, it just show you who they truly are, so you can reclaim your agency and dignity by seeing that, accepting that, and realizing you might be the suffering one here, but you are not unworthy and for sure not guilty.

Set the values properly, you stand way taller than them and their behaviors.
And that is what they fear to see either.

I think it’s so important to deal with the reality of a situation through focused reality…

You two are married, and it sounds like you are the prime caretaker of the kids.
You also mention that he comes from an affluent background and that he has squandered the savings.
You also mention that his job is at risk.

In reality – without significant change on his half – what is preventing him from squandering what’s left? Do you have the access required to see the outflow from his accounts? Do you know if he’s running up a credit-card somewhere?
I would recommend you talk to a solicitor about financial responsibility and what ability you might have to limit whatever damage he might cause or be causing. His behavior isn’t logical or reasonable, and expecting it to be so moving forwards might not be sensible. It also empowers you in deciding your future, because I feel like right now you don’t feel like you have any control.

Thanks for the insight Bigger. I think on that front I've protected myself. He pushed me a few years ago to put my full salary in the joint account so he could manage the family finances as he felt the system wasn't fair. He earned a lot more than me at that point and convinced me I wasn't pulling my weight financially. Feel so stupid looking back at it. He could see what I spent on the family but I couldn't see what he spent.
When his affair started in theory we were broke and no money spare for a family break but he suddenly had money to stay in hotels. I felt too vulnerable so I had my salary moved back into my account. Soon after we split and I moved all the household bills into my name too. And glad I did because he was getting advice from his girlfriend to empty the joint account. I've seen the emails. His large credit card bills that were funding their hotel stays and dates came off the joint bank account. At least now any bills for the house come off my account and if he ever doesn't pay his share of the mortgage I can cover that and keep me and the kids insulated. Strange that we couldn't afford to live on two salaries but somehow I'm covering everything on mine and still managing to save a little too
My solicitor has documented everything too so if he runs up a lot of debt from now on it can be shown it's potentially done to reduce the marital pot. Plus he has dissipated assets without my consent by spending the joint savings. We have no shared accounts apart from the mortgage account.

Backfromthestorm you are so right. It's not remorse at this point. I get snippets of truth from him and he's admitted a couple of times he wouldn't have told me the details if AP hadn't got in touch because what good could come from it. Entirely serves his need to not face what he's done.
His approach to being open is about sharing what he can face and not about what I need to regain a sense of reality in that time and some stability.

HGC,

She feels entitled to do that because her ego has been fed, someone put 50p in mentally unstable and now it thinks it’s important.

My H confessed to his A 3 years after it ended, I contacted her because I knew my H wasn’t telling me everything, this was a big mistake on my part because even though she’s moved on and engaged now she still felt the need to stick the knife in, lie and manipulate. She also has a catalogue of Tikclock videos about her and my H’s encounters.
I wanted justice immediately at the beginning, just like you do then as time went on and I became stronger I wanted justice for me and justice for vulnerable me too, so much so that I’d literally shake with pure rage.

AP’s look at the BS and this is what they see as their worth, kind of like ‘if I can get him then that means I’m better than her’. And there was your H thinking he was desirable and he was wanted….wanted by what?!.

You have every right to be angry but like I said, don’t give her a single second of your attention.

Please take good care of yourself

Bruce123 - I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It's pretty dark of her to make social media content with that. And you make a very good point about the AP thinking if they get the man they must be better than the BP. Ironically she can have him. He is low worth to me know. I don't want him

I love Bondjanebond's words of staying true to myself and the way of life I want to live. I've been unconsciously bending myself to his will for years and for the first time in a long time, despite all of this circus, I'm starting to remember who I am. Maybe that's the light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm so glad I found this forum. You are all so helpful and wise. Thank you!

Search for the post "Keeping Secrets" in this forum, it is an article that help you (Adn reforming waywards, but your man is not there at all at this stage, not yet at least) to understand the deepest problem of lies and trickle trusth or unspoken secrets in general.

If there is no honesty in the couple, you are not loved, you are managed.

And you are managed because the one who is managing you knows there is something really wrong they did that will have dire consequences, including you ending the relationship with them.

ANd in exchange, when this takes hold toward being open to each other, the relationship not only dies, there simply is not a relationship, secrets force you into playing roles that do not reflect your true self. The manager will always have to walk eggshelss, the managed will never be allowed to show their true self in accepting harsh truths or misdeed from their partner.

That is about "what good does telling do?"

Not sure about the good, you know you did shit my guy, so there will be fallout.
But lies do so much worse than the shit you did could ever do.

And that, is the angle he needs to get.
He gets it, he just doesn't have the balls to face it.