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How were your first few days/weeks after you found out about your spouse's A. I find myself obviously lost and numb . I find it strange I still want to converse with her and still carry some sort of " normality". I had/have a huge problem with validation seeking of my wife . I hate being alone and the thought of Divorce scares the shit out of me. My worry here is if I carry on as normal life , my wife my not seem it a big deal as her life really didn't seem to change . I feel like maybe I need to go quiet. I find myself feeling very lost on weather I want to touch her ( hugs, kisses ,sex ) or compleltey have her stay away from me and sort of just show my pain in a numb out sort of thing at least until I get over the shock and start figuring out how I feel and how I'll deal. To be honest , I still have wants for sex with with her but otherside I have instances where I don't want her near me and her quiet time on her phone in my presence actually irritates me . She knows it's on her to fix , she has fully agreed to That when I said that to her.

Guess I'm just wondering what your first few days and months looked like afer DDay .

This all sounds very familiar and like a pretty typical way that the BS reacts after finding out. Emotions can vary wildly. I called those early months the worst rollercoaster ride of my life.

Sometimes, things would feel so "normal" and we'd go about our daily routines, and then an hour later I'd be sobbing in bed. This is part of dealing with grief and trauma. Try to accept your feelings, whatever they are, but act in a way that is healthy and for the benefit of your future self. Gradually (over months and then years), the intensity will get reduced, and the breakdowns will get further apart.

I find myself obviously lost and numb .

You're in shock. I felt much the same, with a bit of difference. My exww's affair wasn't my first experience with infidelity. My HS girlfriend had slept with one of my best friends. Decades later, after finding out about my wife’s infidelity, I knew that I'd have to put myself back together and remembered how incredibly difficult that was as a teenager. That was two days after discovery.

It took me about ten months before I started to feel the shock finally wear off. Some recover quicker, others take longer. I'd venture to say that I was a bit slower than average.

The first couple of months were extremely difficult. I couldn't function. I lost over 30lbs because I had no appetite. I couldn't concentrate. I'd go from one room to another with purpose and by the time I got there, mere seconds later, I'd forgotten why I'd gone there. I couldn't sleep, was constantly exhausted and anxious.

I didn't know it at the time, but these were all symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

As the months passed, I experienced what's commonly referred to as the rollercoaster. My moods could vary, often erratically, from sorrow to rage, bewilderment, laser focus, or just feeling completely empty and devoid of anything normal.

Throughout those early months I experienced hysterical bonding. At the same time there were moments when I had truly visceral reactions of revulsion when she touched me.

By the time I found SI, about two months after d-day, I had become thoroughly unhinged.

I had/have a huge problem with validation seeking of my wife . I hate being alone and the thought of Divorce scares the shit out of me.

This is likely to be a very serious problem for you. It's not uncommon, however. I would suggest seeking out therapy to help you with this. I've read more than enough similar stories on SI to know that people with codependent tendencies trying to reconcile with unremorseful wayward spouses set themselves up for an endless world of unbearable pain and anguish.

My worry here is if I carry on as normal life , my wife my not seem it a big deal as her life really didn't seem to change .

I doubt you will be able to carry on as normal. The shitstorm is just beginning for you and it will have its affects.

It may seem as if your wife's life hasn't changed, but it has. Anyone busted for wrong doing will go straight into damage control mode and quietly brace themselves for the consequences they know are coming. She's blown-up her life and doesn't yet realize just how profoundly and permanently those changes will be.

I've had a tendency to avoid conflict for most of my life. Within 24 hours of discovery, I knew that this was not a conflict that I could possibly avoid. I suppose I had an epiphany of sorts. I tore down my walls and embraced conflict with an astonishing sense of urgency and alacrity. Oh, yes! I shared it all with her - the tears and the anger. I'd never been so completely open and honest in my life.

Perhaps a few days after d-day, I told her that: "I will not be married to a cheater."

In shock, devastated and couldn’t comprehend anything at all. I was also blindsided because from the initial dday came many more as he carried on his affair for 5 months. Stupidily I believed everything he said instead of seeing what was in my face and trusting my gut.

Looking back now I would of walked away from day one

It was excruciating, I went through all those phases, we didn't have a hysterical bonding and all that stuff, I tried to understand why, but it simply didn't exist at the time, my xWW never had a plausible reason for doing what she did, she herself admitted that.

We broke up, I was in shock for about 2-3 weeks, slept 3 days in a row, then dated with about a dozen of girls, trauma bonded with one, left the other 11, when she came back right after I left her and trauma bonded with my ex-wayward girlfriend currently spouse.

Yes it can really mess you up, it is normal

Everything you are feeling is to be expected. It took me several months before I felt like my feet were back on Solid Ground and my head was clear enough that I could make good decisions.

In the early days and weeks I was scared to do anything that might upset my wife because I thought it would just send her running back to him. I was doing a lot of the pathetic Pick Me dance which in hindsight only served to weaken how she looked at me and how I looked at myself

Early on I was afraid I would be alone if the marriage ended. "Who will be interested in a 53 y/o self employed electrician with 3 kids and a bad back?" It took a long time to break my codependency but once I did it felt like a huge weight had been lifted.

Once I became comfortable with the possibility that I could end up single for the rest of my life I started doing much better. I finally realized that she did not complete me, I was already complete, she just added something and if she leaves I am still complete.

It's not easy to get there but once you do life is much better and you will get there, it just takes some time. A good IC can help you along.

The roller coaster of emotions you are feeling, totally normal. You just have to ride them out with the understanding that in a minute or an hour or two you'll feel better and you'll go down a black hole again and you'll come back out but eventually it slows down and eventually it stops

**Back story* Common law 23.5 years, he had multiple affairs. Last was at Christmas, then we reconciled and 6 weeks later I found another on my birthday. Ended in flames, he married her only knowing her 14 days. I got a surprise call from Vegas asking about my marriage. **

Initially I sat on the floor and sobbed like life itself was seeping from my soul. The sheer shock of realizing he married someone he only knew 14 days after saying he loved me 9 days earlier devastated me. I contemplated ending my life, I cried for hours on end, didn't sleep, barely ate. I was in shock. I called my parents 20 times a day. I lost 22 lbs, and wasn't functioning more than at a minimum level. We had 3 children and I needed to be present for. One was in crisis emotionally and I had to navigate that solo. I was numb, hurt beyond words, and felt abandoned and invisible. He was happy, declared her to be the love he'd been waiting his whole life for, it was nauseating. They traveled, spent money in excess of $150k, all while I struggled to stay in this world. He walked out one door and into a new life, leaving his kids and I behind. He barely looked back. He moved two hours away and then across the USA.

In the beginning I couldn't stand him. The thought of talking to him enraged me, put me in an endless loop of grief, denial, and pain. At heart I really wanted to reconcile and for him to choose me, to realize what he lost, but he was too busy enjoying the ego boost, the validation that came from a new woman. I suffered while he lived a life he never gave me.

Eventually he did choose me, but only when it benefited him. He picked other women, did things for them he never did for me, took better care and interest in their kids over his own. All were parts I needed to experience to see my own value.

We had an incredibly horrible common law divorce. Didn't speak for a year plus. I didn't cope, I survived one day at a time. I lived on this forum looking for any answers that would make my heart ache less for someone that was never worthy of the tears or time I spent with him. I struggled with my self worth, validation, and the future that financially looked like I would struggle forever as I'd stayed home for 15 years, and now had no Social Security, or benefits from wasting 25+ years of my life unmarried.

This took me years to make some peace with. I'm 8 years out and I'm not out of the woods. He circled back, I helped him divorce her 1.5 years later and took him back for another 2.5 years before he left again. I work with him and for him, so it's miserable. I can't change working for him at this point for many reasons previously discussed in this forum. I had to hire the one he married, work with her, and 5+ years later became somewhat friends with her after they divorced. He told her plenty of lies. I've now hired at least 3 he's been involved with. The current one is someone he'd never have looked at in a million years, has a troubled past, and it's clear he has no real options now.

I would be lying if I said I don't still have some lingering feelings for him, but I'm done. No more chances. No more living waiting for him to be the man I imagined him to be. He is who he is, and he's not going to change this late in the game. He's dragging a train full of baggage, and the process repeats each time, with less success each time, and a different woman. I have to live through the front row seat to it each time. Trust me he now knows exactly what he lost. It's glaring at him in the mirror daily. He depends on me to continue his business. I've always been the glue that held it together, the one true friend he ever had. I'm loyal to a fault, but now I don't engage more than I have to. I don't give wife energy to him freely. I only do what I must to contine to have an income to feed my family. If his boat sinks, mine does to some extent also, but I have resources he doesn't. I have a paid off house, I have money in the bank. He has none of those and we are both in our early 60's.

The end result is I want validation, but I don't need it to be validated. I am my own validation. I am enough, I always was. His inability to see it is his issue not mine. I'm a far better person than he could ever aspire to be. He isn't a knight in shining armor, and no one is coming to save me but me. I am my own heroine in this story.

I will survive, if only to spite him. I will have my own happiness. It may not look the same. It may be single. It may be with less money, but I'm financing it myself.

Muggle that was hard.

A virtual hug. Be strong, you are worthy.

Firstly I wish to send all the virtual hugs.
I am days away from it being a month since DDAY. On the day I felt everything and nothing, I actually vomited at one point. Feel free to read my story 'Valentines DDay' & 'update still too raw' so i will only share here what is relevant. Dday night I hardly slept, I spent the night switching from uncontrollable crying to staring into space almost frozen in time, the following day I was completely numb. I wanted the world to swallow me yet I also wanted to be wrapped in his arms because that has always been my safe space, I wanted to kiss him, touch his face yet he felt tainted and stained as it were.
I slipped into almost an auto pilot state, I almost hid from the world for two weeks, I buried myself in my children and the day to day running of my home.
A month later and I still have periods of intense pain, grief, anger.
I have only been able to be intimate with my WS once, the second time I had flashes of him and the OW so we stopped. The want is still there for me but the knowing his hands, his lips and everything else have been in contact with the OW.
Myself and my WS (male) are now in the process of working through this together and remain in our relationship (11 years). I can now kiss him, hold his hand and be in his arms and share a bed with him.
I was able today to go into my home town where the OW lives for the first time. He is putting in so much work and showing me every day this is where he wants to be and he wants to repair the pain he caused as much as possible.
Communication has been critical for us.
Be kind to yourself that is the most valuable thing I can say right now. This is so hard and it takes time so please be kind to yourself, allow yourself to feel what you are feeling each day. Talk with each other, express to her how you are feeling not to cause pain but so she understands your pain and can support you.
I made the choice to phone a very trusted friend the night of DDay, I was so scared to talk to her and for the first hour of our conversation I redacted a great deal, her kindness and patience was what caused me to tell her everything. Myself I made the right choice because she has been amazing and has not once told me I am making the wrong decision but she has also expressed her feelings but is supportive beyond expectations, I am also in IC.
Again please be kind and gentle on yourself.