SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Am I wrong for not believing her more? She says it hurts that the one person she thought had her back doesn’t believe her. She has deleted all social media, started therapy, and is making more of an effort at home—cooking more, showing more affection, making time for me, and constantly telling me she loves me. Is this the sign of a changed woman, or a guilty conscience?

There is no guilt here.

Only gaslighting.

She is gaslighting you.

You are gaslighting yourself.

I know how you feel, been there, you want desperately to believe her and refuse the idea she can be the woman that she truly is. You hope you can convince yourself she is still the woman you loved.

She is not, this is her true nature.

You will see it along the way. Now you feel you cannot, but you will.

Only question is: do you want to get worse? Or do you want to accept it now and take the measures to protect yourself?

It will just hurt more if you pull your head under the sand.

Believe it or not, what you do now will tell her 2 things:

- One + there will be consequences for my disgusting behavior and I will be rejected and left alone (she may turn around and work on herself to become a better person, or leave and roll deeper into the mud. Both are a win win for you.)

- Two + I can fuck around and with you, because you are so desperate to play "pick me" that I can pleasure herself with as many Affair Partners as I like in the future. You will swallow it and do nothing, I can always lie to you. It works now, it will work later.

What do you want from your partner?

Anyway there is only one healthy decision. For you no doubt, no questions. For her as well if she realizes the horror of what she did, turns around and start working, she might become a decent person.

From what you sound you are being an accessory to your own betrayal, you get lied and your wife and the Other Man are laughing it off while having "fun" behind your back.

Please open your eyes, she is not remorseful at all, it's performance not guilt.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 9:58 PM, Tuesday, January 27th]

Put me in the camp of not believing they did not have PIV sex. But, here are some additional thoughts.

1) it is possible that he has some fetish about masturbating on women. Sex drive can be very strange so however unlikely, it is in the realm of possibility. If she had said thats all he wanted to do that might lend a tiny bit of credence. But if that was the case, why dis she go back to him?? Unless that excited her too.

2) What about taking her phone and texting him as your WW? Do it with zero foreknowledge on her part. When you text, tell him my husband found out and keeps asking about what happened. If my husband contacts you will you please tell him we only had full sex in person a few times? He thinks we were having sex for months. Then see how he replies.

3) if, by chance, the masturbation story is true, imo that is still a form of sex. Not as bad as PIV or oral but when you let a man do that to you after months of sexting it is very sexual. Does she alao admit to kissing with the cuddling? Touching him? Its all foreplay and if somehow he didnt enter her it was still sexual and she needs to own that.

4) if there is an other poly, it needs to be you scheduling it at antime she is not aware. Then you change her purse so she can knly take her wallet, which you check for any drugs that might alter her heart rate. I am not necessarily recommending another but consider that approach if you want one.

She says that’s all she allowed, but when she claims she didn’t watch and that it wasn’t enjoyable, her version loses credibility. These statements feel like minimization—an attempt to make the situation seem less serious—because the facts, including confessions, texts, and arranged meetings, clearly point to sexual activity. What actually happened doesn’t change based on how she frames it, which is why it’s hard to take her version at face value.

What about texting posom from her phone to see how he responds and thus get more data? Would that potentially work in your situation?

You're wavering in denial. I asked my wife was something going on. She looked me straight in the eyes and said No. But something wasn't right and something felt out of place. She was doing weird things and hiding phone and where she had been. If you feel it's not adding up then it's probably not adding up. If you rugsweep your just putting the pain further down the road. Get a plan together on how to get the info you need. For me, I'm a tech nerd so I dumped her devices and created the timeline from the data while she was sleeping. Her world was forever changed when I woke her and told her she had to leave. She literally was vomitting out what she had done. It took about two weeks of planning. But being straight forward wasn't working. Patience and resolve did though. Once she admitted most of it ( there was some more gas lighting after) she started to see the light.