SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was also willing to stuff all my feelings because I thought my mother wanted that.

KitchenDepth, thank you for sharing your experience with this. This is a good point, and I'll check in with my daughter and encourage her to share her true feelings on the matter, not just "play nice."

BluerThanBlue, I was very clear with her that I had no interest in dating and that I think stbx's wish for me to "find someone and be happy" is mainly to assuage his guilt. I'm not interested in covering for him. I'm not going full scorched earth yet, partly because I want the divorce done without antagonizing him, and partly so our kid isn't caught in the cross-fire, but the more crap he pulls, the more he is shooting himself in the foot.

So, I'm just going to say this last bit for you to think about and then step back from this because I'm way too close to this and it's too emotional for me to be helpful.

It doesn't matter what you say to your daughter about sharing her feelings. It's more about the example you are setting with your actions. You are trying to play nice with your stbx in order to get favorable treatment in a divorce. He will use your good will however he likes. With your actions (including, but not limited to family nights), you are communicating that he has the power, and you and your daughter have to placate him in order to survive. Is that really necessary? Maybe it is. I don't know. Your daughter will internalize the message of your actions.

I think it’s healthy to serve the family night because it sounds to me like a clean beak is needed for at least the foreseeable futureso both of you can adjust.

His decision to date is not surprising. He is not good at being alone. The reaction you feel is normal given the infidelity.

But let’s consider even if infidelity wasn’t a factor and you were divorcing without that, spending time together a whole evening a week would be enough for you to stay inside this relationship pattern/attachment. The normalcy of the three of you together as a family still provided the closed circle of a family. Him saying he is going to date opens that circle and sheds light on the remaining attachment.

I would let that settle, because I am sure it feels like you are doing this for the kid on the surface and logically. But divorce is a big step after that long married and even if no part of you wants to remain married, and I know you have lived separately for some time, the reality of opening that circle pops the comfort bubble that you may have been leaning in a little more than you realize. The idea of dating makes the reality come into focus.

[This message edited by hikingout at 1:55 PM, Tuesday, January 27th]

the reality of opening that circle pops the comfort bubble that you may have been leaning in a little more than you realize

I sat with this a while, and I agree I was leaning in too much. I don't think it was comfort exactly - I was often uncomfortable during "family night", but I believe in doing the right thing, and it felt right to give our kid as much stability as we could for the next year and a half (before she graduates). I made the mistake of believing that this would stay important to him - it was his idea! Turns out it was important only until something else became more important.

Oh well. As KitchenDepth pointed out, our kid will be absorbing lessons from our behaviors, so hopefully she will see me setting firm boundaries and internalize that too. Thank you all for confirming that I should hold the line.

[This message edited by NoThanksForTheMemories at 11:21 PM, Tuesday, January 27th]