SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m so glad I did it but I’m struggling because he still is doing the covert narcissist behaviors.
Everything is a competition. He hasn’t taken any accountability, plays victim- it’s my fault or "marriage problems".

His main modes of manipulation are pretending it’s 50/50 with parenting but the reality is I have them most of the time. It’s also that if I bring it up it will end up back in court or a fight where his main concern is his ego and how "he looks" not what the best interest of the kids is. Also it’s all about his pocketbook, his wants. I am paying waaay more in child rearing costs. Spending more time, effort, appointments, activities.

I love my kids. It’s never a chore but I get 0 recognition and a 50/50 court order slapped in my face if I ask for anything.

I don’t need "you should or go to your lawyer"
type advice I don’t have the finances or emotional bandwidth to do that.

Just anyone who has been in this position tell me it’s not all in vain. Tell me doing the best for my kids even if it placates my ex is the right thing to do.

"What's best for the kids" isn't so easy to define or to know. I asked my daughter's therapist a similar question to yours - is it better for her (and her relationship with her dad) to swallow my feelings? The therapist said that if my internal repression is affecting my relationship with my daughter, then no, it's not what's best for her.

Obviously this is the opinion of one therapist, but I think it raises the question of what do we mean when we say something is good for our kids? What is placating your ex doing to your ability to be present, honest, and engaged around your kids? You say he is holding you hostage by threatening to take more custody. Your kids are old enough to negotiate their own custody arrangements. How would they feel if they knew how you really felt and what your ex is really doing?

In the end, I think you are taking the best care of your kids that you're able to do. You love them, and your intentions are good, and that's as much as we can ask of any parent.

I’m sorry you XH has created this struggle for you. How old are your kids?

I’m recently divorced from a covert narcissist WH who was more interested in appearing to be a good father to others than actually being a good father, similar to you. My thoughts in response to your question probably vary depending on the kids’ ages. My kids are college aged, and I can tell you for sure that they recognize the support and love I give them…and that their father takes zero responsibility. It’s not a competition like you point out, but kids are observant and smart, so even if your kids are younger, I’m guessing they understand (or will grow to understand) and greatly value everything you’re doing for them.

Like NoThanks said, it’s hard to say what is "best" for your kids. But no matter how long your kids are, you being a steady, dependable, supportive person in their lives…someone they know will be cheering for them and who will be there for them, no matter what, is hard to argue with. Sounds like you’re doing just that, and their father is not, and your kids are lucky to have you.