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I realize I am early in my reconciliation journey, but I am finding myself being very anxious (to the point of feeling like I am having a panic attack) when I am not with my wife (even thinking about it sometimes when I know we are going to be separated). I am not working right now (contemplating full retirement, but trying to avoid making any big decisions until we are further along in our healing) so am fortunate that we are together almost every day all day

For context, I have never been an anxious person. I have held C-level jobs for the last 20 years that involved extreme pressure and one reason I was successful is I could navigate difficult and complex situations with icy veins. Since DDay I have been messy anxious.

My wife and I have had more real and deep talks over the last two months than the first 32 years of our relationship, we walk together every day, are both in IC, etc. She has been more than anything I could have hoped for and is all in on reconciliation. I know nothing is guaranteed and we are in early days, but she knows everything about me (disclosure included going back to childhood / early sexual trauma, FOO issues, etc) so for the first time in my life I have someone who loves me and is not abandoning me knowing all my good and bad. When I am with her I feel safe in a way I never have.

I am still working through abandonment issues and maybe those are more acute when I am not with my wife. I worry I am too clingy and putting a burden on my wife when I should be shouldering her burdens. She has always been more social than I am and I know she needs space and time without me and with others.

Looking for any advice if others have experienced something similar. I have had pretty wicked insomnia of late and often wake with very vivid nightmares. Heart is racing and head hurts. My IC (and chatgpt) have given breathing and grounding exercises, but they are only semi helpful).

What are your thoughts when you’re apart from your wife and you’re feeling anxious?

...one reason I was successful is I could navigate difficult and complex situations with icy veins. Since DDay I have been messy anxious.

Breathe, man. Breathe...

Navigating difficult and complex situations is a lot easier when you know what you're doing, have an education, experience, training, mentoring, etc., as well as the confidence and competence that comes with all of that hard work and success.

So, I'm sure some of that anxiety is based upon feeling the exact opposite of the above paragraph.

Hysterical bonding hit me like a frickin freight train. I think my exww experienced it, too. Seems common enough for both betrayed and wayward spouses in R.

You're unpacking a lot of FOO shit, too, which can be extremely difficult, painful, and taxing.

When it comes to reconciliation, leaning into one another can be comforting and reassuring, help to reestablish bonds and heal. However, in the end, what's important is each partner being at peace with themselves, on their own.

Alleviating the anxiety takes time. Exercising, eating healthy, staying hydrated, journalling, therapy, church, meditation, breathing and grounding exercises, apps and stuff... I tried them all. Try different things until something clicks for you.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 4:47 PM, Sunday, October 26th]

Ghostie - I wish my thoughts were rationale and linear with my anxiety, but they seem disconnected. Example from yesterday, I am trying to get outside with my brothers to play golf as one of the suggestions from IC is physical activity, social interactions, etc. We have all been scratch golfers (one still is, but I gave up the game after graduate school) so this is usually how we bond and spend time together. I was feeling heavy chessted and hyperventilating two minutes into my drive. My wife could tell something was off before I left and offered to drive me the hour to the course, but I did not want to burden her so went solo. Cannot think of anything I was thinking consciously when the panic set in. By the end of the round I was in a better place, but was touch and go the entire drive to the course.

Unhinged - your comments are spot on with chatgpt. Dealing with things that are deep and involve unresolved trauma is totally new to me. I realize my brain is trying to rewire deeply ingrained circuits and that can trigger anxiety. Your comment about being able to navigate business world resonated. I have training and experience to handle those situations. I am just starting to navigate the issues I have now and my tool kit is in its infancy. I think accepting that anxiety is a natural reaction rather than a defect is helpful. So hard to feel like I am not in control of anything (including myself).

Appreciate the feedback.

I wonder if having mantras written down (or maybe read by your wife and recorded?) would help for those situations… Whenever you feel that anxiety cropping up, you could take a moment (pull over, dip into a restroom, etc.), perform one of your breathing exercises, and read/listen to your mantras. The brain is a funny thing, where it will sometimes overwhelm itself with emotion, and the logical thinking part loses control. Maybe filling it with helpful thoughts that counter the anxiety would do the trick?

I can usually reach out to my wife on the phone when we are separated and I am in the middle of it. I do have some mantras including reminding myself that I am safe with my wife, she is all in on reconciling, the anxiety is part of the process, etc. I think part of my issue yesterday is that we played golf with my mother and I am having lots of complicated emotions with her right now. When my dad abandoned our family she was in an impossible position with four young kids. She worked tirelessly and got a second bachelor's and eventually a master's degree to provide for us. She sacrificed so much for us, but the reality is we had to raise ourselves. She remarried a few years later and the blended family dynamic was very rough with eight teenagers. She and her husband essentially activated l abdicated any parental duties. I had been trending in a really dark direction and went way off the rails at that point. Got arrested multiple times, started drinking heavily, was sexually active from age 14 onward including some abusive and toxic relationships, etc.

I eventually turned my life around and went to an elite school where I met my wife. I initially thought the abandonment issues were primarily with my dad, but have realized how much her tapping out on parenting after her remarriage impacted me. Because she sacrificed so much I always struggled to acknowledge this, but it definitely impacted me in some highly negative ways.

This and some other traumas that I just started unpacking in IC really helped me understand why I developed some of the core issues that really laid a shaky foundation for my marriage. The shame from issues I will not post about publicly got buried and I hid so much about myself from my wife thinking I had it all behind me. When I started having issues seven years into our marriage (coincided with the birth of our second child), I turned to drugs and alcohol and that is when the affair started. None of this excuses my choices, but I can see how it impacted my ability to choose l compartmentalize and hide things in our marriage.

Long way of saying that I think I have a fear that my wife will tap out because the two people who are supposed to love me unconditionally both did. I used to think if she knew everything about me including the affair she would decide to leave me. Even though she knows everything now, it is hard to rewire my brain to not feel afraid she will leave.

Will continue to work on this in IC and hope the anxiety eases over the next 1-2 months.

FVL...I think my husband experienced very similar emotions of anxiety in the early days after DD to the point he nearly went on medication. He would message me frequently and struggled to be apart.

His story is also similar as his affair started 5 years into our relationship shortly before/after our third child (second birth as first two are twins) and I think he is only just realising he has abandonment issues from his mother. Her affair came to light when he was 16 but I think due to her new career and affair she checked out a couple of years earlier and his mum and dad spent a lot of time helping to raise his aunt's children who were the product of an affair at the expense of my husband. His first girlfriend then cheated on him. He said he wouldn't have been surprised if our marriage ended or I cheated. I think he thought that is how wifes/mothers/women behaved so he got it first to save himself from being hurt.

I think your anxiety is fear. You realise you married a really good, loyal wife and you are terrified of losing her. You are probably struggling with emotions from realising you treated your wife the way you were treated by abandoning her during the affair.

Lean into her, be there for her. Tell her how much you appreciate her, then tell her it again! Above all tell her how you are feeling, be vulnerable with her. My husband's vulnerability shows be that he is not a monster but a flawed human and helps me feel more secure seeing how remorseful he is.

...it is hard to rewire my brain to not feel afraid she will leave.

A dude once said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself."

In the beginning I was checking my phone every 5 minutes for text messages from her. I was checking Life360 so many times a day to see if she left work but in hindsight she could have and just left her phone on her desk and I never would have known

If she sent a message and I replied and she didn't reply back within minutes I could feel the anxiety starting to build. It felt crushing at times

It took me a long time to feel okay when we are apart. It's a long journey, it's hard, but every day it gets a little easier. Once I accepted that she is broken and I am not, that I am a good husband and she was a bad wife, that if we went our separate ways I would be fine and eventually I would find someone else, once I learned and accepted all of this it became a lot easier for us to be apart.

If your wife thinks that you cannot survive without her that may work against you. Once my wife realized that I was willing to end things and move on without her (aka I found my b*lls) it forced her to step up her efforts and fix herself.

Several times I had asked her early on didn't you think about me and and what would happen if I found out and the answer was always no but then about 4 months in she said I knew you would be upset if you found out but not this upset so in her mind I would just get upset get over it and move on and this illusion empowered her to continue the affair

Your wife has to believe that you are willing to end things and move on. You have to be willing to end things and move on if it's in your best interest.

[This message edited by WB1340 at 4:30 PM, Monday, October 27th]

I’m so sorry all of that happened to you, FVL. You must be so strong to have gotten through all of it… Realizing all of it is a great first step, though.

I know as I’m working through my own childhood trauma that it can feel extremely turbulent emotionally, and that it’s tough, but as I’m making some progress, I’m finding it to be so worth it! I 100% believe there are good times ahead for people like us; we just have to stick it out with the IC.

Best of luck. We will be here for you.

I am always astounded in what we have in common. I too worked 20 years in c level positions and while I wouldn’t say I have icy veins, it just was easier for me to see the business world in black and white.

Our personal relationships have shades of grey because we are much likelier to inject our emotional world in them.

I also had a lot of anxiety and honestly had trouble even functioning at work for the first year after dday. There are things that I got better at with therapy.

It’s the whole fear of abandonment, needing to be seen and understood. My identity was wrapped up in being a wife and mom and so his opinions about me mattered more to me than my opinion of me, it had always been that way.

After dday it was like him seeing my faults and wiring and now he knew I was bad, it was like confirming all that private shame I carried to be true. Plus after cheating I had valid reasons to feel shame on top of that whole history of carrying it, feeling like something was wrong with me. I had been a perfectionist wife to the point I strangled my own connection with him and blamed him for not being more emotional. (He also came from a Very normal family and just doesn’t have the chaotic tendencies I did- in many ways it’s probably a big reason why I chose him)

I have noticed for some of us over achievers at work, it’s driven somewhat by that shame because we have a way of controlling our image and being important to the functioning and growth of an organization. Our perfectionism in our public facing self gives us a balance from the shame.

You are just struggling to find the new balance because it’s about creating a new self image, one that is less distorted by all the shame.

And I get how her staying and support feels both like finally knowing you are loved and also creating a heightened fear around if that’s going to break when the shock of it all wears off.

Your therapist can give you exercises to strengthen your self image. Mine would tell me to put my hand on my heart and saying this is about your need to be seen and loved,m - can I for a moment embrace that I can give that to myself. This may be too advanced yet for where you are in the journey, but I still use it today. I define who I am, I define that I am loved by God and by me, and it helps when someone close to me is upset with me or in other situations.

I think I told you before your dday that your wife’s decision doesn’t have to define you. It was almost like if she can accept you then you can exist. Sort of like she is your judge and jury. I felt very much that way, it’s a fragile place to try and grow from.

And I get that you love her and your preference is for her to feel and see you as you are and choose you anyway. But this is often the heart of why a lot of ws can’t walk into the light. In your case you have walked into the light being led by what you knew as needed to right the ship (another thing we have in common- I too confessed on my own and went to therapy beforehand to prepare), but it doesn’t make the fear and anxiety easier. At some point at least celebrate that you are obviously courageous and want to fight for the type of marriage you both deserve- and that somewhere in that 20 years you grew past who you were as a drug user and cheater, and could not live with that as a secret due to that growth. When you start to see yourself through a lens of compassion, what I am describing will get easier.

The compassion is hard to gain but you are doing the steps of learning what built you the way you were, and some of how you are now. Eventuality it’s a reconciliation of self where you start to understand when you know better you do better. Sure, we knew better than cheating, we just didn’t know better about building new coping, new ways to be fulfilled, feeling safe enough to build a connection that we all deep down crave. And you are doing that. A lot of people go all the way through life stuck not seeing it or not facing it.

What you are experiencing is normal, and you may need to give yourself more grace in the process as you go from being lost to being found. Sending prayers to you and your wife.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:58 PM, Monday, October 27th]

FVL

I hope you are sharing this with your wife and I hope she is sharing her thoughts with you. Your concerns and insecurities. Give each other the opportunity to comfort one another. This quiet time together is a gift. It will get better.

So many of the comments (Evio, hikingout, trumansworld, ghostie) resonate with me. Hikingout - I often read your responses to my wife as they capture my thoughts. They are so helpful.

I had a very good IC session today. My wife has her IC on Monday also and we often have really good talks after we both decompress. Not sure why, but am feeling much better today. I sometimes feel like I crave the pain, but am getting much better at realizing healing is going to be helpful for both my wife and me.

Thanks you everyone for taking the time to comment.

sometimes feel like I crave the pain,

I just want to highlight this.

When I realized this was happening to me…which wasn’t until many years after dday….I started to examine that. We tend to do things like this to solve an issue in ourselves.

I realized for me it was I felt I deserved ongoing punishment. I do not think that will be a revelation to you as much as it was for me. You had 20 years to shift around the shame and realize how deeply you were feeling it.

For me this didn’t happen maybe until year 5 or so because the affair had been much fresher and there was so much I didn’t know about myself. I was much younger than you at the time and I just didn’t have the self awareness and experience to see I was constantly just going back to the pain where I was comfortable.

I just wanted to highlight this for you, but I think you are far more aware of your self flagellation than I was.

I am definitely aware of my tendencies to seek pain when I feel like I am doing better or not sufficiently miserable. I am getting better at this as my wife is pretty clear that doing that is not at all helpful for her. I work on this in IC and will continue to. Rewiring my brain after so many years takes conscious effort.

I have to think this is common when a WS is feeling so much shame and guilt, but hard to imagine it is ever really productive. She knows that I feel deep guilt and remorse and tells me I do not need to worry that she will think I am taking anything for granted so I need to show up trying to heal and be whole for both of us.

Thanks so much for the responses.

Your wife is an amazing and wise woman. Blessings to you both.