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My (21f) child from a previous marriage is having a baby very, very soon. This would be the first grandchild for everyone. You can see my details in my signature and profile. I'm 5 months post D-Day and I've been wrestling with whether or not to tell her about her stepmother's affair for most of that time. WW is super-excited about the upcoming baby. She thinks it will help our reconciliation. She is already making plans for watching him regularly. My daughter has a very good relationship with WW. Possibly even better than her relationship with her own mother.

Part of me thinks she should know so she can decide if she wants to allow my WW to be in her child's life. That she has a right to have agency for her child. Part of me thinks maybe I'd just be punishing my WW for a kind of vengeance. Another thing to consider is that my daughter will undoubtedly tell everyone that will listen if she knows...which will complicate a lot of things.

I'm usually pretty firm and solid on what the right thing to do is, but I truly don't have an answer here. Insights?

I personally don't think you should even consider telling her until well after the baby is born. Giving birth is hard enough, and emotions run high for a while. Give it time and then decide.

[This message edited by Charity411 at 10:16 PM, Friday, October 24th]

My first thought was that you can’t have enough help after having a baby. Second thought was that you have recently posted that you do not trust your WW. Did you mean that you don’t trust her with your heart, or is the mistrust broader? If you were your daughter, knowing what you know, would you trust this woman to care for your baby? I think that you previously said that both APs were in very public positions, how long can this cat stay in the bag anyway? I think your daughter may feel let down if she learns after the fact that your marriage has been rocked by WW’s 8 year affair, all the while you didn’t trust her to make a decision about who watches her baby. Your WW may become an ex but your daughter will always be your daughter. So I would tell WW that she can’t watch the baby unless your daughter has the information she needs to make an informed decision. Finally, isn’t this a good issue to bring to your Councilors?

My God, your wife is messy AF. I'm so sorry.
Normally, my advice would be to tell your daughter a few months after the baby is born. And then I read another post of yours. Your wife is a shitshow and a bomb waiting to explode. Tell your daughter. Tell her immediately.
Your wife lived a lie for 8 years. Your daughter is going to feel like half of her life was a lie also. Whether she forgives her stepmother or not is out of your hands. If someone betrayed my parent, even if it was the other parent, I would be pissed. So, your daughter has every right to know about the affair and to be upset about it. Also, it is better she finds out from the both of you than to find out from strangers if it all explodes. At least she'll be prepared.
The only way I wouldn't advise you telling her is if she is on bed rest and extreme high risk pregnancy.
If your wife has even one decent bone in her body, she would want to tell her together.

Why do you think it’s necessary to tell your daughter?

Do you think your wife would harm the baby by making bad decisions or just not be safe to have your Wife watch the baby without your presence?

I say no. I see no benefit in telling your daughter. Now, if your WW is not putting in the effort to repair your marriage and you are considering divorcing then yes

My concern would be your WW using the baby as a distraction from your marital problems

Unless you think she's unsafe to be around your grandchild I don't really see a need to tell your daughter about it.

I don't think wayward spouses necessitily pose a danger to infants.

My concern would be your WW using the baby as a distraction from your marital problems

Yep.

I'm of the mind that telling your daughter right now is unnecessary and could just stress her out. However, it's interesting that your WW still feels she is entitled to that relationship given that you made it pretty clear the marriage is over. I understand her relationship with your daughter is independent of her relationship with you, but it's still tacky to play the dutiful stepmother. Once your daughter learns what kind of person your WW is, that relationship should cool pretty quickly. I know if someone betrayed and traumatized me like your WW did you, my daughters would close ranks around me quickly and violently. Hopefully she has the integrity to admit it herself. But I wouldn't hold your breath.

Part of me thinks maybe I'd just be punishing my WW for a kind of vengeance. Another thing to consider is that my daughter will undoubtedly tell everyone that will listen if she knows...which will complicate a lot of things.

This is your actual intention.

Part of me thinks she should know so she can decide if she wants to allow my WW to be in her child's life. That she has a right to have agency for her child.

This is the excuse that you're using to justify doing something that you know is motivated by vindictiveness.

It's not your daughter's job to impose consequences on your wife. Do you want to expose her to everyone you know? Do it yourself. Do you want to confide in your daughter because you can't pretend that everything is fine? That's OK, too.

But be aware that this can blow back on you in ways you may not expect. What if your daughter ends up taking your wife's side and blames you for the affair? This happens a lot more than you might think. What happens if your daughter shames you for not divorcing her immediately? What if she decides that she doesn't want WW in her life at all, so you've now put yourself in a position where you have to choose between your wife and your daughter, especially now that the holidays are coming up?

First and foremost, you need to decide whether you want to reconcile. I think 5 months is too soon to make a decision, even under the best of circumstances... and yours are not the best of circumstances. This affair has gone on for half your marriage, your wife still works with OM, and she maintains close relationships with AP's children. The chances of this affair being over for good (if indeed it is over now) are not good. She still has a lot of work to do on herself.

If you want to impose consequences on your wife, then what you should do is tell her that if she's committed to reconciliation, then she needs to find a new job and cut ties with AP's children. If she's truly committed to reconciliation, then she'll accept these terms. If she doesn't, then you know that your marriage is a convenience but not a priority.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:43 PM, Monday, October 27th]

Thank you all for your responses. They have given me a lot to consider. It seems like the best thing to do regarding my daughter is not to do anything right now. I don't think my WW is any threat to the baby. Other than being unfaithful and the deceit that goes with that, she is generally a good person and mother.

BluerThanBlue is probably right in that my motivation for wanting to tell my daughter was some kind of vindictive attempt to punish WW. That's not who I want to be.

NotSoGreat, I keep meaning to discuss it in therapy but somehow I always get sidetracked. I have a session this week so hopefully I will remember.

StillLivin, I think your post is ultimately what has convinced me not to tell her. Your arguments for telling her are spot-on, but your last part, the high-risk pregnancy, is what got me. My daughter does have some underlying health issues. Telling her can wait until after the baby comes.

Thanks again! This was so helpful! You all are the best.

Telling her can wait until after the baby comes

And I hope you muster the courage to do exactly this when baby has safely arrived. I categorically reject the notion that informing marriage/family stakeholders is nothing but vindictive revenge. Nonsense. This kind of sentiment comes from the camp that desires to shield the unfaithful from the natural consequences of their choices.

Imagine the scenario where your daughter remains unaware of her stepmother’s behavior. Your WW grows close with the child, and your daughter, and influences the child, perhaps even to one day giving relationship advice to your daughter and/or grandchild. Then your daughter discovers the truth. Do you think your daughter would be utterly indifferent to this, having had no agency to make a decision regarding how involved & influential your WW would be in her family’s life? Infidelity is an attack on the FAMILY, and not merely the spouse.

Further, the unfaithful experiencing the natural consequences for their actions is in reality the most loving thing that can be done for them. Those who deny this would say disciplining your child for blindly running into a busy street would be ‘vengeance’. Ridiculous. Such discipline is done out of LOVE - not hate/resentment. No, the unfaithful are not children, but natural consequences can also be a strong motivator for adults to consider working on internal change as well.

Lastly, shielding the unfaithful from consequences also communicates to them their actions were not really all that bad. Sure, you’re a little ticked off, but, after all, you’re keeping this all on the down-low, so how bad can it really be? With no consequences, just how much motivation will the unfaithful have to fight the next time they’re tempted? After all, you communicated their choices weren’t all that awful the first time. It’d be logical for them to think you’d prolly look the other way if caught again.

My children have no idea about their father. If you plan on staying with your ww then no. If You are going to divorce you will have to tell. Pretty simple.

Yeah I’d also wait until after the baby is born. Hearing that a step parent has been having an affair for 8 years, I could see that turning someone into liquid lightning. Not so good for someone due so soon.

I’m also of the mind that if the BS wants to punish the shit out of the WS and AP they should have at it. I did 22 years ago and I have no regrets.

There are cases where the children, kept in the dark and find out later do blame the BS for not being honest with them. Right or wrong, it does happen.

gr8ful, I think you might have misinterpreted what I meant when I said his motivations are vindictive.

I'm not against OP telling his daughter. I don't think that it's the BS's responsibility to shield a WS from their actions. If he wants to confide in his daughter about what's going on in his life or if she notices something is amiss and asks what's wrong, then he should absolutely be honest with her.

But if his goal is to punish his WW by telling his daughter and having her spread their family business all around the neighborhood, he can't control how people will react and he can't entirely predict what will happen next.

Some people tell their family members and children that their spouse was unfaithful, expecting an outpouring of support and righteous indignation on their behalf... only to be further hurt and betrayed when their loved ones take the WS's side. Or maybe, instead of embarrassing his ex, OP feels humiliated that the betrayal committed against him is now titillating gossip among everyone he knows.

Another thing that often happens is that-- after the BS has aired all the dirty laundry and spent weeks and months crying on their loved ones shoulders-- the BS then decides they want to try reconciliation... except now everyone they know is angry and bewildered by their decision to stay with someone who did all sorts of disgusting things and made the BS miserable. Then the BS comes on SI and complains that they feel they are being "judged and shamed for reconciling."

What if, for example, OP tells the daughter what happened and she says, "Your wife isn't allowed anywhere near the baby, so if you want to see her, you have to come alone! And no, we're not coming over for Christmas or Thanksgiving!" Sure, that's a negative consequence for WW... but it's also a shit sandwich that OP would have to swallow, too.

In short, AllThatJazz needs to decide what he wants to do before making his wife's affair public knowledge. If he's committed to divorcing his WW, then it really doesn't matter who knows and what they think of it. But if wants to reconcile, he might need to be more strategic about it.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 4:16 PM, Tuesday, October 28th]