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I think this was a mistake. By telling her this (and telling her to tell him) you're putting them on the same team and reinforcing the notion that it's him and her against the world.

Yeah, that's very possible. If that's how it shakes out, so be it. I don't so much care what the end result is anymore. I really don't see any way to forgive or work through an 8-year affair, at least not with the modifiers on my situation.

I'm having lunch with three close female friends (all with experience as BS) in an hour and I'm getting the feeling it's going to be a War Council.

I'm actually feeling somewhat good today.

I like the War Council motif. Keep us updated. Believing one way or the other you will escape this nightmare, either by divorce or a true reconciliation that brings healing.

War Council went well. If nothing else, it was great to be around people who are on my side. Most of the planning was what we are all going to do if this turns into a huge scandal in my town. All of them have connections to my wife, AP, and OBS. Honestly it wouldn't surprise me if one of them leaks the affair info to OBS on her own--they were college roommates. General consensus of the council was see what goes down tonight with AP and OBS and proceed with message to OBS no matter what tomorrow morning. Then fasten safety belts and make sure trays are in upright positions.

In another update: My wife randomly chose to tell our children (both teens) about her affair. I was in another room when she began the confession, but I joined them. They seemed to not care all that much, and then went back to their videogames and friend chats. (I'm sure they need some time to process.) I'm not sure how to interpret her unilaterally choosing to reveal that to them. Is there an ulterior motive?

[This message edited by AllThatJazz at 6:01 PM, Friday, July 11th]

I have been lurking here a long long time. I have never seen support in the form of a de facto "war council" of former BSes. I am really glad for you that you have this. Some BSes don't have any kind of support network at all, and reach out to no one. This will really be helpful.

As for the unilateral decision to reveal to your children: this seems like she could be trying to control the narrative. At least, she wanted to control the timing. She probably didn't like that you were controlling when or even if the children were to be told...and took her agency back be doing so herself. The problem is that it AGAIN stole your agency. Maybe you didn't want them to be told. She should have at least discussed it with you. Another unilateral decision.

I've worked through a lot this week and am now seeing, through her reactions to all this, a much different person in the body of my wife.

Ironic that you just went to go see Superman. How is he "different" from other superheroes? The superhero isn’t his "costume". Clark Kent is! He is a super powered alien named Kal-El who pretends to be a normal human. Is this REALLY a different person in your wife’s body or have you been fooled by her "hypno-glasses" all along? I found out the lying, cheating, low-integrity person wasn’t an anomaly in my wife. It’s who she was (is) at her core.

As far as her unilaterally informing the kids, I would be concerned that is her (and AP) getting "ahead" of the disclosure to OBS to either "control the narrative" or make a "bold move" (we are in love and are leaving our families to be together).

Sorry you are dealing with all this…..

I have never seen support in the form of a de facto "war council" of former BSes.

I had a long deep meditation and realized I needed to surround myself with allies and identify my enemies. Most of my friends are women, and most have been cheated on. So it just kind of came about. I recommend the War Council to everybody! I have to say, it felt fantastic to have them there supporting me and plotting and planning. I had to back them off of a few ideas that were just a wee bit too radical or too revengy.

Is this REALLY a different person in your wife’s body or have you been fooled by her "hypno-glasses" all along?

Good point. How many times over the years have I joked about the Kent glasses disguise when in reality I had a Kryptonian (Ursa?) beside me wearing earrings as hers.

So sorry you're here. I know what you're going through and how you feel, tho my WW's affair was short lived and wasn't with a friend or anyone I knew. It was someone she worked with.

I really don't understand the hesitation to tell OBS. If my WW's AP were married that would have been one of the first things I did when I found out. Then again, like I said, I don't even know her AP so I'm not emotionally invested or friendly with him at all, so maybe that's a factor. In either case I think it would be cruel to keep the OBS in the dark, knowing how devastating affairs are. That said, I'm glad you made the decision to do it, and just wanted to say I'm with the rest in thinking it's the right thing to do. This isn't your fault. You didn't ask for this. Any fallout from it rests firmly on your WW's and her AP's shoulders. They're the ones who made these shitty choices and they're the ones who need to deal with the fallout from their actions. You should neverbe expected to keep their secrets.

I do think you should have just done it sooner yourself without giving your wife or her AP a chance to try to do damage control or even lie about it, but you've decided to do the right thing in the end, and your war counsel was pretty brilliant. I wish I'd have had that for myself. However this pans out I'm hoping the best for you.

I really don't understand the hesitation to tell OBS.

I get it. I should have probably added that I've been married before. It was not a BS/WS situation, but it was a beyond-horrible divorce. Every action I took, even actions I knew were right, made everything worse...so I'm a little hesitant to act until I have a good handle on how it will play out. I'm definitely not doing any "gut" reactions. I'm trying to be careful not to repeat the mistakes I made during the first divorce, in case this marriage ends that way too.

You're getting great advice, and you have a solid plan. I love the War Council and am going to borrow that concept.

On the kids, I'm disturbed that she unilaterally told your teenagers. That action is telling with respect to how she sees her relationship with you, but it's even more disturbing with the kids in mind. It seems impossible that her decision to tell the kids in this way was made with their best interest in mind. My gut tells me she was trying to get ahead of the narrative, or get them on their side, or achieve something that was ultimately about her. Not about the wellbeing of her children. The kids are not meant to be her emotional pawns, if that is what's happening.

I have older teens who know about their dad's infidelity, and I believe that in most cases, with older kids, it's best to be open. But there is a way of doing that which puts the kids' wellbeing first, and I don't feel as if your wife is ding that. And will it stop here, after OBS is aware and potentially the entire town (kids' teachers, friends, coaches, etc.) are aware? I'm sure you will be bending over backward to support your kids in a way that is authentic, without trashing your wife / their mother. But is she going to be able to do the same?

You might consider:

- A serious conversation with WW to express your views on this matter and to agree on ground rules for when / how / why to talk with your kids about the marriage and the affair

- Making IC available to your kids. They might not want it or need it, but it could go a long ways to helping them know that they have that option

- Engaging your kids' trusted adults. Could be a grandparent, a family friend, an aunt. Who are the people that the kids would trust talking to about how they're feeling and what's going on at home, if they don't feel ready to talk to you or WW? Do those people know what is going on, and if not, can you reach out to those trusted adults to say "I want you to know what is going on, and I'm counting on you to be a shoulder to lean on for the kids if they need to talk. Not to be in my court or their mom's court, but to be in the kids' court."

Wishing you luck with tonight / tomorrow!

[This message edited by Arnold01 at 9:25 PM, Friday, July 11th]

Thank you Arnold. So far the night is already stressful. I told her about the War Council. I’m being as upfront and open as possible with her. She flipped out. How can I tell people what happened? Literally again said I was betraying her. This is all just bouncing off now. To continue the Matrix theme, I feel like I’m close to (or at) the point where he sees the world as code at the end.

She stormed out and is apparently shopping. I think this is just her being a caged animal knowing that the end is nigh and the truth is outing. I will be understanding in this. This will be the hardest time of her life. Have Mercy on the Criminal.

The kid thing? Yeah, I don’t know how I feel about that. Could be getting ahead of the narrative. Could be impulse reaction to whatever dark thoughts were going through her head that second. I was there, so she didn’t say anything that was misleading. She did a good job of it without throwing in unnecessary info.

She’s not really a think-first, act-second person, if you can’t tell. The kids really don’t seem affected yet. Laughing and joking around, no discernible changes in their behavior.

[This message edited by AllThatJazz at 11:13 PM, Friday, July 11th]

Perhaps she told the kids to control the narrative. If I have the time frame right she did it after you informed her of your plan and she had spoken to her AP. If the AP spoke to her while you were at the movie and said the OBS will go ballistic and tell everyone, she might have told the kids to prevent them from hearing from someone else who would make her look bad (worse).

[This message edited by Lostinmarriage at 12:43 AM, Saturday, July 12th]

Whether or not your WS did a reasonably good job of telling the kids, making a unilateral decision to tell them definitely represents an attempt to be in control of the narrative. The fact that you happened to be there and join the conversation aside, she didn’t invite you to plan the revelation together, decide together on what was appropriate or necessary for them to know, or have input on the correct time and place. She is still not respecting your rights, feelings and thoughts as equally valid and important as her own. This is one of the ways that waywards allow themselves to make catastrophic decisions for everyone around them—they prioritize their own needs, wants, thoughts, and judgement above literally EVERYONE else’s. She should not be trusting of her own bad judgement at the moment, and you certainly shouldn’t be.

You probably won’t be shocked to learn that most of us have experienced the common wayward trait of not being big on thinking before acting. But this makes them completely unsafe to everyone around them who tries or needs to be able to depend on them being safe people. So however you feel about her as a mom to your kids, you should definitely be alert and protective of them. Yes, from their mom. She has clearly and consistently taken action that would obviously be harmful to them, their family unit, their relationships, and their place in their community. She is their mom. It simply isn’t enough to say that she wasn’t thinking about their welfare or the consequences to them for, how many years?. Thinking about your children’s welfare and putting it above your own is literally the job description of being a good parent.

You are also not anywhere near the first of us to receive the mindfucking news that the person who has literally betrayed everything sacred to you, has disrespected and disregarded you as a spouse, friend and human being, and has fed your happiness and well-being to her AP, is still capable of feeling that YOU are betraying THEM by telling others of their behavior. You aren’t responsible for keeping her dirty secrets or protecting her or her reputation anymore. You were fired from that job long ago when she decided to violate every commitment she made to you and her family.

Please don’t let yourself get sucked into guilt over this. And please understand that right now, your WS is not operating under anything ethical or moral code of behavior where you or your children are concerned. Of course she loves her children, but that hasn’t stopped her from betraying them for years and feeling pretty okay with it. A person who can do that has very broken inner guidelines and standards for her own behavior. You can feel compassion for a person who is smacked in the forehead with the consequences of their behavior without falling into trying to mitigate and soften the blow of those consequences. As with anyone else, consequences are often what teach us what is not worth risking.

You and your children should be your primary focus right now. As difficult as it may be, you should probably not focus on her, her feelings, her difficulties, or her consequences. Keeping your balance in all of this is really hard. Many of us were over focused on our spouse’s feelings and well-being over our own before betrayal and it can be a hard habit to break. You have been traumatized and your kids likely are more so that they are currently manifesting. It’s critical that you keep your focus on the wounded right now and let her deal with her own shit. Because she HAS to learn to do that for her own growth, and because YOU really need to focus on your own trauma and healing. As strange as it may sound, focusing on her and obsessing about what she’s thinking, doing, experiencing, etc. can be an unhealthy and unproductive way for a betrayed to avoid dealing with their own pain.

You’re doing well, all things considered, and moving forward which is the only direction to go after betrayal. Your war council is absolutely brilliant. Depend on them and listen to their experience, even when you ultimately can’t take all of their advice. Having their support in real life is a huge benefit going forward.

This sucks completely. There is no upside except that you finally have more of the truth of your own life to move forward with, but we all know that that truth is horrifying and devastating. Take care of yourself. Take care of your kids. Keeping moving through.

I’m going to post a bigger update tomorrow, because Everything Went Down Tonight. My insurance message to OBS tomorrow is 100% unnecessary now.

But I was thinking about how you some of you were digging the War Council thing, and it certainly seems to be working phenomenally well for me, but I wanted to probably put some caveats on it…I work with all women and we spend a lot of time in a lot of highly stressful situations together. I’m "one of the gals" often. They openly discuss bodily functions and stuff around me (in group settings, never alone). I don’t now and never really have had close male friends. So maybe if you try to make a War Council, just take that into consideration. There are probably many issues it could create (for instance, wayward spouses don’t tend to like the term War Council, from my admittedly small sample group).

Also, I forgot to mention somehow but it’s actually been the most helpful: one woman on my War Council is actually a Wayward who has reconciled and both she and her husband agree their marriage is much better now. (And this appears to be true in practice.) Her insights are immense.