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Not sure if I’m being too much or too sensitive, but my sister who happened to be coming to my house arrived at the same time that my ex-husband dropped my children off home. She knows everything, my devastation, what I’m still going through, how he’s discarded me. I caught him cheating on me for a second time - first time with an ex-girlfriend, second time with his coworker and then told me he was leaving. It’s been a few years since the incident and I’m still grieving it and feel so betrayed as I do this life alone. He’s now with another coworker and has just recently moved in with her. We’re not on talking terms. I feel so disgusted and hurt at the same time with what he has chosen. She knows he’s also taking me to court next week to try taking away my spousal support and lowering my child support. My communication with him is extremely minimal and only regards the children because I have no choice. I don’t say a word to him otherwise. We don’t acknowledge one another at all, our eyes are always on our daughters during drop offs.

As she was walking to my door, I heard the first thing she said was hi to him and how he was doing. She then walked over to him and started having a whole conversation. Asking him about work, what’s new..his car, then proceeding to update him on what’s new in her life. I was completely taken aback. I could hear it all from inside my house. When she came in, I asked her after everything he’s put me through, why does she have to engage with him in that manner? I was hoping that if she chose to acknowledge his presence, it would be with a quick wave and that would be the end of it. She was over by him for 5 minutes, just chatting and it honestly hurt me. When I approached her about it, she said it’s not a big deal, it’s just "small talk", but I feel she’s not looking at the overall picture. To me, if feels like it sends a message to him, that it’s ok what you did to my sister and I will still talk to you the way I always have. My father does the same as well — if he ever happened to see him while dropping my kids off, he embraces him with a hug, calls him by a term of endearment still and has never acknowledged to him that he was disappointed in what he has done. I’ve asked him as well why he talks to him and opens his arms to him like nothing ever happened and the answer I’ve gotten was, "I’m not going to be bitter, he’ll always be my son in law." "Your problems with him have nothing to do with me and my relationship with him." I feel so hurt by this all and also have wondered if he in some distorted way feels a bond to him since he was a cheater himself and even had another baby with someone while with my mother. My mother on the other hand would never carry a conversation with my ex again and has no desire to even look his way after everything she sees I’ve endured. I feel like it also makes me look stupid that I could never bring myself to talk to him in a light hearted, friendly manner, but my own family does with no hesitation. It makes me feel so unsupported and minimized.

I’m curious to know what peoples opinions are..

Thanks for listening.

I’m with you.

If he had literally shot you, tried unsuccessfully to kill you, would she have a light conversation with him?

I guess you don’t know how awful infidelity is until it happens to you.

I’m so sorry. That was thoughtless of your sister.

You have every right to feel betrayed. We can't force others to support us. We sure do find out who we can trust in the long run though. I like the "getting shot" analogy...

THANKS SIS/DAD!!

I'm going through a similar situation and it truly hurts worse than being betrayed by a cheating spouse. Family is supposed to have your back!

Breathe... We will get through this!

My family would shank my ex in a heartbeat. My friends have went to his place to stab his tires. Another friend has him blacklisted so none of the companies that use her services will ever recruit him. Your family sucks. I would never speak to my sister or father again if they did this. Never.
Im not sure what's wrong with your relatives sense of loyalty. Maybe they're dysfunctional in other ways too, but you should probably keep your distance, where possible.

Your family is thoughtless. You need to have a long and deep conversation with them.

I am truly sorry you are living with this. I personally know how much this can hurt the betrayed.

I have a deep sense of loyalty and a sincere appreciation for the damage unrepentant waywards can cause.

To each their own as far as the choices so called "friends" made at DD2+, but I have gone as far as to say to people who chose continued contact with exwh "good luck"—a person who could brutally betray the person closest to them is in my biased opinion capable of most anything. Call me petty, but I did not even express sympathy towards them when they later told me they got burned at a later point by him too.

While I am at the stage in my life where I let people be who they are and behave as they choose and I act accordingly (aka "let them"), I feel so strongly about character, that I even attempt to screen out unrepentant cheaters when I am seeking business and professional contacts, so no, I am not going to chat them up on the way into my family members’ houses. I truly believe character counts and I personally don’t give people who have unrepentantly burnt my friends and family the pleasure of my pleasant conversation.

Again, I am sorry that you are experiencing this.
Many of us can understand and relate to the pain this causes.

Perhaps, for the sake of your children they are trying to be kind? No kid wants to see animosity between parents and extended family. When they see ugliness they sometimes feel the need to "pick a side" when the healthy option is to remain neutral and love both parents. Your sister and father can be disappointed in your ex while still having love for him as well. I mean, many of us still loved our cheating spouse even after the betrayal so I can’t fault someone who doesn’t hate another regardless of how F’ed up they are.

OnTheOtherSide...

FTN. You can be civil without being disloyal.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 12:30 AM, Thursday, April 10th]

Is he your ex-husband?
Have you finalized the divorce?
Could it be that your family is getting the message mixed? That since you haven’t filed there is some hope of reconciliation?

Well she said that he is living with some other woman so presumably her family would know that?

This kind of behavior is very similar to the way my father and brothers (and in fact, EVERYBODY) acted towards my SAWH when the news came out. I could NOT believe the gloss-over and minimization!

So it did NOT surprise me to read the OP mentioning that her father was also a WH to her mother. Both my father and my brothers were "porn hounds" as my brother put it once he came across my father's computer "stash" right after our father suffered a stroke at age 84. I mean it seems like it never goes away for some people, but it explained to me a lot of why my father couldn't bring himself to be openly critical towards my SAWH, after all, he had his own problems with addictive, impersonal sex (computer porn). Which I never was made aware of after I left home (but I recall him having a pile of magazines my brothers came across after my mother kicked him out of their bedroom). I will never know if my Father cheated because they are both long deceased, but nothing surprises me these days. The part that shocked me the most was he "gave me away" at the altar when I was 46 and he was 73. I always thought he was so proud that he finally got a chance to do that, since when I married the first time at age 19 he was a total drunk and wasn't invited to be involved. It was such a healing moment for our broken family (my mother had died by that time). So then it was just okey-dokey when the man cheated?

But a lot of people don't like open confrontation, either.

Anyway, I don't know what would have helped me more in that situation, but it certainly didn't feel right to me, that everybody was so damn forgiving of the man directly after his arrest for soliciting! I mean, is THAT all I was worth as a daughter? A sister? Sheesh.

Yes, it hurts and I would feel the same way; I don't think you are over-sensitive. (By the way that is a typical accusation of narcissists towards their victims, after they hurt them with some remark, it's always "YOU'RE too sensitive.")

Maybe your sister learned to adapt to a personality that would dish out such pain to her mother as an example; maybe she doesn't expect much of men in general as a result. I know my father was fond of pronouncing that all men were like that. Maybe he was projecting....