SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I’ve mentioned in a post or 2 previously my in-laws have not reached out to me since the discovery of my WH betrayal (almost a year ago now). They "pride" themselves as being these wonderful, loving people (who apparently love me like one of their own) … but not once did they ever acknowledge their sons betrayal to me or ask me a "how are you doing … we are here if you ever need anything." Radio silence 🤐

They don’t like me. Period. I actually wouldn’t be surprised if they never did. Looking back on the years that I’ve known them, how my WH describes them/his childhood …. I wouldn’t put it past them if they "put on a face" this entire time. They have had "bashing" sessions about me (behind my back on a couple of occasions) to my WH - yes, he had defended my honour every time … in one of these so called explosions from his dad, he told my WH "I will cut you out of my life." Ironically enough his parents don’t speak to any family (all were cut from their lives or they are estranged).

Not only have they been cold hearted to me over this, they have displayed the same treatment towards their son and grandchildren. They have never asked how any of us are, the weekly calls ended shortly after the discovery of Dday, gifts to the kids became sparse, etc (not "normal" behaviour from them).

A few weeks ago I discovered my in-laws sent this massive text thread to my WH blaming me for everything!!!! Highlights include:

1. They blame me for his affair (apparently they knew our our M was really bad, they could see it … if our M was good he wouldn’t of had an A 🙄)

2. I’M the reason they no longer have a relationship with their son or grandkids and I’VE been keeping them away. (Nope. Never. Particularly, over these past several months I’ve tried encouraging my WH to reach out to them to "rebuild" a relationship - HE tried keeping weekly contact but got very little in return from them, so he more or less stopped trying - don’t blame him).

3. If I’m not over it by now, then I need help. (🤣)

4. I have my family and he has his, don’t worry about her. (Pretty sure we’re married and have created our own family unit, but 👍🏻).

5. He deserves nothing but happiness. (I guess I don’t 🤷🏻‍♀️).

If you knew me, you would think I’m the most laid back, easy going person. Maybe too much of a people pleaser sometimes, putting others before myself and don’t have a "beef" with anyone. I have given them zero reason to not like me.

I told my WH that I cannot have people like this in my life and it’s abundantly clear they do not want our M or our family to succeed. I have put on a face since the summer of 2021 (knowing things were different and I could feel they felt differently about me) and I told him I was no longer going to pretend. I have so much other stuff going on in my life I can’t be bothered to put up with their fucked up narrative. They have somehow (again) managed to shift all of the blame onto me and that is absolutely unacceptable, disgusting and something I will not tolerate. My WH is fully onboard … however, they still are his parents and I can see he’s having a very difficult time with the realization that they are essentially a “cancer” to us. I actually empathize with him in this regard - I get they are his parents and I don’t think he ever thought he would be in a situation where he would actually have to cut them out of his life.

Not sure if I really have a question here. Maybe some sort of validation I’m making the right choice?

[This message edited by Heartbrokenwife23 at 7:29 PM, Tuesday, October 1st]

My MIL didn’t speak to me for years - decades. Nothing happened. She just didn’t like me one day and thought she could control her son.

She died with very few tears shed (sadly).

I tried to get my H to maintain contact but he refused. He said we were a package deal - all or nothing. If she doesn’t like me & kids, then he doesn’t need to have a relationship w/ her either.

In your case you need to say it’s their choice on who they like and accept THEY made the decision. Once you are no longer tied to people who are petty and toxic your life will improve. Let them say what they want. Just remind them it was their choice.

And PS my parents have never asked me how I’m doing or if I’m ok. Many many people take that approach. They just don’t get it sadly.

Well said #1Wife!

People are responsible for their own happiness. Now? How can you be happy keeping people in your life that bring you down?
Or worse . . .

People can change but the must WANT to. What you write is telling me of some "family" that is mentally mis-wired.
They ENJOY their hate of you and ??? else.

So you include them OUT of your life.

You will soon be glad you did.

How will you feel if he won't cut them out and wants to maintain contact?

The1stWife

I wish I could say I understood why people choose to "turn a blind eye" to something like this, but I just don’t get how parents of all people could not acknowledge such a devastating blow (I mean, it affects them too). I can guarantee if I were the cheater, his parents would of been shown him an infinite amount of support and would of been checking in on him (they most certainly would of thought I was the scum beneath their shoes and would be advocating for him to divorce me) - but because he’s the cheater they have chosen to cower and hide (somehow they still have chosen to treat me like I’m the villain in this story and put the blame on me).

I might of been able to "live" with the silence on their part and their inability to show any sort of empathy, but to visually read their words/thoughts and clearly see their motives and what they think of me is beyond repair. Although, on one hand this doesn’t really surprise me they have reacted this way. In fact, they have only validated my opinion I have had about them these past few years.

I’ve told my WH over and over again that they will die very lonely people with nobody to cry at their funeral.

Hippo16

Exactly. I have not cared for them ever since that summer when they showed their true colors. All they do is talk shit behind my back and they make sure to do it when I’m not around to defend myself and give them my own food for thought. They are cowards.

I’m standing firm on my stance, they have beyond crossed the line with me and there’s no coming back from this.

SadieMae

Honestly, I told him that I will support his decision either way - whatever that looks like is TBD. But one thing is certain, I will no longer have any sort of contact or relations with them. I’m more than fine without their toxic b.s in my life.

I told him, with that being said if you chose to have a relationship with them (people who don’t like me or want our M to succeed) I don’t see much hope or success in rebuilding our life together. Unfortunately there is so much damage caused now and keeping toxic relations "alive" will continue to seep into all areas of your life. I also told him that not only am I ok with not being apart of their lives, but that I will be fine without him too.

HBW23,

I only mentioned that because I wanted to make sure you had considered the scenario.

My SIL (Husband's youngest sister) treated me terribly when my mother passed away. I severed my relationship with her and have had very little to do with her since. But it has bothered me that my H couldn't stand with me on that, but it was also eye-opening about who he is and what he will tolerate.

My WH family IMO is very dysfunctional. Every single one of them are selfish and look out for number 1 and fuck anyone else.

For our whole relationship I have tried to organise events for their birthdays, Christmas etc etc. His sister is the only one who has ever organised anything else but that is only ever for her own kids.

Last years Christmas was coming around (not long after D-Day) and once again nothing had been mentioned about Xmas. I wanted to go out of town for Xmas with my family as it was ‘our’ year so we tried to organise Xmas with his family a few days before. These events see me cook and clean with not one ounce of help by anyone. They are a family of 5 (adult) kids and their mum.

My SIL went into her usual hissy fit, abusing me for not considering her kids on Xmas day and that ‘her’ family (meaning me) was always out first and refused to come. Then the mum said ‘oh I thought this year we puke finally have every one together’ as one of the brothers had moved back to town in this year.

Well I lost it. I message the SIL and told her to stop Abusing me (she has done it for 6 years now) because our years don’t match up with the kids due her being seperate to her partner. The fact is already swapped once and then she changed again 🙄. Then I told the mum well no one ever mentions Xmas until I do so I assumed it wouldn’t matter.

Since then I told hubby if he wanted to do anything with his family he needs to organise it. And guess what - we have done absolutely nothing since then with them, except for MIL birthday as I felt guilty so we took her to lunch, with the SIL kids. I still don’t reeally talk to the SIL but my IC said not to worry. Sometimes we just get to a point where we can’t take it anymore and their are no more shits ti give 😂

I know I can’t blame them for not knowing about the A but I believe the whole family are so self centred they wouldn’t even care anyways. I’m glad I’ve put this distance between us, life is much more simpler. And when people ask me or question why I don’t do all those things anymore I just say, well they have a brother / son don’t they?

Sooooo even if the in-laws knew, I doubt things would be different.

People can’t give what they don’t have.

Including respect or manners.

Just remember it’s not you. It is THEM!

SadieMae

Yes. Definitely have considered all scenarios.

I’m sorry your H didn’t have your back in that situation. That is tough and what I believe can strain a relationship further. I do know personally of some situations where this "works" for some families, but for me I feel like it will be all or nothing here. My WH is trying to hold out some kind of miracle that something will change in them - even though he knows it won’t. I told him to prepare himself because all of this shit with his parents is going to blow up in his face and it’s going to get very ugly.

Webbit

Sounds like you have a bunch of dysfunctional in-laws as well. Glad to hear I’m not the only one.

I think distancing from toxicity like that is imperative to mental health. I know personally I have put on my best face when I have to be around my in-laws (luckily they are in a different province than us, so visits are limited) but after all of this infidelity shit with THEIR son, somehow I’m STILL the bad guy - I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m eagerly waiting for the day this shit explodes in all their faces and I will be snatching a front row seat.

The1stWife

You’re right. They don’t have it in them, they never did.

Do that makes the situation w/ the in laws a little less personal. They aren’t being supportive of you because they don’t like you, they aren’t being supportive because they don’t know how.

They wouldn’t be supportive even if they liked you.

As I’ve mentioned my MIL despised me for no known reasons. Everyone in the family were afraid of her and would sneak out to visit at holidays w/out letting her know they were seeing us.

My H had limited contact w/ his dad (who loved me) for years until his mom passed. Then it was a very great time because the family witch who controlled everyone no longer held any power.

The point for me is that my H stood United - he said to his mom if you hate my wife then you don’t get me either. And she didn’t.

People can choose to live their life with hate - or they can choose to be a better person and just minimize the drama and get along.

It is very freeing when you move away from the toxic in laws. It’s also very sad that grown adults act the way you described.

You have to learn not to care what they think or say b/c you know it’s not good but it’s also not important. My MIL believed I did nothing more than lay around and go shopping at Macy’s lol. I worked hard and loved her son and made him happy.

Nothing was ever good enough for her. And when I stopped trying and caring, my life has less stress and drama.

I still laugh when I remember her kids and spouses and my FIL would sneak over to our house every year to celebrate Christmas She never knew.