SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am clear and confident that I will be able to stick to my boundaries/ leave the M if my boundaries are broken.
I also haven’t had any new or pressing questions for my WH for a few weeks now.

However, from time to time this week, I have felt the overwhelming urge to ask ‘needy questions’, even though WH has been proactive in giving me reassurance. These are all comparative questions, like: ‘Do you like me more than her?’ ‘Am I more attractive than her?’ etc. I am holding myself back from asking them, and he has told me the answers in many ways, many times, but I suddenly feel so desperate to ask these unproductive questions.
I am 9 months out from Dday, with some trickle truth thrown in, but no new ‘big info’.
Is this par for the course?
I am currently typing the questions in to my phone and then writing ‘Hell, yes’ next to them.

IMO, your best bet is to figure out what feelings underlay your questions. Fear? Anger? Grief? Shame?

Once you know the feelings, move on to what you want to do about them (the feelings). Your IC can help.

*****

You're looking for external validation, I think. That's entirely reasonable. Why stay in a relationship who doesn't like you more than anyone they know?

OTOH, needing - as opposed to wanting - external validation is a problem. Staying with someone only because they like you more than anyone else can lead to selling yourself out.

IOW, another concern that's a topic for IC sessions.

*****

And not asking your WS these questions until you know what you need is a good idea - but find someone you can talk to about the urges and about your neediness.

Again, being needy as a BS seems reasonable to me. BTDT. Hell, I'm needy, too ... it goes with being human....

Yes, this is a good tactic. There is zero shame on my part; I am not ashamed of trusting and loving someone. I think it is more to do with ensuring he is staying for me and not the external things or the kids…thank you.

Panopticon72

You and I both. I just asked a question similar to this and sisoons advice is great. The more I focus on me and feel good about myself the less I need to ask him what HE THINKS ABOUT ME. I still struggle of course.

I actually think this is completely normal. I do agree with sisson but the way I would frame it is this:

It’s a sign you are considering being vulnerable with him again. That’s scary to start trying to open up to someone and not feel sure footed as to where you stand with them. You want to let down your guard, and you are looking for verbal reassurance. However, the best reassurance to place bets on is actions. And it will take consistent action from him for some time to come. l for that comfort level with your vulnerability to match where you wish it could be.

This is natural cognitive dissonance- where you hold two opposing beliefs: one is that she "must have been better" in some way for him to take such terrible risk, the other is that you are both still there, she is out of the picture, and you wish you could resume feelings you used to have.

Finding a new normal is hard and your need for that reassurance is completely natural.

Hiking,
This is exactly where I am. The more vulnerable I make myself, the more I need to check the ground before I leap to see if it is solid.
Every way that he has changed his behaviour since DDay, give or take a few bloopers, reveals someone wholeheartedly committed to being the best version of himself.
But it is hard to square the person who now has so much self-perception with the person who had such a distorted perspective of our marriage and family and such distorted morals.
That is the dissonance at the moment.
Leap before you look, or look before you leap?
Thanks so much, Sisoon and Hiking.

I agree with hikingout. It’s normal and not a sign of weakness.

This is natural cognitive dissonance- where you hold two opposing beliefs: one is that she "must have been better" in some way for him to take such terrible risk, the other is that you are both still there, she is out of the picture, and you wish you could resume feelings you used to have.

And also knowing that you’re objectively better in every way, and still wondering how he could have possibly risked losing it all for that.

I find myself often looking for the same validation in the form of these style of questions.

I think it is only normal that we try to be sure the work for R is being done because WS want to be with the BS rather then just keep the comfort of what they know (family, kids, etc).
I have been feeling less urge to ask these questions because I really believe I am a way better person then the AP ever was. But they still creep up at random times due to small triggers or moments.

The fact you already have the ability to realise the questions are not that productive is already a huge step I feel.
I'm 11 months out from Dday so I can relate to the timeframe, I think what you are experiencing is absolutely normal.

I don’t think you should be afraid to ask any questions, no matter what.

He's going to answer your questions in a way that will benefit him,whether the answer is the truth,or not.

If he thinks she's prettier,he would be a fool to say so. How will that help him? Cheaters are liars. Selfish. Entitled. He's not going to say anything that will make this harder on him.

His actions will show you how he feels.

What work is he doing to become a safe partner?

Thanks for all of your replies.
Groot1988 and Lupulus, it is nice (although I am sorry you are in the same boat) to know we are in similar stages of feeling this way. So sorry for you.

I am aware that he will say what is best for him or, if I am charitable, kind to me. I have seen her picture; most importantly, I know what she did to her own integrity. Objectively, I can hold my head high on these counts. It is just the fact that, no matter what, he chose to cheat with her rather than work on our marriage. It still doesn’t compute. But I guess that is the cognitive dissonance!.

I guess I don’t know if asking the needy questions will make him feel some power over me (sorry, know that is a basic way to phrase it), or whether he will understand that such insecurity is the prolonged effect of his actions.

Gah!