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I always see questions from other women about "why did he go back to his wife" or "when will he leave his wife for me?" I was sitting here wondering if the AP understands that you aren’t asking the WH/WW to leave his wife for you, you are asking him to GIVE UP HIS LIFE FOR YOU. You are asking his wife to give her her life for you. You are asking his children to give up their lives for you. I mean, these people have already had their lives sesmically changed by your actions, but you are not your "partner’s" life, you are your partners piece. Yeah, I know, soulmate, amazing sex, understanding better than anyone ever has, even if you don’t actually live real life day to day with every warts and all. But you are not your "partner’s" life. Do they at some level get what they are asking someone else to give up for them?

I think they know but do not care. They are selfish and want what they want. Most of them believe that the WS are truly unhappy in a bad M with the mean BS I think they believe they are saving the WS from their horrible life and AP is just so wonderful why wouldn't they want to give up everything for them. AP is thinking about themselves and so is the WS. It is very rare that the AP feels some empathy for the BS and their children.

APs are, by nature, selfish and delusional.

But by engaging in the affair in the first place, the WS is communicating to the AP that their spouses, kids, families, life as they know it, etc aren't as important as having sex with them. More importantly, many WSs complain about how miserable and stuck they are, and talk about how much they love and yearn for a life with the AP.

So in the warped mind of an AP, they're not asking the WS to give anything up... just extract themselves from a bad situation and be happy with them.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 6:49 PM, Friday, September 27th]

When I contacted one of the APs after DDay 1, we were both acting friendly with each other because--as I later realized--we both wanted info from the other. I made it clear I was asking her for information; she did it in a more underhanded way. Only I didn't catch on because she's sooooo dumb, I had no idea what she was asking of me. Her texts were total gibberish! I just skimmed them and didn't think much about what she was saying. It was only after my H admitted how much she liked him (he initially told me she was only in the A to help herself professionally) that I reread her texts to me and realized she was prying me for information.

My H never spoke about me or our M, so she was always left wondering what about our M was so bad that he would cheat--she basically just assumed it was bad, and she wanted to see her chances for my H leaving me to be with her. So she's texting me saying "everyone has a reason for their chaos and I want you to know I'm here for you and want to give you a chance to speak about the reason for your chaos." I eye-rolled the phony "we're girlfriends" scheme and just assumed she didn't want me to tell her job about the A and was trying to manipulate me that way. But I was thinking "reason for our chaos"? The "reason for our chaos" is obviously that I just discovered my H has been cheating on me with many APs! And you should know that because you're one of them!! I didn't get that she was referring to our presumably bad M. So, of course, my response didn't satisfy her and that was the end of that line of questioning.

Anyway, the point is, even with no information whatsoever, the AP believes in the movie version of infidelity (twu luv, awful spouse) and that it's only a matter of time before the WS will finally be able to escape from their miserable life to start a real one with them. They don't look at it as the WS giving up their lives at all or losing out in any way. They assume the children will be happier and now they're setting the BS free to find their true love, too. See--they're helping everyone!

There was a Daily Mail article recently about a mistress who waited five years for her WS to divorce his wife, and it finally paid off! They are now going to be together and life has begun! So it's also these awful, white-washed stories that pretend happy endings exist for villains that keep the AP hanging on.

[This message edited by Revenger at 7:41 PM, Friday, September 27th]

"I think they know but do not care. They are selfish and want what they want. Most of them believe that the WS are truly unhappy in a bad M with the mean BS rolleyes I think they believe they are saving the WS from their horrible life rolleyes and AP is just so wonderful why wouldn't they want to give up everything for them. AP is thinking about themselves and so is the WS. It is very rare that the AP feels some empathy for the BS and their children."

My take away is that for the whole ap wayward thing to work both have to be operating with an "operating system" that is selfish 1.0

I installed taking exquisite care of shehawk 1.1 with the understanding that the ap wayward mindset translator. (Betrayeds tend to be fluent in empathy 2.0 which is not part of the wayward system).

In other words I just substituted a patch that always returned the words "neither of them care about you shehawk"
Eventually I understood what I was dealing with.

That was my experience for what it’s worth. Other people may may encounter different situations such as scenario "the ap had no idea what was going on because the wayward lied to them too". That and other scenarios are possible but not ones I have experience in.

Based on the AP's Pinterest, she still thinks that maybe someday H will creep on her Pinterest account and discover that she's totally down to drop everything and run away with him. Every last one of the memes that she's pinned is intended as a lure for him, I'm sure of it. It's been 20 years, and she's STILL like this.

Everyone else be damned. Me, my kids, her kids, her H (whom she married five years later).

She didn't even protect her own 8yo son. When H went to stay with her one weekend, her son noticed his wedding ring stuck on the turn signal of his truck. This kid said to H, "You're married, aren't you?" H just looked at AP like H is so ashamed of that. And how many 8yos do you know who'd notice that? He had to be attuned to his mother's dysfunction. I've always felt sorry for him.

After DDay hit, H was obviously distraught at the pain that he had caused me and our children, and himself. He had just blown up his world and disappointed everyone who thought he'd never do such a thing. He asked to be left alone for a while to process and think. AP couldn't do it. She was too excited about finally being able to be with him and was clawing at him to come play house with her.

It never occurred to me until just now that she must not be at all intuitive. If she was, she'd have picked up that her insensitive excitement was repellant.

I wonder what her Myers-Briggs is? Hmm. I wonder if lack of intuition is a common feature of OWs who are holding out for married men to leave their wives for them? I wonder if they tend to be more STs (sensory thinkers) than NFs (intuitive feelers)?

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 9:21 PM, Friday, September 27th]

Random things show up on your Instagram and on mine a few days ago was OW who got the guy. She danced around her living room making fun of his wife. I thought either this is a put on or this is a sociopath.

From the OW/OM point of view, many cheaters spin the old "my spouse doesn’t love me" routine. And "my spouse is mean and cold etc." crap too.

So it’s not hard to understand that the AP believes their Mr (or Ms) Wonderful true love 🤮is going to leave their spouse to be with them b/c they are just do perfect for each other.

My H’s OW was told pretty much from the moment she met my H that he was D me. And our marriage was over. And how awful it was to be married to me. Blah blah blah.

So of course she was furious and angry when he ended the affair. How could he!!!!!

And no they don’t care they are throwing a bomb on someone’s life. They justify all of it with stupid excuses and the "I deserve to be happy" mantra.

How sad there are such people in this world.

why did he go back to his wife

I will speculate on answering this question. I know why my husband wanted to come back to me after he lived with his AP following DDay. He went all in with her.
I’m unsure if he explained to her the reasons he left her to return to the 40 year life that he had with me.

From what he told me, she did ask why. She even suggested he stay in her guest bedroom. I’m assuming that she was just trying to hang on to the life they had together..full of restaurants, theatres , travels, intimacies, meals with her friends not his, meeting her brothers and nephews, not his family, just the two of them. She cared for him in ways I rarely did. He loved it until it wore off. Interesting way to live. Quite one sided.

She called him while he had moved into a hotel. I would not take him back right away. They talked. But he did not return to her.

I know she experienced weight loss, betrayal trauma just like I did when I separated from my husband. She knew that he was a liar, and a manipulator and so was she.

It’s true that the pull of his whole previous life with me was powerful, and he was full of regrets, remorse and shame at what he did.

Those feelings were stronger than any « happiness » he experienced living with her. In other words, his life with her was getting lonelier. Their mutual alcohol abuse was out of control.

In simpler terms, he missed his familiar life. Though I know it’s not as simple as that.

She probably figured this out over time and I think she was just as superficial in her feelings and thinking as was my husband at the time.

It never is about the abandoned spouse or the AP. It’s about the unhappy, insecure feelings of the cheater. So if she believed this man would be ´happier’ with her, than with me, she was so wrong, his issues were with himself and he just brought those same issues to her home. And for the time they were living together, apparently she was’ happy’. Maybe. I don’t know, I was not there.

I’d like to add the obvious, they both messed up their own lives, my life, our adult children’s lives, to some degree our older grandchildren lives, his family members lives and mine. We do not forget. Sigh.