SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I see a lot of BS put posts on hear about healing and that they needed to learn how to put themselves first, concentrate on hobbies, friends etc etc as they had lost all that in their relationship.

I didn’t have that problem. I had hobbies, good friends, fun with the kids and a great career, so when it came to healing I was a bit lost really. Originally I just kept doing it but then somehow have gone backwards .

I know the marriage was in a hit of trouble even without infidelity so I was already throwing myself at everything else so when all the shit hit the fan I think without realising I started to throw everything at the marriage instead. I haven’t been running as much nor seeing friends as often.

After an amazing weekend of fun with friends and hubby I hit a big low point but really had no idea why. I think now it’s because I lost the balance I was so desperately looking for and just blamed the affair again. It seems I blame the affair for most problems I have but know I have to stop doing that.

Adulting is hard!!!! So this weekend I’ve registered with my running club again, will go watch hubby play a soccer game and have organised a games night with the kids.

Happy weekend everyone 💚

I had no social circle outside of my wife and I was content with that but after our relationship imploded I realized this was not healthy for me so I used an app called Meetup to find a group of people in my area that get together and do fun things.

So now I'm playing sand volleyball once a week ;) I told my wife "This is for me to do without you" and that was HARD to say. She knows she will not attend events this group throws. I felt so guilty but quickly got over it.

It did a lot for my mental health. I am laughing and joking and having fun without her and that was something I needed to relearn.

I still have zero interest in my two hobbies though, sadly.

IMO, healing for the BS is done by processing the anger, grief, fear, and pain out of the BS's body. Being betrayed often brings up lots of older pain that the BS picked up while living life up to d-day, processing the pain out of one's body can be more difficult than it sounds.

'Putting oneself first', IMO, is more a matter of making mindful choices. For example, if your WS wants something, the BS needs to consciously decide whether to comply with the request or not, and if the decision is to comply, the BS needs to choose mindfully when to do so, how much to give, etc., etc., etc.

IMO, one needs to feel the pain to let it go. If you avoid that, you may forget in your head, but your body will remember, and that is likely to mess you up when you're under stress.

Most of my normal fun activities evaporated for a really long time.

Looking back, I feel like part of me was holding me back — sort of like, my brain wanted to focus on the pain instead. That part of me felt bad about trying to find joy. It was weird. But I think that’s part of trauma, your mind wants to shut everything down until it can rely on the world being ‘safer’ somehow.

In year three, I started to look for ways to force myself to laugh, live comedy shows, silly cartoons, comedy movies, fun TV shows and that helped me push through the depression.

I’m healed up now, and I still try to map my way to as many happy or upbeat surroundings as I can find - listening to live music added back to the arsenal of joy, spending time with our adult sons, family celebrations, travel, etc.

It took a long time, but I did eventually allow myself to have fun again.