SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

"Once a cheater always a cheater," is a saying that I swear will be the death of me. Over the past several months I’ve been trying to find bloggers/influencers/therapists etc, that talk about infidelity in more of a "optimistic" light (not the right wording, but you get me). Trying to find those that maybe have first hand experience or those that look at and explain infidelity from all angles?

Anyways … I’ve been watching these people lately and was wondering if anybody else has as well? What are your opinions on them and the advice they offer or their food for thought? Any others you might recommend? Personally I go to this list when I’m feeling overwhelmed with the negativity that infidelity has brought to my life and that maybe their is hope (one way or another).

1. Jimmy on Relationships
2. Dr. Kathy Nickerson
3. The Evolved Man
4. Dr. John Delony
5. Official Coach Bear

I can’t take Jimmy seriously. He gives off a cringey, narcissistic vibe IMO. I found out he cheated on his wife and have liked him even less since. I blocked him on social media so I would finally stop seeing his posts.

I know waywards can change and can absolutely offer wonderful advice and personal reflection (there are many here who have helped me over the years, and I’m so grateful to them). He just rubs me the wrong way.

landclark

Fair enough. I actually kinda like him (😅) due to the fact that he’s open about being a WS and sharing his experiences and growth (sometimes in a light hearted manner, sometimes he’s more serious).

I agree though that waywards are capable of change. There are definitely a few here that come to mind and that I am extremely grateful for their wisdom and willingness to share their experiences. I will keep a closer eye on Jimmy on Relationships.

Thank you for your response ☺️

I liked the affair recovery videos on YouTube. The main speaker is a former WS and I find the videos very relevant. I just sent my WS a link to them and told her the majority of the videos will pertain to us and that she should watch them.

She said she will...

I don’t watch any of this content. But I am open to being exposed to it so thanks for posting.

I have become very disinterested in understanding waywardness. I am too busy focusing on healing myself, finding my potential and post infidelity purpose and healing my own trauma. But I might have to check this content out.

I do believe that people can change there are former waywards on here who have done the work necessary to be safe partners. I sincerely commend them and wish both former waywards and betrayeds well on this journey.

At one point in my post infidelity journey I was very interested in what makes a wayward a wayward and how to change that in my marriage. Now I view other people’s behavior as their own to own and change.

Wishing everyone much peace and healing.

I like the Affair Recovery videos when I want something to watch with my husband or if I’m trying to calm down. They are soothing and generally optimistic. They also don’t shame the WS. We aren’t religious but they don’t seem to be overly religious although they frequently mention that they "come from faith". I think Kathy Nickerson is alright. Sometimes I feel like she is too optimistic.

I watched Affair Recovery and also discovered Coach Corey Wayne. I don’t believe "once a cheater always a cheater", I do not refer to my W as a cheater, WW, or FWW I just refer to her as W. At the same time like an addict or alcoholic she has to be vigilant and protect the M. There are things she can no longer do because we both know what she is capable of.

This is a very interesting question. I found the opposite to be true and for me I found all content to be more positive and forgiveness-focused and so much "save your marriage" and "don't give up" narrative.

I looked high and low and finally found some refuge in the negative more diserning narrative, "Too Bad to Stay, Too Good to Leave" "Cheating in a Nutshell".

Maybe what we are looking for, and missing, indicates a deeper desire. For you, it's hope for your marriage. For me, it was justification to leave.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:35 PM, Friday, September 27th]

I think before being affected first hand by infidelity, most people are as honest as their options.

Reading Not Just Friends, it is very obvious that many people cheat that didn't intend to cheat. The fact that most people don't cheat is because they haven't had their (most likely) porous and implicit boundaries tested by the right environment and stressors.

So then they cheat once, the first time. Not on accident mind you, but because they settled into it in a way they didn't expect.

They can learn, heal, grow, and stop being wayward.

Twice a cheater though, always a cheater.

ThisOisoFine -

Twice a cheater though, always a cheater.

That statement wracks my brain...
Tell me honestly what you're thoughts are on this. Because is it always that black and white?

Example; #1 WH kept a secret flirty friendship from me, #2 then WH had a 2x kissing fling, #3 WH had a secret texting inappropriate stuff thing. This has spanned over the last 15 years, polygraph passed. I consider it all cheating because it was a secret/wouldn't do it in front of me.
So by the logic, Twice a cheater, always a cheater. He will always do this just spanned over the years.

Sorry don't mean to hijack.

I just think we look for what we really want or know, or are in denial and I am likely guilty.

WB1340

I haven’t watched those, but I will definitely check them out. I like when speakers are able to relate from a POV as either a WS or BS. Thanks for the suggestion.

Shehawk

I get where you’re coming from. I think for me trying to understand and learn about the "mindset" of a wayward (particularly my WH) helps me heal in some ways. I know every situation is different and I can’t speak for someone else, but I try to have my WH "explain" to me what he’s feeling or what he was feeling during the time, how he came to the conclusion to cheat in the first place, etc. Not that I try to empathize with him, because it’s hard to have empathy for someone who could do that to someone they profess to love unconditionally. I think him talking and me listening (instead of the other way around) helps to really enforce this is the reality that he caused us.

Yes. 💯 agree people are capable of positive changes. There are many firmer wayward here that give me hope that my WH can join that same club one day.

Sending you strength as you continue down your path to healing.

Stillconfused2022

Definitely going to be checking out Affair Recovery. Yes, I agree. I just more recently discovered Kathy Nickerson and notice she’s extremely optimistic when it comes to recovering from infidelity. I do like the questions some of her viewers ask and the responses she gives. I find them solid and relevant.

Tanner

Thanks for your feedback. I’m going to look into both of those! I’m so happy to hear that you and your wife have made it out on the other side and that you do not define her by her A. I’m hopeful to get to that point one day.

lessthinking

I should have been a bit more specific … a lot of the content I read (not purposely, I always stumble upon it) is in moms groups or reels on IG where "keyboard warriors" are always "once a cheater always a cheater" "leave, you will never trust them again" "if that were me, I’d be gone." Like I used to say ALL of these things prior to walking in these shoes … now I realize that this isn’t everyone’s truth or experience.

So when I read and see these things (most likely from people who’ve never been cheated on) I need to look for hope and optimism. I usually come here to SI or look at some of the content I’ve listed above. It helps on those bad days.

Those books you’ve mentioned are actually on my to read list. I do think it’s important to weigh on all perspectives. I definitely have all that I will ever need to leave my M, No justification needed there, but I’m definitely trying to find hope because it does exist. I just hate the lengthy timeframe that it takes to get one way or the other 😫

Thisis0is0Fine

I resonate with your words here 💗

Twice a cheater though, always a cheater.

I think, barring addiction or an excessive number of affairs, that it's more about how often they bring the pain than how many times they cheated. My H cheated three times, but we only had one DDay. Had he witnessed the pain he caused me and then done it again, I'm 99.9999% certain that I would burn the marriage to the ground and walk away without a backwards glance. (I say 99% because you never know what you'll do when you're the one in the situation.)

I have a friend whose H cheated, witnessed her unable to get out of bed for months because she was so distraught, then several years later he cheated again with a 20-something casino girl. He was very nonchalant about it when he got caught. Not mindful. Not demure. She didn't leave him and I will never understand why. She says he's "her person". Okay then. Have fun with that.

I really like John Delony. He covers many topics and offers solid sage advice. He also let's people know that it is ok to feel the feels and that it is a necessary piece to healing properly.

[This message edited by tushnurse at 6:04 PM, Friday, September 27th]