SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi D/S peeps!

I know the answer to this, but could use a little validation since a long dormant itch from a cut off limb is happening: My DS who's 27 years old, has been diagnosed with a medical condition that will require surgery and it's not life threatening, but it's not going to be fun. The surgery itself will be a general anesthesia and will require two weeks off of work to recover. I'm either going to go to the city where he lives and help out in the aftermath or he's going to get the surgery nearer me and come back to my home to be looked after.

My DS has a terrible relationship with his dad/my ex. They didn't speak for almost two years but reconnected recently. The cause of the fallout was my Ex's typically abusive and bad behavior and insulting my DS's girlfriend and my son just had enough. Fair. I wholly support whatever feels best for him.

Anyway, my son's medical condition isn't life threatening but is super unpleasant and needs to be done. When I was discussing it with him yesterday I wanted to hang up the phone and call my Ex which I KNOW is a terrible idea but it just feels like he's the only one that may feel what I feel. My son is still *our* son. Gah. It's been hard to fight the impulse to reach out. I honestly don't know if our son will inform him and I know he's an adult and can choose for himself but it just feels "coparental" in a way that I haven't had for some time. My ex and I aren't on bad terms per se, we're just mostly on "no terms" which is, I think, preferable. Luckily we haven't needed to be together for kid events (graduation, birthdays etc) because he lives on a different continent. There's no way our son would want his father involved in this but the need to share the anxiety with my Ex is real. Even though I'm VERY happily remarried, my husband is not my children's father and it feels different talking about this with him. At some point there will be weddings, but we're not there yet. The impulse to reach out keeps coming back. Talk me out of it!! Thank you in advance!!

BHUK

My two cents.

It’s not your place to share personal info about your son.

It’s your son’s responsibility to tell his dad.

If your son chooses not to, don’t you think he will be annoyed and angry with you if you do so?

I don’t think you need to open this can of worms.

Honestly if I were your son and found you went behind my back to share personal info about me to someone I have a challenging relationship with, I’d be very angry.

And it would prevent me from sharing things with you in the future.

I hope this helps you.

Yes totally. I completely agree. It’s just been surprisingly hard to not share.

Don't share, it may feel hard, but if you did, you'd end up disappointed anyhow. They don't have a good relationship for a reason. He's shown your son he doesn't really care, it's sad, and it's hurt, but take it from the child of someone like him, it's the truth. Your son doesn't need that, you don't need that.

If you contact your ex, there's a good chance that his response to the news isn't going to make you feel better or relieve any anxiety; in fact, it might make you feel worse.

Agree with the others. - not your news to share.

And I totally get it. My dad died a year after DDAY and i called my XWS he was the only one who could understand locally. the urge is strong.

But yeah, respect your son’s wishes here.

Sending good mojo to your son!

You have not quite cut the cord. Long time relationships are very difficult to let go of but you should.
I agree with others. Your son is an adult. If he wants to let his father know he will tell him.
Use this recovery time to really form a strong bond with the grown up in your care. Make him home made chicken soup.

The impulse to reach out keeps coming back. Talk me out of it!! Thank you in advance!!

Another vote for "do not do it".

My DD was in college and got really sick, requiring two bouts of hospital stays, multiple hospital transfers and a few surgeries. Her father did know about it and made the trip to see her in the hospital. She did not want him there. She was already feeling very sick and did not want/need to deal with him at that time. He brought her gifts to the hospital...right in the garbage they went.

If your DS is choosing not to tell him; respect that. He will need to be concentrating on his healing, not this.

but it just feels like he's the only one that may feel what I feel.

No he won't. You just said he has been abusive and insulting, etc in the past. Does that sound like a good person to be on your support team? You are much better off talking with a friend (or anyone else) who has experience having a child really sick.

As the old saying goes....do not expect your ex to be a better person now than he was during the M.