SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am going through a phase where I feel guilty and wonder if I have taken the right step in getting out of a cheating situation. I am soon going into extended family and going to break the news to the world and I am afraid of being judged. I don't know how to handle the situation

First off I want to say that I’m sorry you have been victimized by infidelity.

You cannot and should not let others opinion influence you. I don’t care if the infidelity was 10 years ago. If the marriage is not working for you, then you make the choice to do what is best for you. You need to give yourself permission to say to yourself "I deserve better" and this relationship no longer works.

You don’t have to have an ugly D. You can try to remain civil and respectful during the process. You don’t have to engage in responding if the STBX is being mean or vindictive. That is why you have an attorney.

Maybe some professional counseling can help you with your decision and help you decide to do what is best for you.

The STBX won’t like it. But unfortunately that is something they don’t consider when deciding to cheat. They never get beyond their own selfishness. They don’t consider the damage to the betrayed spouse or kids or family.

And they are stupid if they believe "it’s all good" and my spouse will understand after Dday. For some people this is a dealbreaker.

So sorry you're facing this betrayal. It certainly is disorienting and can knock you off your axis for a long while.

After reading your title I reflected on the paradox of the betrayed spouse feeling guilty over the steps that they must take to extracate themselves from the fallout of marital treason. Such inequity. I think in many cases its a reflection of the more developed sense of personal responsibility whereas many waywards have a serious developmental gap where integrity and responsibility are concerned (I know, duh, right?). The betrayed actually still thinks of the affects of their needful actions on the betrayed and wonder where that guilt and fear was in their spouse when they were actively betraying their betrothed.

That said, I worked through much of the same in therapy years later. Are you in therapy currently? May I ask how long you have been married?

Strength and clarity to you.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 7:35 PM, Wednesday, September 25th]

I am likely projecting and am in a bad headspace to respond but I'm going to give my two cents.

It's almost 14 months since DDay, and for me, the guilt has intensified exponentially. Take a hard look at your relationship, are there any other doubts? My advice is not to stay out of guilt, it only gets harder.

Sounds like guilt is showing up because you are about to do something terrifying but just because it's terrifying doesn't mean it's the wrong choice. It's often quite the opposite.

I've learned a lot and grown a lot in this last year of limbo BUT I also feel weaker and more confused now and something wish I had made the move from a place of power and courage.

I don’t think you should fear this or feel guilty. You are doing what is right for you and that is all that matters. Unfortunately, infidelity is just so traumatic for the BS that it’s the deal breaker and there is nothing wrong with that.

I completely understand where you are coming from. I’ve literally just had a conversation with WH (13 months out) that I want to do a trial separation but under one roof so it doesn’t disrupt our sons life.

I know it came as a shock as we just had a really fun weekend without the kids. I had a wonderful time with no actual meltdowns. But when it was over I just felt blah. Like nice times feel forced now and still will always be tainted by the affair. And to be honest I feel that way about my WH who since D-Day has been the ‘perfect’ WH.

Infidelity just hurts to much and some of us just can’t get through it I guess. But I know I won’t feel guilty for it, even though that does pop into the head occasionally.

Foolsparadise, you say that you're afraid of being judged. Do you think that your extended family will blame you for your partner's cheating? Or are you worried they will guilt-trip you for not being more forgiving? If it helps at all, remember that you don't owe them any more information than you are comfortable sharing. And they will never know what your relationship was really like. But at the same time, you might be surprised at what comes out when you tell them. I was very scared to tell my parents, who are generally against divorce, but in an emotionally vulnerable moment, the truth came out, and they surprised me by saying they would understand and support me if I wanted to leave my WS.

It is scary to announce these kinds of big changes to the world. Remember that you have nothing to be ashamed of, and that shame thrives in secrecy. I hope you find some unexpected support from your family.

My reco is to check https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/497843/fear-vs-reality/.

Yes thank you all for your replies. Yes my guilt is leaving him and his family and being judged for the same by extended family.. but yes for my own self I had to get out of the situation. Now I do feel sad and am in grief and fear my future as I had left my job but I am soooo relaxed and relieved. I can't still be out of stress as fear of future never leaves my head n heart.

After having through ll the posts here I know I am not alone and I am right. I haven't entered counselling but have a huge support of my mom, bro and maternal aunts...

I am getting better each day but ofcourse trigger factors do give me the pain, grief and tears... Time will tell...