WB1340 ( member #85086) posted at 10:56 PM on Friday, October 4th, 2024
A spouse's actions, demeanor, attitude, etc may create an unhappy marriage BUT that does not mean he/she caused an affair. Yes, you being a bad spouse may make your spouse more inclined to look elsewhere BUT he/she makes the CHOICE to cheat.
He/she ALWAYS had the option to leave and then start up with someone new.
Any therapist that says or implies that the BS shares the blame for an affair is no therapist.
Early on my wife said "Placing blame doesn't help, we are both at fault." She never made the mistake of saying that again after hearing my response
D-day April 4th 2024. WW was sexting with a married male coworker. Started R a week later, still ongoing...
This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 1:08 AM on Saturday, October 5th, 2024
"After The Affair" by Spring has some nuggets in it, but yes, it unfortunately plays badly into blame shifting. Her other book "How Can I Forgive You" is significantly better but is also a further into reconciliation type of book.
Personally I really like "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. "What makes love last" by Gottman is pretty good, but it is my understanding it discourages digging for details of the sex acts. This wasn't particularly pertinent to my conditions.
Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.
