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Just wondering how many stayed until your kids graduated? I dont care how I have to live after, but I do care about my son. Divorcing would be financial ruin for me. I would not be able to afford a place on my own with my son. We have a nice house in a good area. I just would like to know how many of you are in this situation, and how you have handled it? I have a good job but still couldnt afford even a 1 bedroom apt and my car payment both. He makes just a little bit more then me. But his car is paid off and he would assume the rv payment we have which is about $100 more a month then my car. We owe to much on it so it would not be beneficial to sell it. I have all of our health benefits through my work.

[This message edited by heartbrokeninaz at 4:19 AM, Tuesday, September 24th]

I kind of fall into this camp. Maintaining a stable home for my kids was a big priority. Especially since my WW didn’t seem to care if she blew up everyone’s life. I’ve stayed in the marriage for the kids, but also for myself. I looked at divorce and what that would look like. I didn’t like it. My wife and I are in reconciliation. We have normal arguments and spend time together. I haven't discovered anything new for years, but I still don’t trust her and I’m uncertain I’ll stay once the kids are gone. I like my life now though and it benefits me and the kids to stay. I suspect she’s on the marriage still for many of the same reasons as I am. If I discover new infidelity I’ll file for D and not look back. My personal thought is if you’re happy to stay and you and your spouse aren’t creating a toxic environment for the child, then stay. When and if that changes, leave.

[This message edited by Legatus at 4:25 AM, Tuesday, September 24th]

Legatus yeah same for me. I dont trust him, and pretty sure I never will. We co inhabit when he is here, and not traveling for work. We even have marital relations. But it is not the same, and I suspect it never will be.

Sent you a PM. :)

Unfortunately yes. But it’s mainly selfish on my part. I had to share custody of my first son 50/50 with my first husband after our divorce (he had an exit affair) and I have hated the fact that I missed out on half his life.

This time I got to choose and so far I have chosen to see my son who is only young (to my 2nd husband) daily as it would break my fucking heart to have this happen again. Sometimes I feel trapped but I am working on that. I tell my WH often that if it wasn’t for our son you wouldn’t have even lasted 5 mins before you would have been kicked out.

I don’t really see myself as ‘married’ anymore (see my earlier post today 😂) but more like Legatus has said (and someone else from another post) we are more like good friends raising a child and having sex. We still get on fine and run the house and look after the kids well, so I don’t see the harm (other than sometimes some inner turmoil) with staying. For me at this stage of life, it is the best option.

I often wonder if I’ll make it through to my son being grown and if I do whether I’ll then be bothered in old age with someone who hurt me so bad. Only time will tell

I chose not to stay married at dday2. Even with kids in the picture I still put my needs first. I would not be happy staying married to a lying cheating jerk.

Fortunately we were able to Reconcile. And we are happy.

If we had to do the 50-50 thing it would have been something I would have to accept. Because staying for the kids was never an option after dday2.

This is me. Youngest leaves in a few years and I don’t know what will happen at that time. Like someone else posted, I looked at what my life would be being divorced and I didn’t like that option. My teenage boys would want to live with WH full time because they have the big toys and WH does all the outdoor stuff with them I don’t do. I wouldn’t be able to provide that on my own. My house would also be way smaller and the kids are used to living in a spacious home. So, I stay for them, and hoping that we can be fully reconciled by the time the kids leave. That remains to be seen.

Here's a few things to consider:

-How many more years do you have until your son is an adult? Is that amount of time tolerable to you in your current situation?

-How well do you and your husband get along on a day-to-day basis? If you're civil and work well together as coparents, then perhaps staying for your son could be doable... but if there's a lot of conflict and/or tension in the home, then you might doing him more harm than good by keeping him in a toxic household.

-How would you manage if your husband died or he decided to leave you? If the answer to either of those question is "financial ruin," then you need to put a plan in place now for how you would manage without him. There have been other BSs on SI who stayed for the kids and were completely blindsided when their WS died or decided to run off with an AP. Don't make the mistake of thinking these things can't happen to you.

And lastly, if you're still having "marital relations" but still don't trust him or have doubts about his fidelity, then use condoms and get tested for STDs regularly. This is particularly necessary in your case because your husband travels frequently for work.

I initially stayed for the kids. I know without a doubt had we not had kids on D-Day I would have kicked him to the curb immediately. My fear was my kids coming from a broken family but they were living in one anyway. Things were not amicable with my xWS and we fought for YEARS. I held on like an idiot letting my fear override everything. The M got worse, he had more A's including putting me through a false R, my reactions got worse, my mental health tanked and I finally left for myself and for the kids. I feel awful that my kids experienced that. I hate that my xWS inflicted that hell upon all of us.

I am 100% staying for the kid. WS and I are amicable. He wants to work on R, I don't. I'm biding my time, and given that I've survived the past 4 years, I think I can handle 3 more years (though some days are very hard).

Unlike a lot of you, I don't look at my current situation favorably. Our two-story house is way too much with my disability, WS has terrible spending habits, and I don't care for my in-laws. But that said, splitting custody would be really hard on our kid right now, and her mental health is finally starting to improve after a rough couple of years, so I'm not going to risk it. I'm generally on board with "don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm," but my one exception is for my child. I would take a bullet for her, so I can certainly swallow my misery and do my best to maintain a peaceful, stable home life until she goes to college. Is it the kind of joyous, loving situation we could have had if WS hadn't cheated? No, but splitting up isn't going to create that either.

For a while, I thought maybe R could happen over the next few years, but as time goes on, I have less and less faith. Marital relations are like blue moons. Common interests and hobbies are very few. We are more like housemates (we often sleep in separate rooms because I can't climb the stairs on most nights). A lot of my parents generation are in arranged marriages, so this lifestyle is pretty familiar to me. It's not what I'd hoped for, but I know that people can raise successful kids in this kind of household.

I'm firmly in the "it's ok to stay for the kids as long as the home isn't toxic" camp. Having kids together was the only reason I was willing to attempt R. Without kids, it's healthier to end the relationship.

However, we've come a long, long, loooong way, and I am happy we decided to R. I'm no longer staying for the kids; I'm staying because I want to. But I had a partner who worked very hard to get us to a good place in our M.

To be clear, as long as the M didn't turn totally toxic, I would have done anything to stay with my kids. They are my priority. And keeping their lives as stable as possible, not introducing potentially abusive stepparents or step-siblings, and not having a judge determine how and when I see my children are my duties as a mother. Even if it would have taken a mental toll on me.

[This message edited by Revenger at 7:58 PM, Wednesday, September 25th]

Every one has different experiences. My experience with staying was bad.

I stayed after the first DD. Exwh said it was a one-off a long time ago and denied that it was his fault or responsibility in any way. He Rugswept, Trickle truths and outright lied. Probably told me because someone was gong to tell on him or for some other selfish reason.

I didn’t want to destroy the family or break up the children’s home since exwh came from a multiple divorced cheating supportive family and said how bad it was for him. I bough his story that he would never cheat again. Sadly Exwh didn’t respect me and me staying told him everything he needed to know about what he thought he could get away with. Serial liar and cheater. Caught him cheating again and divorced. I personally lost a lot of good decades to staying. I also lost my self esteem, self confidence and my peace of mind…

I am sorry you are going through what you are going through. Different situations are different and there are plenty of waywards on this board who have done what they needed to do to become safe partners. Exwh just didn’t do the work and was not safe for me.

I didn't stay *for* the kids, but if I didn't have kids, I wouldn't have stayed.

Might be splitting hairs, but it's more about what the payoff of R is.

In the beginning it was a factor. But one of many.

I'm firmly in the "it's ok to stay for the kids as long as the home isn't toxic" camp. Having kids together was the only reason I was willing to attempt R. Without kids, it's healthier to end the relationship.

Agree with this. My primary reason for giving the marriage a chance was for my son. Agree with a lot of what Revenger said actually. Kids are a great reason to at least pause and consider options and potential consequences.

That said, I went through a lot of TT, continued cheating, and pain to get here. I’m at peace with my decision now. However if it happens again, our son won’t be enough to keep me in the marriage.

I have yet to understand why having kids is at the "top" of the list of why people choose to stay in a M and try to make it work. Yet here I am, guilty of this exact thing! Currently, it’s one of my biggest reasons for "staying" and attempting at some sort of life with my WH at the moment. My kids are young (8 & 4) and while I am still considered early days at almost a year from dday, I’m hoping for R and that somewhere in the next few years I will be in a much better place then I am currently (however, I also know that I might not be). I don’t believe I will be able to continue like this though … 14 years until my youngest is 18 is just too long to live like this. I would much rather divide my time and be the absolute best and most happy version by being a part time mom then being a full time miserable mom.

I have stayed 8 years. Our youngest just left for college in August and I am finally meeting with a lawyer next week. I stayed for the kids, I stayed because I wanted to believe WS would change, I stayed because I didn't want to hurt WS, I stayed because I was and am scared of being by myself. But I realized this week, I never truly got over it, I walk on eggshells and am talked down to daily, and the biggest mentally and physically I need to finally put myself first and that means divorce because despite the promises he will never go to therapy because he believes he is in the right. I don't know if that helps. I am also not sure if I regret staying for the kids but I will say my oldest has stated she thinks I should leave and wishes I had years ago. So either way even when you think the kids don't know, it still affects them.

I stayed for the kids. I also stayed because my WH is a great income earner, and when D-Day hit I was working a local part-time job with little income. If I took on a full-time job, I'd be stressed figuring out how to navigate my children's after school schedule with activities and sports, it would have been a logistical nightmare because we didn't have any family in our area for support.

I come from a broken family, the thought of breaking up my family was heart-wrenching.

It's been almost 20 years, the WH and I are amicable, and my adult children are thriving. Not really the marriage I should have, but both of us are OK with it.

I don't regret my decision, but everyone is different.

I did.
I didn't want my MIL to get her claws into my daughter's.
That woman was evil.
She raised three children who had no idea what being a wife or husband meant.
One brother has been married five times, the other married twice, and a daughter that was a cheater.
My daughter's have both grown up to be faithful partners.

Also staying for my children. I wanted to leave but weighed up the cost of leaving on my children and decided to stay. My children were very young on dday the youngest was 6 months so I may have been in shock and still hormonal, sleep deprived not thinking right. We live in a very expensive area, and I am from a different country to my family which I am not allowed to move from with the kids without his permission. So I would have had to move to a much cheaper area, move their schools, and literally know no one again. Things are finally a lot better but like heartbroken wife I have a long time left before they are grown up. Some days I am at peace with this, other days I struggle. I already few so much calmer nearly two years on but I can never see my husband in the same way. He let me down badly when I needed him