SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It is close enough to combine my dday with my anniversary and post an update
Today was our 1st wedding anniversary since Dday which was Oct 6 of 2023, the year that my entire life came tumbling down, the year that I picked up drinking to self soothe and avoid reality.

There are a few things here that I will share to offer some sort of hope whether you are reconciling or not. A few are embarrassing to an extent but we all have demons and we all heal differently so here we go.

My PTSD was so bad, and some days it still is.

I remember when I thought the trees were going to kill me and my H was not allowed to drive me ANYWHERE. My H had an affair that involved the woods and her car.

For the longest time when I was with my H I had to drive , he was not allowed to be behind the wheel, which seemed weird to me because she drove HER car and he rode passenger but as time went on and with a little of IC I realized I was afraid to give him ANY power, I didn't trust him to drive me anywhere and the few times I did let him drive I hyperventilated and he had to switch me seats.
I drove through a wooded area once and I had to turn around because the trees were overwhelming and all I could see was my H making love to her against every tree I passed, I shared this with him and for weeks on end I wouldn't leave my house in fear of the mental images of them together.

To this day my H can NOT be in the backseat or strap our baby in the third row of our SUV , I have to be the one to do it, the idea of him being in the back of the car brings mental images of them having sex in the back of her car.
I wish I could say this has changed but it hasn't.

I drank so much the first year I would go through a bottle of tequila once every three days , I would sob in the tub until my H brought me the bottle that made me feel ok enough to get out of the tub and face reality. He would cry because he wouldn't know what else to do, I would go buy it myself the days he didn't want to get it for me.

I remember going to get a tattoo with my best friend and she failed to tell me the tattoo place was in the same town that he had his A in and I cried when I walked in the door after going down a one way street the wrong way, i didn't know exactly what woods they had sex in so every single tree was a threat and i couldn't think straight.

I couldn't shower without spiraling for 3 hours after, I don't know what it was but showering did something to me and I would have panic attacks, maybe it was being vulnerable? Maybe it was that I felt unpretty naked? Maybe I was relaxed and I then realized I couldn't because I wasn't truly safe.

I still avoid the street that he took her to a trashy hotel on in my hometown, I still will NOT eat at the restaurant they would eat at, I will NOT go to the town she lives in, and I avoid anyone that has her name, I can't help but hate them immediately no matter how nice they are.

So many things have changed for me, I am forever changed, and I will never be the carefree person I was before, I will never believe in true love, or soul mates or think that vows really matter, unfortunately I have experienced too much hurt and pain to see those things as "real" again.

With that being said, a year later the trees are no longer a threat, I am starting to enjoy nature again and my H is allowed to drive my car and I ride passenger again quite a lot. It took me almost a year to be ok with him having control, I have cut back drinking, but I am nowhere sober, I drink most days at least once a day, but I refuse to buy liquor anymore. I am tired or hurting myself, I am tired of not caring about my health, and I am tired of the weight gain. I have had a few days this past week with no alcohol , so I think I am on my way?

I know my kids deserve better and our special needs daughter will need us forever, I have to find the strength to be better.

I now am ok with showering
I used to only do it once a week and I am back to my normal schedule, but it took a long time and baby steps to get there, thank God for dry shampoo and working from home.

Today was our anniversary, I asked my H to plan the day for us and he did, he took me to my fav restaurant and we met up with friends for some indoor golf and I had so much fun. We talked about the A in lenghth several times bc I Couldn't avoid it, it ruined what the day was supposed to truly mean so of course I thought about it. He hung his head and he told me all of his regrets, all the things he has missed out over the years and he poured his heart out to me when I was upset.
As embarrassing as it was for him he told me how low he was, how much he didn't respect himself, and unfortunately how little he cared for his kids and I. It hurt, God does it hurt but each step helps us heal.

I am thankful for today, I am thankful he took it so seriously, I am thankful I have done enough healing I don't fear trees anymore

NOTHING I mean NOTHING about this past year has been fun or easy but as I look back I see that I was drowning in so much water , although I am still not above water I am swimming, we are swimming together and fighting the tides and helping each other hold our heads above water. I can imagine I won't be on shore for a long time but I am fighting like hell, I have to say that him healing has helped me heal , his humility, his Ic he has done, his spiritual journey has helped me heal. I would like to think I have done SOME of my own healing although it has been way slower than his, I am swimming, I am finding my own hobbies, my own interests and following my heart the best I can for myself and for my kids. I hope at the end of this both roads we are on lead to each other.

here is to one year post Dday.

Good to hear of your progress...

As someone that needlessly carried PTSD – knowing that I had it – for over 15 years before getting professional help that enabled me to let it go in less than three months I want to make the following suggestions:

Read up on and eventually consult a professional to help with the PTSD.
Like I said: I carried it for over 15 years, fully aware of it. It took a psychologist all og 2 sessions to make me realize that although 3-5 events I experienced as a cop left me some issues, the impact of infidelity was the Big Elephant in my mind. It then took maybe 3-4 sessions to teach me how to cope with them.

Stop drinking...
Not necessarily forever... But try to commit to a 30 day sobriety period.
If a bottle of tequila lasted 3 days that does indicate you might not be an alcoholic per se. If you can commit to sobriety for 30 days and stick to it then that would support that you are more dealing with a drinking problem rather than alcoholism.
Evaluate when and why you have your daily drink. Replace what you are seeking with something healthier. Like... if it’s a drink to wind down after the day – take a walk or hit the gym. Or do yoga or meditation. Just remove the alcohol.
I would suggest you go to AA, get a sponsor and do the 12-step process. You could even find a non-alcoholic group doing the 12-step process. Although adapted for alcoholics, that program is more about self-healing than sobriety.

Thank you Bigger. It’s all in the works.
Thankfully I don’t drink during the day and have no desire to drink until the evening and my H is home. Guess it’s my way of numbing the pain a bit but it has gotten a lot better and I am getting back into counseling in the next month or so and I am trying to focus on more healthy outlets.

The PTSD is serious stuff and I don’t intend to take that lightly

This site is all about shared experiences...
I post a lot about addiction but have never battled with it myself. I do however have more experience than I care for with addiction in close family and friends.
What I can share from personal experience is this: A few decades ago as a young man I went through a period where I drank excessively. Not stupor-level or all day level. But... I would go out with the boys after Wednesday training session for a couple of beers, again on Thursday, then Friday evenings it’s out to the bars and clubs, a few beers over the Saturday game on TV followed by a night out... Sometimes a few beers over the Sunday game.
One day I realized how hard I was working at maintaining work and hobbies along with the drinking... I started wondering if I had some issue.
What I decided was to commit to sobriety for 30 days. I reckoned that if I could do that then I probably wasn’t an alcoholic (I have since realized that this isn’t necessarily true, but a good indicator). Those 30 days turned into seven months...
I drink moderately. More so during my fishing-trips or vacations or whatever, but never excessively and there are weeks and even months that go by with no alcohol. Not due to a fear of addiction, but more due to my desire to lose weight and keep my metabolism active (some theories indicate alcohol slows down your metabolism). I have no issues with offering guests wine or being around drinkers, but either decide to have a few or totally abstain – again due to metabolism rather than concerns about addiction.

I encourage you to consider this. If you and your husband need a few to calm your nerves, then look for more constructive ways to do that. Like maybe you both take a 3 mile stroll every evening together.

Groot ❤️ our timelines are similar and I've followed your journey as I've been on mine. I love this update, I'm so happy for your progress and the steps you are taking to heal yourself. It's a process as we all know. Thanks for sharing.

Okay, this is kind of weird so bear with me. lol I just rewatched the Lord of the Rings trilogy and after reading your post, I'm picturing Treebeard picking up the AP and tossing her out of the forest. She's not welcome there! The ents don't want her!

You might consider asking your doc about anxiety meds instead of medicating your feelings with alcohol.

I think you're doing great.

OMG YES!!!

I love LOTR , it is one of my favorite movies ,that def made my day, the images are great!

Thank you for that!

I am weary of medications, I have considered it but I do know that it has gotten better over time and not worse so I am hoping with more time and counseling I can avoid medication. If needed I def will look into it.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 7:11 PM, Monday, September 23rd]

Groot,
The irony that trees were your nemesis and you are Groot….clever that you chose that moniker.

PLEASE get good trauma-informed IC. Infidelity damages our body- read the book "The Body Keeps Score".
Add alcohol and overeating… and we compound the damage. I am speaking from experience— and now I am paying the price.

Like you, I used alcohol to take the edge off. When I realized how much I was using it as a crutch (that recycle bin doesn’t lie), I did basically what Bigger is suggesting. It helped, and I really drink A LOT less now. I am now getting the overeating under control. But all that fight-or-flight trauma has been hard on your body. I kept thinking I will deal with that next month, or in 6 months, or next year. I put it off too long. I wish I had paid more attention sooner.

My IC has been helpful - it took a few to find the right one, but when you find right one, it’s so helpful.

Focus on taking care of you. Start today! You deserve it!

And hug a tree. :-)

Is it bad that I'm picturing Treebeard swinging AP around by her hair and launching her into oblivion?

Honestly, I'm leery of meds, too. I get it.

Hi Groot, I want to wish you the best and commend the others that have offered you advice. I can relate to Biggers advice the most.

PTSD is nothing to mess with. It must be treated with help from professionals, in cases like ours professionals with infidelity/betrayal trauma experience. It is essential for your healing. Everyone experiences traumas, some from childhood on up through becoming and adult. Not everyone experiences PTSD. My understanding is the trauma becomes PTSD if the physiological affects continue beyond six months of the original trauma. Trauma being where one has lost control, choice, context and or connection. Infidelity trauma though not considered the same as that of a returning combat vet, or first responders or rape victims. The damage is the same and treatment is the same. This only gets worse with previous or subsequent traumas, rug sweeping and doing nothing. It will come back worse the more time that passes.

I can really relate to Bigger in more ways than one, (Bigger if you are following I'd like to message you sometime)

I have been working with a trauma specialist for 2 years now. It has help immensely. With her Ive identified traumas from my childhood through retirement. Childhood nothing earth shattering but some betrayals in my teens. The first big one I was 19 entering the workforce and had two parallel careers started. As a first responder I had a couple of serious incidents one where a toddler died, the scenario of putting his charred body in bag haunted me every night for months. This only to be followed by a few motor vehicle accidents that were equally horrific through out the year. I still see those images periodically 3 decades later.

I married 3 years later and within 18 months my wife confessed to me she cheated with her boss. I was devastated. I was sick, didn't sleep for months. She remained working with him and their group continued to socialize and go to concerts once or twice overnight out of town. Each time was another trauma. We rugswept the incident and once our first two kids were born, (yes they are mine) she left employment to focus on family. My anxiety dropped off immensely, though throughout that time I had lost Control,Choice,Context and Connection. Full blown PTSD. The infidelity was worse trauma than any of the first responder stuff.

Fast forward to 2 years ago, my wife and daughter sat me down to tell me our son in law was cheating on my daughter, not once but learned from freinds of another AP with irrefutable evidence. I was overwhelmed. In the moment I held it together. I feared my wife shared our situation with here. I must note neither of us told anyone from 30 years ago. All the anxiety and unnamed emotions from back when, I was sick again, not sleeping all the horrible things we go through as betrayed spouses.

This time I said Im not doing this alone, I found help and boy it was good that I did. I cant tell you how much better I felt. This shit will kill you. Get help and the tools to help you deal with all the anxiety, depression, fear and whatever else. Its not worth trying to tough it out.

I urge you to seek out help.

BOAZ367

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I agree ptsd is nothing to mess with and I have a therapist who specializes in trauma I stopped her a few months ago due to finances. I am not done and will start that up again. We hit on emdr and it def helped. We have M counseling once every few months , he has his Ic and I have my my IC. Unfortunately with four kids in todays economy it’s hard financially