SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Last time was in 2018 and now just caught her again. This time trying to push for an open marriage and pleading with me to let her keep her bf and have an open marriage and said she wanted us both. Dunno I'm most and blind sided bybthe begging and the pleading. I keep telling her no absolutely no bit she keeps begging me to let her have her cake and eat it aswell. Saying she won't delete him but won't let me leave the marriage. I'm at my witts end woth this. And I know what the answer probably is. Dunno I just needed to vent to someone no.else to talk to about this 😪 😔

She’s a serial cheater. She has no remorse and is only concerned for what she might lose. It’s time to make her AP’s problem. You don’t need her permission to divorce.

Hi there, Sweetguy.

I am so sorry to hear your story. It sounds like you value monogamy and fidelity and your WW simply does not. She doesn't seem to respect you and she has some serious character issues. Can you help me understand why you accept such open and blatant disrespect? Why don't you think you deserve basic decency?

I think maybe you don't respect you either and that is such a shame. Can you share more about your story and how you got here? What I am going to say next sounds trite, but please understand that it is not. You need to start therapy ASAP. You need to find out why you accept mistreatment and how to place boundaries in your life, not just for your wayward wife, but other people around you. If you have insurance, you may be surprised to know that many cover mental health/therapy.

I also think you need time to process this information without her whispering her manipulation in your ear. Ask her to leave the house so that you can decide how you would like to move forward.

This is not okay and you don't deserve it, but unfortunately unless you take some action, you are going to remain in this terrible situation. I know these steps are scary, that is why I recommend starting therapy because that support is key as you navigate your way out of this situation. Keep posting here and please do not share this site with your wayward wife, as she can use the information and advice we give you to manipulate you.

Welcome.

Very sorry you have reason to return. I see from your past posts that your WW cheated with someone from Facebook in years prior to 2018 and you moved, and then again she cheated in 2018. You describe your WW with anxiety and depression issues, but that is no excuse for cheating. You and your children have been through enough. It sounds like she needs therapy with crying and begging to cheat on you. Always value yourself. At this time she is not a trustworthy partner. Be there for your children. Take care of your health. See an attorney to learn your rights. And implement a hard 180 to give yourself some mental space to figure out your next move. Good luck.

Last time I wanted it to work for our family I wanted to fix the busses. I grew up in a broken home was determined not to let that happen for our children. But at first she left filed for devorce for the other guy and then it came crashing down o her after 2 months when he never helped her. As she was a home wife. She relied on me to pay for bills. After we lost house and car. We slowly got bacl together of the next few months open phones and passwords for next few years led mybguard down I guess until recently when she started talking to some.she met. Someone who gave her time and attention and tells me it's the issue and it Is my fault probably because I work 60 to 80 hours a week and do come home tired and don't wanna do things unless.its my day off. Do I need to give her more time yes. But I would also like for her to plan our time together on my day off. I don't know if I am wrong in that I probably am. But this time as far as walking away how do I walk away from 20 years so easily. And she will never get an yes from.me. on her other person she tells me she not deciding but i told.her by not choosing our marriage and us she already choosing

Saying she won't delete him but won't let me leave the marriage.

She doesn't get to choose if you leave the marriage or not.

Totally unrepentant cheater, so you gotta let her go.

Last time I wanted it to work for our family I wanted to fix the busses. I grew up in a broken home was determined not to let that happen for our children.

I hear you, that is noble. You are willing to eat a shit sandwich so that your kids won't grow up in a broken home. I totally understand that sentiment. In fact, that was one of my reasons too. Anyone with kids will tell you that they listen to nothing you say but watch EVERYTHING you do. I have always tried to model decision-making, conflict resolution, kindness, etc for my children. At some point it clicked and I realized I was modeling dysfunction. My XWH was modeling alcoholism and lying. The home was already broken and it was getting more and more broken as we continued to limp along in our shitty excuse of a marriage. I started therapy and I found the strength and modeled how to overcome adversity to my children. I am really proud of that.

I think you have been taking care of her so long, its like part of your dna and you are having a hard time separating yourself from that. I think she knows that and is using it against you.

But at first she left filed for devorce for the other guy and then it came crashing down o her after 2 months when he never helped her. As she was a home wife. She relied on me to pay for bills. After we lost house and car. We slowly got bacl together of the next few months open phones and passwords for next few years led mybguard down

After the first betrayal, she faced no real consequences. Sure you had her password, but that didn't stop her from doing it again. In fact, what she learned from that situation is that she can betray, disrespect and violate you and you will just take it. The reconciliation process involves radical changes to the wayward and most waywards aren't up to it. Homegirl needs to get a job and you need to start thinking about your life without her.

You don't deserve this. Life is too fucking short to endure this level of disrespect long-term.

And she will never get an yes from.me.

She clearly doesn’t need you to agree to anything. She’s just going to continue to cheat. This guy, the next guy, whoever gives her a little validation.

She’s blaming you for breaking the vows she made. Think about that. If you were actually able to control her behavior wouldn’t you make her be faithful?

Visit the healing library here and check out the simplified 180. You need to get some emotional distance from her crazy so you can make rational decisions to get yourself out of infidelity.

Just imagine the horror of sitting at home with the kids knowing she is with OM

How’s it going Kap?

Saying she won't delete him but won't let me leave the marriage.

She can't stop you. And you are under no obligation to be the "other man" in your own marriage.

Lawyer up.

You don't need her permission to divorce her.

She doesn't love you. Infidelity is a form of abuse. She's using you because she doesn't want to have to get a job.

File. Go for full custody. A serial cheating mom doesn't give a shit about her kids.

"I'm at my witts end woth this. And I know what the answer probably is"

The only thing you have to deal with is an attorney. Disengage, quit having any discussion. Get your paperwork together and your ducks in a row. File and have her served. Let her talk to the walls. If you try to understand the crazy, you'll just get beat down by the crazy, dumb stick.

Gosh I'm so sorry you are here. From my experience (personally and on here), the only time that reconciling with someone works is when they are committed to doing the work to figure out why they feel like they need to do what they are doing - why they want to - and how they got there. Your WS isn't in that space at all. It sounds like instead she is telling you what she wants and who she is. In a way, this is a gift. Why? Because you don't have to try to weed through all of the lies and nonsense anymore - you know. She wants you at home and someone else on the side. And you don't. Sure, you can wonder about the following: Is this really what she wants? Are you her "meal ticket" and she just won't tell you? But why bother, when you know the answer to these key questions already:

You know you have no interest in being a part of an open marriage.
You don't want your kids being a part of it either.
You know she has already harmed you and your family both emotionally and financially AND that she has no intention of stopping.

The reality is, what else do you need to know? Maybe this: You can't change someone who does not want to change. In fact, you can't change someone anyway. They have to want to. And, they have to be invested in changes that work with what the betrayed partner wants too. Reconciliation requires the patience and willingness to put up with a lot of misery/emotional trauma for the betrayed in the best of situations. You have none of that. Instead you have someone who has told you what they want and on some level they think you are lucky in that they want to give part of themselves to you. Yippee.

One of the things my WH said to me back in the day after the A had actually ended was something like: "You won. I don't know why you are so unhappy." This is sort of what your WS is saying to you now - your WS views herself as "the prize" and you as the lucky recipient of the part of her she wants to share. That mindset is just....insane. The prize here is YOU. The loyal and caring partner. The one who is "making it all work." My WH tried to justify his A because it was fun, they laughed, and things were so carefree for them. It was like he wholly failed to realize his A was carefree because there was no responsibilities attached to it - no real ones. There were no dirty dishes, no financial issues, no cleaning up after the dog, and no free time between them that wasn't spent on THEM. An A is often like a vacation relationship - if you can't find someone amazingly attractive and fun when you're on a vacation, you're likely never going to. What your WS is telling you is that she wants a part time vacation - but that vacation isn't with you. You get to deal with reality while she wants to go off half the time and have a little party while you stay at home and do all those boring real things. Do not be fooled into blaming yourself for not "being there" enough because you are working to support the family...and it's okay to get a little angry at yourself for giving her and all-expense paid vacation to run off with some other guy whenever she feels like it (I found holding myself accountable was all part of assessing and putting my own boundaries in place in the long term) - What do you want for you?

I am not joking, no matter how hard it is, getting away from that will make you feel better. Your WS is not giving you anything to work with but the truth - the truth is that she wants things you don't. So the only decision for you to make now is whether you are willing to make that concession and stick around KNOWING what you know. Unfortunately you have nothing much else to work with as far as she goes.

As an aside....

I am a child of a marriage that was in part demolished by an affair. The BEST thing my parents did for me (and my sibling) was to divorce. The BEST. Living in that charged atmosphere was horrible for us kids (especially me as I was older - around 8-10 when it really all blew up whereas my sister was young enough by the time they separated she has no memory of them ever being together). While no one wants to have a broken family, I think if you asked most people if they thought it was better for their kids to stay with someone who is actively cheating on them versus separating they would choose separating without much hesitation. I know I would.