SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi.

I need your input.

My son has a parole hearing on September 26. He has asked me and whoever else I think would be helpful to write a letter to the parole board. I wrote one and read it to him the other day on the phone. He thanked me graciously, but told me that he thought it was too long. And then he didn’t think that they would want to know everything about his childhood, about being born addicted to crack cocaine, about a concussion at a very early age, etc.

So I am a little bit at a loss.

First of all, I disagree with him. In my head, a parole board should know that he was born addicted to cocaine, and all the hardships that he had growing up. So that they wouldn’t think that he had no circumstances that contributed to his poor choices.

Also, I really don’t know what is left to say to them other than I want my son to come home.

Can you help me with this?

First of all, would the parole board want to know of his difficulties that might’ve contributed to his choices that wound him up in jail? Or would they consider those as excuses?

And, if not, what exactly kind of letter would it be beneficial to my son to write to the parole board?

Thanks so much for whatever suggestions you can give.

First off, I don't know ... That said, would a parent's letter really be helpful at all? Most parents are going to say their kid deserves all of the chances in the world, and I imagine that the board has seen every version of that letter, and probably with all of the excuses that go along with it, as you suspect yourself.

The thing is that that tons of kids are born with disadvantages. Like your sons. Many worse than that. And they don't all make crappy life choices that land them in prison. Perhaps your son has a sense of that, hence his thinking the letter is too long and too detailed. It sounds like maybe he is mature enough now to stop with the excuses?

I think any letters that are going to make a difference are going to list any better choices he has made while in prison (job training, courses taken, counselling, etc), and then talk of the support he has once out, where he is going to live, concrete plans for continued training, counselling, job plans, plans to help him stay straight/sober, etc. I would concentrate much more on the future and what he is doing currently to be better in the future than on a lousy past. JMO, and I hope it's taken kindly like I mean it.

I don't know either but I agree with SacOfSorry.

I would focus on what changes he has made since going to jail and what kind of support he will have when they do let him out.

I would steer clear of making any excuses or explanations for his behavior. I would think they would want to see that he has taken responsibility for the choices he made and has taken steps to improve himself such as job training, anger management, counseling and having showing good behavior while he was in jail.

I hope things work out for you both.

I agree with the above posters.

I want my son to come home.

WHY do you want your son to come home? How will you support him to make better choices? Expand on this in your letter.

What positive changes have YOU seen/heard in him since he's been in prison? How will these changes help him in life outside of prison?

Focus on the future. Focus on the positives.

Just my thoughts. I have no experience with this.

I think his head injury snd other issues (maybe undiagnosed) lead to his making questionable choices.

I think you want to show the parole board that he is coming home to an environment that will address these issues and help him be able to make better less impulsive decisions.

I hope this helps you.

I read an article recently in People magazine that you may find interesting. I don't think we're supposed to post links so google people magazine concussions prison. That brought it right up for me. It's about a fellow that was in prison who had suffered a concussion, and now runs an organization to help such people resulting from a study that shows that ~ 50% of people in prison suffered from traumatic brain injuries. I was just thinking that looking into that organization might offer some tips for re-training the brain, and they say they can help to locate help within the community for people.

I can’t thank you enough for your responses.

I definitely agree that many people have things happen in their life that put them at a disadvantage and that not all of them end up making bad life choices that put them in jail. I totally get that.

I also agree that the majority of what they are wanting to hear is about any differences we have seen in our loved one since being incarcerated, and what kind of support system they will have upon their release.

That is totally what I focused on. I did mention his birth situation, his early concussion, he’s adoption, and the fact that he is the only person of color in our entire family. One sentence. After I listed those realities, I reiterated that I was in no way making excuses for his choices, but rather explaining circumstances that happened in his life as points of reference.

I did find out at the last minute that we were not allowed to bring letters to the parole hearing, but that they had to be received via email at the department of corrections eight days before his hearing.

So I had to quickly send text to family, friends, former coaches, teachers, etc., and hope that a good number of them were able to get a letter in on time

I guess we will see next Thursday. I have been told that I will be able to touch him and hug him, but I’m trying not to rely heavily on that in case it is not true.

I also believe that we will not know for a week or two what the decision is. So if you all could be thinking of us next week, that would surely be appreciated.

Prayers to you and your family that your son can receive a positive outcome.

Maybe too late to the party...

I think that it’s true the parole board have heard all the excuses from parents...
Maybe offer a path to redemption...

Explain why his difficult youth might explain why he’s in prison, but also outline how you and his dad can offer some plan going forward that can hold him accountable for his actions while earning a living and learning to be a responsible individual while free. How keeping him a burden on the State and tax-payers might not be a better plan than freedom from prison, while maybe still being held back by social responsibilities.

If you could state that he has a home to come back to where you can demand sobriety (and follow it up!) that his parole officed could confirm with weekly drug-tests, that your church has offered support, that Mr McGee at the Tires-R-Us is willing to give him a job conditional to him showing up and being sober, that once he has done 3 months of this he might find his own apartment or half-way house or whatever, that the local AA group has nominated an experienced sponsor and that son would have to commit to a minimum of 5 meeting per week (Friday, Saturday and Sunday plus 2 other nights)... Basically offer a plan where the onus of remaining clean and sober and productive is placed in his hands, along with whatever therapy or help the State can offer, while being maintained by an outdoor-warden (parole officed).
It's not "freedom" as we know it – but it’s a lot more constructive than sitting in a cell. And cheaper for the taxpayers – a favorite of the parole board.