SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

WTR,

The fact the you are here and asking this question of us and yourself, is encouraging. It shows that you see the problem, you recognize it as a problem, and are not afraid to face it.

Fear of facing your flaws, mistakes and weaknesses, I believe leads to defensiveness.

My ExWW’s defensiveness killed our reconciliation-outright. I would attribute her defensiveness, and the root causes of her defensiveness, as THE lead factor, that not only killed our reconciliation, but also predisposed her to cheating in the first place.

Humility is such a strength. Have you ever noticed how we all gravitate towards those who are humble, and the endearing quality of self deprecating humor. We all prefer listeners over talkers. Humility leads to: personal growth, stronger teamwork, better problem solving, empathy, stronger relationships, etc.

Humility allows you to boldly and honestly look at your silly ass self, without contempt, judgment or fear. It allows you, and others, to be human. It allows you to own your mistakes and objectively correct or adapt to your flaws.

This is just a theory of mine, but it seems many of the contributing factors of defensiveness, or symptoms of defensiveness, are also contributing factors to infidelity: low self esteem, insecurity, childhood trauma, fear of rejection, learned behaviors, inability to honestly introspect, obstacle to emotional intimacy, obstacle to accountability and the control of manipulative behaviors.

If you don’t get a handle on your defensiveness and what causes you to be defensive, your R will greatly suffer.

As I said, the fact that you’re here, see this, recognize it as a problem is very encouraging. My ExWW didn’t make it that far. She just couldn’t wrap her mind around the concept for whatever reasons. This sucks for her because humility also leads to self forgiveness.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:39 PM, Saturday, September 21st]

I am also not religious and have been trying to separate my worth from particular outcomes. Not because I don't want them or because they aren't important, but because, like people have said, that thinking puts me in a fear response and does not help me be kind or helpful and ultimately takes me further from those outcomes. It is an illusion of control that makes us try to control things in destructive ways.

Steps two and three in a twelve step program (SLAA), the Radical Acceptance DBT skill, and the book Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach, have helped with seeing this from a more secular perspective, but it is something I have to try to come back to several times every day. I've written a version of the third step prayer that works with my belief system and I've been trying to think it to myself each morning.

I have only looked at it a little, but maybe also try looking at the concept of acting "as if" regarding a higher power.

Pleasebeflexable, thank you and that makes sense and is very helpful. And thank you RealityBlows, I struggle greatly with humility and entitlement, and is a major weakness of mine and contributing factor to my terrible actions, and certainly to my defensiveness.

Your defensiveness is a wall your betrayed spouse does not have the energy to climb. All she/he wants to do is climb back to you. Do not make the climb impossible because of your ego.