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Obviously any wayward activity is showing a huge amount of disrespect to BS. I'm not questioning that, however, I've been reflecting on the post d-day lack of respect.

In the case of my emotional affair d-day 2017. BS asked me to go NC. I pretended I had done this, but stopping text messages, phone calls and most e-mails. However, the affair was still ongoing as we worked together and NC broken by conversations in the office. I even gave AP a heads up that BS has asked for NC, so could she please not phone or text me! In addition to this I also gave her a heads up when it came to the end of the affair phone call. I made this call in front of BS, but had told AP that it was going to happen. Showing both huge disrespect to BS and our false R but also still showing AP more respect that she deserved.

I did this in a physical affair too. I told BS that I would spend a couple of days on my own, thinking about what I had done and ultimately what I wanted to do. I said I would stay one my own and make no contact with AP. I did not do this, before heading out I passed by the office when AP worked and told her what was going on. Giving her more respect than I was to my BS.

Is this something that you WS's or you found out as a BS your WS did? It took me too long to get my head out of my ass (or fog?) to see this. I'm curious to find out why other WSs felt the need to protect AP or not to upset them?

I certainly feel there was self protection going on. I had not been honest with BS over the affair and the breach of NC. I did not want AP to drop me in it, however I was still in the affair too, so I was protecting AP, not wanting to upset her with an "out of the blue" conversation. I'm trying to dig further into this as I have until now not dug deep enough into my WTF was I thinking. So there is more to it than I have considered until now.

EVERY aspect of my infidelity is/was disrespectful. During the affairs and after. In everything I've done, I have protected them over BS. Keeping secrets and delaying coming clean. Not throwing them under the bus. All choices I made after a number of d-days, times when focus should have been on BS and our relationship. Times I should have been trying to build a connection with BS and end the affairs, I was still focussed on APs.

Edited to add some clarity. My point on respecting and protecting APs is not limited to only the emotional affair of 2017. EVERY aspect of infidelity I've shown a lack of compassion and a lack of respect to my BS. To add insult to injury, I was showing my APs respect they did not deserve. I'm trying to work out why I chose to do this, rather than the decent thing.

[This message edited by Bulcy at 9:01 PM, Tuesday, February 27th]

I had convinced myself the ap was the only person who really saw me. So I protected that image for myself for a period of time so I could continue to believe the lies about me that he seemed to. My husband was the person who really knew me and I was convinced that person he knew was garbage. I projected how I felt about myself must be the way he saw me.

Later, when I peeled back the layers of the onion I could clearly see we were both bad actors and most of what I showed him was just to impress someone rather than it being the true essence of who I really am.

So I tend to believe for you, you didn’t want to let go of your good guy image thing to the AP. Completely ego based. I also think to a certain degree, it could be a little fear of what happens in the workplace moving forward.

I know the Ap in my situation was a little concerned that I might blow up his career. I was naive to not believe that he could do the same to me. So I think he was handling me in much the same way so that I would not whistle blow, which I would not have done anyway. I knew I was as complicit as he was.

The person who really knew me was my husband. I thought over the weekend how probably no one will ever know me like my husband does. The history of our memories together will die with one of us. I have been with that man half my life, and he is the only one who will know our children like I do. How foolish to hold anyone else above him, and looking back these sorts of questions fill me with regret of being so blind to it for so long.

I am hikingout, and I am a fellow idiot. It’s been six years since I got my head out of my ass…

So I tend to believe for you, you didn’t want to let go of your good guy image thing to the AP. Completely ego based. I also think to a certain degree, it could be a little fear of what happens in the workplace moving forward.

I agree.

My H had been so invested in being the good guy in everyone's eyes and, of course, that persona had been blown up at home and with everyone who knew him personally.

He was often concerned about "being mean" to the AP by abruptly abandoning his friendship with her or by not being able to return to a normal "cordial coworker" relationship. He wanted to be able to wish her a happy birthday or not have to awkwardly leave a group of people chatting if she approached. I guess he was trying to protect his image with her, with his coworkers, his bosses, all of them. I also think he didn't want to seem like the henpecked bad guy kowtowing to his scorned wife.

Does that resonate at all?

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 2:52 PM, Wednesday, February 28th]

From what I know of my WS's affair, he was playing a role most of the time. One that is actually part of his personality but blown up, exaggerated and of course, hiding all of the other parts of him.

The AP was his adoring fan. He loved that. He needed that. I don't think he convinced himself she knew the "real" him. Based on what he's said, he knew she didn't know the whole, real him. He protected that cultivated image and her worship of it above all else.

I doubt he cared about her feelings or comfort very much, if at all. But he was very invested in protecting how she saw him. Caving to a demanding wife would have shattered the image he wanted her to see. Placating me in anyway would have made him feel weak and embarrassed.

As usual, it was all about the wayward, all of the time.

I think my WH likely felt much as TheEnd had described with one caveat - my WH wanted to be in control not only of me but of the AP too. The AP wanted more info about me, what I was doing, how he felt about me, and he largely brushed those questions off. While he absolutely did not want to be seen by the AP as "caving to a demanding wife" he also wanted it to be clear that he was not going to cave to a demanding AP either. The boss in this whole deal was clearly WH and in hindsight his moods also required that he lead our relationship. Needless to say that's not the way it is now, but during the A it most certainly was.

I never thought I gave the AP any respect after D-day
He was a co-worker and when my husband found out, I resigned with immediate effect and never saw the AP again.
now 13 plus years later, my husband still thinks I give the AP respect. Because in his mind there were never any consequences for the AP, as my husband calls it " he rode away like prince charming on a white horse"
When we fight (myself and my BH) and I raise my voice, he will tell me that I must go and speak to that POS like that and not him.

I do not think we intentionally want to cover/respect the AP, in my case is that I am just sick and tired. That it is over and in the past, and the sad reality is that it is and never will be over.

Good luck and try to be strong to face your demons.